The Dying Ember of December

---

December. What a strange month. Where I come from, it is blistering hot and suffocatingly humid in December. If you don't slip on a shirt, slop on some SPF30+ sunscreen, slap on a hat, seek some shade, and slide on some sunnies (sunglasses), then you can pretty much say hello to skin cancer. Australia will do that to you. The sun is just one of a thousand things out to kill you Down Under. With that said, there is probably nothing I love more! The heat and the palm trees - they will forever have my heart. Here in the South of the States, December is much colder, but of course in both Australia and America, people go bananas for Christmas the moment the calendar flips over to December. Some things never change.

I found myself in a similar mindset - rushing through the first two weeks of the month just so I could reach the winter holidays sooner. Down with the assignments and goodbye to quality work, because speed was my best friend as I sought out the most efficient way to arrive at the first day of break. Nothing else seems to matter in December, nothing except for Christmas. And then that lazy week between the birth of Christ and the New Year. I felt like if I just sped through the first two weeks, I could relax and let my brain rest. I would no longer have to reason, judge, or think. I would no longer need to use my head at all. 

Alas, how wrong I was. We hard for 11 months of the year, and somehow productivity becomes the enemy in that last, twelfth month. Don't be mistaken, I am not proclaiming that we work every single day of December. I am simply regretting my tendency to completely shut down all intelligent functions when I arrive at that long-awaited winter break. Who says that I need to mindlessly watch TV and fill my head with junk when I can sit by the fire and read a book? Who says that I need to point my head down and immerse myself in a smartphone screen when I can look up and the person in front of me and engage in a simple conversation? I can ask this question many times. The devil delights in my inattentiveness, he loves my passivity. I sit here tonight writing this, because I want to encourage whoever is reading to abandon that urge to drop everything important and become nothing but an eating and sleeping robot. I know all too well the dangers of putting my mind to sleep and acting on nothing but impulse and desire.

Perhaps this wouldn't be such a problem if all we desired was the Lord. 

---

mattyC

2016 in review

In light of the baffling pessimism of recent media, public complaints that 2016 was the worst year to date and also considering my own attitude of unrest, I decided to think and write about personal high points of 2016. I’m usually not one for gimmicky writing that touts my accomplishments of the past year, but maybe with some humility and thankfulness, I can do this without sounding too vain. We fellows haven’t yet embarked on our mid-year vocational retreat, but after reading the results of my assessment (and knowing myself to be this way for a few years now), I know I must force myself to reflect on the little (and big) wins in my life. Without doing so, what should be thanksgiving is replaced with silence, or worse, complaint. Life isn’t quite right; I haven’t yet made it, but when I do, then I can celebrate. Then I can thank the Lord for his amazing work. Unfortunately, this logic destroys my faith in the goodness of God.

When I look back over the past year and appreciate where the Lord has been overwhelmingly present, I can’t help but be thankful and joyful. After my year in Spain, a friend asked if I was the same person I’d been a year before. A wonderfully thoughtful question, one I wish I asked myself more often. The answer is undeniably no. And that “no” is attributable to the explicit and implicit work of Christ in my life. Below is a list of some of the joys and lessons of 2016.

In 2016, I

1.  became a (decent) Spanish speaker. I returned to Spain in January 2016 determined to increase my speaking proficiency exponentially, and I did. Though a subjective term, I’d say fluency still eludes me, but I’m proud of my improvement and eager to progress further.

2.  learned something of joy. Vividly I recall laughter in Spain. My own, that of my friends, and most notably, the laughter of my students. I have to think theirs is the laughter of heaven, of euphoric joy, and they share that joy willingly, unknowingly even. Jesus was on to something when he said we should become like children. I yearn for the joy elicited by a simple game of Escondite Inglés on the playground, something I got to experience with Irene, Alejandra, Sara, Angie, and countless others.

3.  became more self aware. In a fairly safe environment, I learned I was capable of far more than I thought I was. At some point in my life, I’d decided I was incapable of certain sin; but in a rude awakening and through many tearful prayers, the Lord comforted me through this significant lesson.

4.  traveled the world. I visited multiple cities in Spain and went to England and Ireland over spring break. Then after my 9 months in Spain, I adventured for two weeks by myself and four more with friends and family. In all, I planned almost two month’s worth of traveling and visited 10 countries and many more cities. It was only the beginning of what I hope will be a life of learning cultures, people and languages.

5.  walked taller, with a confidence I’d never had before. S/O to all those who encouraged in this and also to those who battered me into it. Even the painful shoves are positive memories as they forced me to grow.

6.  became a runner. 2015 began my forays into running, but I really think it was 2016 that I earned the designation. Don’t be mislead, I run and mostly think of how much I hate it, but I’m out there. I’ve even weaned myself off music while I run, so now my time is spent in prayer or just thinking (of things like December blog topics).

7.  became a Raleigh fellow. I returned from Spain, picked up and moved to Raleigh NC. Relationally, this year has been complete whiplash. I went from relational lack to overwhelmingly rich community, which means lots of conflict resolution, learning to live in community, and the joy of seeing each other grow.

8.  learned a new job. Starting a new job means lots of days feeling unproductive, which I loathe. Working at Jobs for Life has been such a growing experience, I couldn’t fathom trading it.

In peace and rest the Lord often whisks me into my memories and reminds me of his presence in the significant moments of my life, moments that weren’t necessarily “big” but definitely formative because of his presence. The Fellows program has allowed me the space to enter that peace and rest, and that space is an addictive therapy I further understand and seek because of the impact of Raleigh Fellows.

J. Nordstrom

When "Im Good" is easier to say

I know it has been over month since I wrote but life has been a little crazy. In the past several months there has been so much transition and change. There has been spiritual warfare, struggles with depression and isolation, and figuring out why Jesus called me to Raleigh. The reason I joined the program was a feeling that I was called to Raleigh. So a step onto the water. But the scariest part of all this is walking on water and feeling like I am sinking. There have been times were my heart hurts heavily and the devil whispers such lies in my ear, and I ask for Jesus to save me. Phrases like "I'm good" or "I'm fine" have been easier to say and do. We live in a culture where that is easier to say than what is actually going on. As people, we also do not take the time to really ask and see what is going on. I know I have been guilty of that so many times when I get busy. I find myself wondering where I am spiritually or emotionally, and asking Jesus to step into this void that I cannot get out of. Sometimes I just get stuck, stay in the same place, and try to fix my own problems. 

I know for myself, the last month or so I have just functioned through the day or at least strive to function more. That may sound like a weird way to put it. I think when I get into a routine, then I want to stay there as much as possible because it is stability. I crave the stability. I function my way through the day. I think the devil uses routine to trap us from seeing the beauty that God has for us. A common theme that has been coming up the past two weeks is that God is constantly remodeling our house. He is tearing down old decrepit walls for new stronger walls. He is expanding each room so that we can better commune with God. He wants to share such new beauty. But for me that means I have to give up a lot of stuff (rooms) that I have been accustomed to. That is so hard when I like stability. This is where Jesus is sticking out his hand saying I am with you. He knows I don't like change, and he wants to help me through this. I cant just be okay with how things are. I have to be willing to seek the Lord knowing he has the blueprints. But man that is harder than I think. I say it. But believing it is a whole other story that I am trying to understand.

I think in these times that I am struggling to let go, honesty and vulnerability are needed. Bring light to the darkness. I need to take a step outside of my routine and let people know what is going on in my mind and heart. I need to verbalize what is going on. Because there is God's beauty in a community that wants to know me. There is God's beauty in a host family that loves me super well. There is God's beauty in the unexpected plans. There is God's beauty even when it is so hard to see or feel. 

For me, God showed up in an unexpected way. I got a second job at Chick-fil-a because I needed the money, but also I am not feeling purposeful at my current job. This new job has been so good for me. It keeps me busy, moving, and in such a happy mood. I actually love working at Chick-fil-a. It has brought me a lot of joy the past couple weeks.

I do not know what is next. God still has me under construction. Yes, I still struggle to fight function and routine. Yes, I have been struggling to fight depression and isolation. Yes, it is okay not to be okay. And ultimately YES I want to step towards Christ continually.

Richie Rojas

Pressing into the Hard Things...

I’ll have to say, November was a pretty solid month. It started out at Camp Oak Hill in Oxford, NC at a Fellows Conference about social justice. Our Raleigh Fellows group had the job of providing snacks for the weekend, emceeing the Open Mic night, and welcoming all of the other eastern division fellows groups. As the other fellows groups arrived, our welcome music quickly turned into a welcome dance party where we cheered on each arriving group and danced ridiculously in between (cue spirit fingers and a LOT of Beyoncé). Thankfully the dancing continued into the weekend with the spontaneous dance parties that erupted each night after all of our scheduled events were finished. The best was the night of November 5th, where all of the fellows dance-partied until midnight to ring in my birthday on the 6th. The night hilariously started out with Zach teaching us a new rendition of the Cupid Shuffle and me busting the dance floor, and then my jeans when I tried dancing a little too hard. After I discretely slipped out to change into “comfy clothes,” the fellows joyfully sang “Happy Birthday” and then ushered me onstage to give my best Lil Mama “Lip Gloss” performance (thanks for the documentation of that, Ash). The rest of the day consisted of my fellow friends intentionally loving me, from “making” me wear a birthday crown and sash until we left the retreat, to going shopping with me at my favorite stores at the Crabtree mall, to surprising me later that night at my host family’s house with another AWESOME dance party (all of the creds to my host fam the Byron’s for putting that surprise together). All in all, the weekend was full of laughter, embarrassing dance moves, and sweet time with my fellow fellows.

Aside from all of the sweet and joyous memories I took away from our Fellows Retreat, I also took away an incredible lesson about what it looks like to press into the hard things. “Ok McKenzie, that’s a fancy phrase, but define it for us please.” To me, pressing into the hard things means to step into the things that are difficult, uncomfortable, or seem a little out of the norm. I’ll give you an example. I grew up in a very conservative Presbyterian church. We dressed in our finest Sunday attire each Sunday and sang all of our songs from Hymnals (you know, those old books with the words and musical notes printed in them). When I first came to college, the “free/ Spirit-filled” worship seemed foreign to me. There wasn’t much structure or order to the worship and that left me feeling uncomfortable, like I didn’t know what to do next. In Raleigh, there’s an awesome event on Monday nights that has worship similar to this. Feast and Feast includes a time of eating with each other and then moves into spontaneous worship. Being a part of Spirit-filled, no agenda worship has been extremely stretching for me, since it’s not what I’m used to, but it’s been really cool in the way it’s allowed me to step outside of my comfort zone and literally rely on the Spirit to lead me instead of my printed bulletin. Am I suggesting that this is the only or even best way to worship? By no means. I’ve heard from my friends who have grown up in these Spirit-filled churches that following a more traditional worship schedule that is thoughtful, intentional, and planned has been extremely stretching and growing for them, where as it might seem more natural for me. Pressing into the hard things doesn’t suggest that things should be done a certain way. For me, it means that God speaks to me in stepping out in faith and trying something that’s not easy for me, stepping into a place where I HAVE to rely on the Lord. During the month of November, that’s looked like taking time to turn off the radio in the car or at work and practicing the spiritual discipline silence. It’s been choosing to ask my coworker about her family when I’d rather just focus on getting my job done. It’s been asking real questions to my friends when I may rather settle for surface conversation. It’s been being vulnerable about how I’m really doing instead of responding with the easy “I’m fine.”

On the Fellows retreat, we got to hear about this idea first hand from a man who “presses into the hard things” on a regular basis. John Cotton Richmond is prosecutor that specializes in human trafficking.  To him, social justice and pressing into the hard things are one and the same. In his life, pressing into the hard things has looked like living in a neighborhood that was below his social status in order to know and care for those who don’t look like him. It’s looked like moving to India in order to free human slaves by working inside their criminal justice system. It’s looked like entering into extremely “unsafe” places in India to declare freedom for slaves who have been caught in human trafficking. It’s looked like moving back to the United States before he wanted in an effort to listen to the Lord’s calling. To John, social justice starts with going out of your way to do the things that are maybe difficult, uncomfortable, or seem a little out of the norm.

So as the 2016 year is coming to a close and we're about to enter into the next half of the Fellow’s Program, I’m starting to think about what it would mean to seek a career that would allow me to press into the hard things in order to further God’s redemptive plan for creation, instead of one that would bring me the most glory or comfort. But for tomorrow, I’m going to drive in the slow lane because for me right now that’s pressing into the hard things.   

-Kenz

simply grateful

I started this blog post at least 3 different ways. However, I think for a reflection on the month of November, the best way is to simply take a moment to simply say I’m grateful.  Grateful for so many things in the Fellows program, for the blessings of the past few months, anticipated and unanticipated.

I am simply grateful for:  

 My wonderful fellow-mates. I am so grateful for each and every one of them. For Kenz, and her ability to ask the exact right question to get at the very heart of the matter. For Jessie and her quiet and sincere way that you know she is really listening and hearing what you say. For Carryl and her compassionate heart that makes you feel oh so loved. For Mariah and her authenticity that she brings to relationships. For Stephen and how he is intentional with everything he does. For Matt and his passion for truth and righteousness. For Zach and the way he brings laughter and fun into any situation.  For Richie and his joy in serving others, especially by cooking delicious food.

 My host host family, the Bolashes. They love me and care for me so well. From cooking delicious food every Tuesday night for family dinner, to educating me on the joys of Gilmore Girls and Stranger Things. They really have taken me in as one of their own this year.

My job as the youth ministry intern.  The most unexpected gift of all. I have the honor of mentoring middle and high school girls as my job this year, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have these young women in my life and it’s an honor to get to know them.

thanks,

gebbie  

My Heart's Desire

This month seems to have passed far too quickly. It was one filled with news. Nationally, the Cubs won the series, and Trump won the presidency. Locally, the Fellows attended a social justice conference where we spent wonderful time in the quiet (and not so quiet), the Fellows and my host family threw me magnificent birthday celebrations, McKenzie and I went to Spartanburg listing to Hamilton, and Thanksgiving came and with it time to see my family including my chubby niece.

In our reading this month, I did an exercise in Sacred Rhythms in which we were asked to think about what we want most deeply. If I could ask the Lord for my heart’s deepest desire, what would I ask?

I honestly don’t know. Well I know. Sort of…it’s really that there are far too many things.  I want reconciliation and healing for a friendship, contentment with where the Lord has me now, wisdom for decisions about the future, salvation for my friends that don’t know him, knowledge to know how do be in relationship with non-Christians, stability, faith and assurance. I want life to pause for a second so I can catch my breath. I want peace because I know it won’t slow down. I want to know where I’ll be in a year. I want to know how to respond to political and social strife. All these and more.

I think I should be able to go through and rank these according to how deeply I desire them, pare it down a bit to highlight the most important desire or at least the top three. I confess I cannot. Each desire confuses me to no end. Lord, I have no answers. Relative to the number of questions, I have fewer answers than I did 6 months ago.

In all my questions, I’m learning to hold them before the Lord. If I can’t figure out what I want, or rather want so much that I am discontent, maybe I should ask the Father what he wants me to want (credit: Mary Vandel Young). Holding things before the Lord and waiting is not an easy task for my action seeking, driven-to-excel spirit. I have tried this, and it's not so fun, but I'll continue to try as it seems I have exhausted the other (more active) options.

J. Nordstrom

Henry Ford + the Thinker = this

If you were to ask me, "Zach, why do you enjoy the Raleigh Fellows Program?" my response would be, "it offers a space where I get to think."

Warning: this might seem to get philosophical, pessimistic, and morbid at times but I swear I have a point. Take a look at this sculpture and assume this pose. 

With that warning, you may now enter into Professor Kunkel's Philosophy 101 class. 

We live in a society today that tries with everything in its power and being to get us not to think.  For us to go with the cultural norm. For us to believe whatever well-put argument is placed before us. For us not to form our own thoughts. Rather for us to adopt others' thoughts as our own. We are in a culture that thinks in 15 second video clips rather than the whole.  Or in quotes rather than the whole speech. Or in texts rather than conversations. 

Think about it. This past election, no matter how passionately you feel about who won or lost, we saw this in our society the WHOLE time. How many of us actually listened to a whole debate? Or read the whole transcript of a speech of Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton's? I'll go out on a limb and say very few of us did. And the point I'm trying to make has nothing to do with politics. No. It is much bigger than that. My point is that, in large, we as a people have quit critically thinking. We have begun to numb our brains to not think beyond what is easily accessible or already been told to us. And yes, I'm using "we" because I am in this group.

I'm pointing this out because it was pointed out to me.  (Side note: a pet peeve of mine is when people point out a problem, big or small, and have no sort of solution offered. I assure you, I will try not to annoy myself and give a solution/thought at the end.) I have realized that my generation is a people who has seen the movie instead of read the book. Or that gets their news in 140 character tweets instead of actually watching it themselves.

This is exactly the reason why I have cherished my time in the Raleigh Fellows program so far.  The Raleigh Fellows has given me a unique combination of topics that are important but that I've never thought about + space to think + counsel offered + people wiser than I ever dream to be. It has offered me to see not only how I myself stand, but also to delve in and see what the Bible says. To see what Jesus says about these topics. To really think about how that leads my thoughts and actions daily. I'm getting to have conversations with a number of people who are challenging me to not just glaze over the tough topics, but rather to dig deep and delve while I think.

So, in an effort to not contradict my own pet peeve, I hope this points out our societal need to think critically about things. That this pushed you to have conversations, with others and yourself. To seek counsel from those around you. And, mostly, to see what our Lord says about these topics.

I heard that Henry Ford said, "Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it." 

Home

In college, I knew it was a turning point when, during my sophomore year, I caught myself saying, "It's time to go home," referring to my relatively new home at Furman. I had lived in Wilmington for 18 years and called the same house home for 16 of those. But eventually, people seem to make new places home for me. 

Well, last weekend, I again found myself claiming a new place as home. As I prepared to leave Wilmington after Thanksgiving, I knew it was time to go home. I thought about this concept on the drive, and wondered what it was about this place that makes it feel like home. Was it the way I can drive down my street and wave at neighbors as I enjoy their new Christmas lights? Or the fact that I know the gas stations with the cheapest gas or don't have to use my GPS for every trip I make to friends' houses?

After my drive, I looked up the definition of home, and found it labeled as "the social unit formed by a family living together." Well, yes, that sounds about right. But, when I kept scrolling, I was struck by the definition of "at home," which reads, "relaxed, comfortable, at ease, or in harmony with the surroundings." 

I feel like Raleigh has become home. Or rather, I feel at home in Raleigh. My home at the Daniel's house is a place of rest and warmth. My home at StepUp Ministry is a place where I feel comfortably challenged. My church home at Apostles is a place where I am encouraged and never just a number. My home with the Fellows is a place where I am known deeply and loved even deeper. I feel like I am living in harmony with my surroundings--the people, the places, the experiences. They are all flowing together into such a beautiful harmony it honestly makes me a little sad thinking about leaving this place in a few weeks for Christmas. 

I will always love and claim my first home in Wilmington. And I am so very thankful for my home at Furman for the last four years. I have been known to say, "I wish all the people I loved lived in the same place." But, home is not always a place. Home is sometimes a feeling, a knowing, an experience. Home is harmony. And during this season, the Lord has brought harmony in Raleigh, North Carolina. 

-Carryl

Fellowsgiving/My Birthday Celebration

Me-andering

---

Me. I can talk about 'me' for hours on end. If somebody doesn't tell me to cork it, I might do just that. Do I talk about myself because that is all I know? What does it stem from? Why do I talk about myself so much? Is it a need to seek approval? Is it because I think what I have to say is more important than whatever you have to say? Or, maybe it's because I don't know how to ask intelligent questions and so I proceed to ramble on about myself in hopes that nobody realizes that I cannot bring myself to stop and listen to others. Perhaps it is all of the above. Perhaps I need to just be quiet and listen, without any agenda. Perhaps in all of the noise that come out of my mouth, I simply find myself meandering about, with no direction and no destination in mind.

You. I don't know who you are. I might care about what you have to say - but if I don't find any similarities between us, I might just lose interest and turn away. I might think to myself that whatever occupies your mind isn't as profound or intelligent as what occupies mine. I might deem you unworthy of my attention, unworthy of my time. O how sinful I am! This is how I can be sometimes. I may not always be like this, but nothing I have written so far is false. I came into the Raleigh Fellows program wanting to know more about God; needing to grow closer to Him. I had not known it at the time, but it has become apparent that He is working in me, teaching and training me to be a person who listens, and listening well demands silence first.

Many a time, I have been told that I need to listen more. 'The words go into one ear and out the other; I have a complete disregard for others' opinions.' Many a time, I have dismissed these wise words, on the grounds that they are weak. Evidently, pride had a tight grip around me then (it still does to this day, but perhaps a little looser). I have come to realize that I regard nothing higher than the absolute truth, and anything that stands in its way is meandering and serpentine. Sometimes, other people's opinions latched onto the wrong side of what I hold to be the truth, and I almost always tell them that they are mistaken (often not in a nice way).

Maybe it was easier for me to tell someone that they were wrong. Maybe it was easier to not have to confront my own ideals and beliefs, but instead relegate others' to the discard pile. It's always easier to not have to change what you believe - to just let the status quo be. One thing that I have learnt over the years, though, is that we must always be alert to when we have to choose between what is right, and what is easy. What I can say with certainty is that my inclination to disregard other's ideas was absolutely not the right way to approach life. I was told more recently by a wise man that even if I am right in certain situations, it is not worth damaging the relationships in my life to prove that I am in fact right. The importance of the people in your life must be placed above that of 'who won the argument'.

We. Given the gift of community, we must not forget to regard the 'unity'. I remember very clearly J. John's words: "Mean what you say, and say what you mean, but don't say it mean!" For me to dismiss the words of others, and care only about what I have to say and what I have to contribute, is ultimately a very selfish trait. But to pour oil on the fire and speak in a nasty and mean manner is unacceptable. And yet I find myself doing that, both knowingly and unknowingly, in group settings on many occasions. Through times of silence and solitude, I have found that it is exactly silence and solitude that have been largely missing from my life, and a chief cause of why I am quick to speak, and slow to listen.

Do not be fooled. I hear every word and remember them quite clearly, but it is exactly this pride in my 'listening' ability that qualifies me as a non-listener. Listening is so much more than just registering the words that are coming out of another's mouth. It is visual, emotional, and spiritual. You can hear every word of someone's sentence and still miss the true meaning behind their speech. What God has been (and will undoubtedly continue) teaching me is the importance of silence. In the silence we learn to speak. I need to learn to listen, so that I may speak. Henri Nouwen puts it aptly: "A word with power is a word that comes out of silence... A word that is not rooted in silence is a weak, powerless word that sounds like a "clashing cymbal or a booming gong" (1 Corinthians 13:1)".

My prayer is that I find myself in more silences, so that I may listen more, and thus speak to encourage more than to tear down. Compassion and love stem from the silence, that much is clear. I desire more of that - there's no room for meandering.

---

mattyC

The Roots

I’ve been praying for the Lord to grow me closer to him this year. Maybe this is something you pray too, so you might not be as naïve as I am, but it seems that whenever I pray this, I imagine it to look something like me just simply feeling more loved and loving God more. However, I must laugh because my memory is short-lived. If I look back on my life, I can say with confidence that this is almost never the case. In times of real growth, I do not simply wake up happily one day and grow closer to the Lord. It is not some happy emotion or fleeting feeling.

Real growth is different. Real growth is painful. Real growth is hard. Real growth requires perseverance. It requires change, and death, and renewal.

I think of the simple seed. We all know that a small acorn can grow into a powerful oak, and this process seems simply beautiful and easy and glorious. But what is actually happening?  

When planted in the ground, a seed is in the depth and dark of the soil. And then it grows. Slowly. Painfully. Invisibly to the world around it. First, the outer protective layer of this seed splits in two revealing a vulnerable inside. Then there is slow growth… in the wrong direction. The sun is shining above and the rain falls on top of the soil, and the farmer is waiting to see the sprout come up out of the ground. Yet, the seed sends its growth in the opposite direction. Down. Away from the sunlight, rain, and the waiting world around it. This invisible process of growth is simply small sprouts pushing through dark soil. The Roots.

The Roots. The invisible foundations that provide strength and nutrients and power to the oak. Without the roots, the oak is nothing. When the roots aren’t established there is no visible growth. When the roots rot, the oak falls. The visible tree is what we see, the roots are what grows and sustains it. Eventually the roots of that seed feed and reveal a powerful oak. But it is not the trunk or the leaves or the bark that causes the branches of the oak to grow, but the roots. The unseen work under the soil.

I pray for growth, and I want the beautiful leaves and the sturdy trunk and the heaven-reaching branches. I don’t want the invisible dirty roots. I want the prosperity and the beauty and joy that can be seen on the outside, in my actions and in my life, but I don’t want the hard, invisible work that happens deep in my heart and soul. I want the beautiful sunshine without the dirt and grit of the soil. I want the faith without the situations that require me to trust, the humility without the circumstances that show I am flawed, and the selfless love for others without the people that cause me to die to my own desires. I want the growth without the struggle, the beauty of the tree without the dirty, slow growth of roots.  

This year in the Raleigh Fellows Program, I’ve prayed for the Lord to Grow me. He has. He is. The strange thing in this Christian life is that growth in Christ many times doesn’t look like growth, but death.

Death to my desires. Death to my plan. Death my ego. Death to my sin. Death to myself.

Death. The first step in growth. It is only in this death that we can truly become alive and grow into what the Lord has called us to. The Lord is growing roots, giving me situations to trust him and put to death those things that call me away. This process of dying to self, isn’t pretty, isn’t easy. It’s hard. Painful. Ugly. It’s the process of laying down roots. It’s the invisible process of the Holy Spirit communing with the soul. Of choosing his will over mine, of choosing to trust instead of doubt, of choosing to love him above all else. It’s the process God has me in right now. It’s a continual process. It’s the process of growth.

Growth this year. Real growth. It’s allowing God to do the hard work. The invisible soul work. The death-to-self work. The dirty, painful, growing down into the soil work. But it is this growth, this death to myself, that will draw me up and closer to Him.  While the Lord grows me in the dirt and soil, putting to death those things that desire to rot my roots, he is growing me in life. Teaching me what it looks like to truly grow and be alive in him. And this is what this growth looks like. I am learning to embrace the process of real growth. The hard stuff, the invisible stuff, the roots. 

-Gebbie

Rihanna Got It Right (This One Time At Least)

To give a little context to some of you all who don’t know, in college I was involved in a ministry called, “Young Life”.  Young Life is near and dear to my heart because the summer before I went to college, I went to a Younglife camp (Sharp Top Cove) and heard the Gospel in a way that made sense to me for the first time in my life.  I came back after Sharp Top and entered my freshman year at NC State.  Not going to lie, the beginning of college was TOUGH.  There was a lot of longing to fit in and doing whatever I could do to be accepted by people.  The whole time I was running away from people who actually desired to be my friend.  I would come to figure out later that these same people desired for me to have a relationship with the God who put on flesh to know me (and you).  Through a lot of conversations with these same people and a lot of time reflecting on it myself, in late September of my freshman year, I accepted Jesus’ death and life as my own.  Then the question in my mind was, “Alright, so, what’s next?”  It didn’t take me long to hear that EVERY believer is called into ministry.  Then in December of that same year, I set out to become a Young Life leader to befriend high school kids, build relationships and earn the right to tell them about Jesus.

Fast-forward through the next four years of my life to my senior year of college when the age-old question of, “what are you going to do after college?” is being asked.  To be brutally honest, that question SUCKS.  That is a tough time for most everybody and I was no exception.  I was stuck in this debate, internal and external, about whether I wanted to pursue a career in ministry or if I wanted to pursue a job in the “real world”.  Spoiler alert, I chose neither and entered the Raleigh Fellows Program for the next year.  I did this in hopes that I could take this year to figure out what God was calling me to for the rest of my life (that is a long time).

Which brings me to the point of my blog.  I figured out pretty early on into my decision that I wanted to pursue a job in the business world doing what I’m good at and using the gifts and abilities God has blessed me with.  So, with that I saw that my job’s purpose was going to be to put me in a community where my sole purpose was to love my employees.  Right?  That is what Christians are called to do.  To love people.  But why did that feel like that was only part of the equation?  Another spoiler alert: because it is only part of the equation.  

“Zach, are you saying that as a Christian my sole purpose isn’t to love people?”  No!  Of course not.  But what I am saying is that we are not looking at the whole picture quite yet.  I heard this quote a few weeks ago, “See, God doesn’t only love lawyers, engineers, and doctors but he also loves law, structures and medicine.”  Do you see what they are saying?  Yes, of course God loves people. In fact, He loves them enough to voluntarily sacrifice His own son for them in the hopes that they would know and encounter Him.  But our purpose when we work is not only to love our employees like Jesus would, but to also strive to glorify God in our work because he delights in what we do.  Whether it is closing a multi-million dollar sale, vacuuming your house, conducting research for a colleague, or whatever the case may be, God takes delight in us when our motivation behind it is to lift him up.  I’ve heard someone close to me also say, “God didn’t make crap, so why should we?”

I now know that the question I asked myself during my senior year of college wasn’t the correct question.  I now realize that there should be and is no distinction between ministry and your work.  God designed you and me with passions, things that make us excited, talents we thrive in, and workplaces that allow us to do those things well. That God has called us all to have a ministry wherever we are and that it is two-fold: to love people, no matter your mission field, and to take pride in your work as to glorify God (Colossians 3:23).

With all of that being said, I can say that God designed us in his image and likeness.  He works and so we too, work.  This is why I leave with these wise words from Rihanna,

“Work, work, work, work, work, work.”

-Zach Kunkel 11/7

It's Not About Me

I often find myself frustrated in group settings like roundtable within the Fellows program. I'm frustrated not because they're something wrong with roundtable or the nine awesome fellows, but because I don't feel like I have anything to say or contribute to the group. It's shocking how rare it is that I realize that frustration arises from thinking about ME. How can I be noticed, how can I be admired for what I've done, how can I give people a reason to love me, how can I give people a reason to spend time with me. Me. Me. Me. 

It's always easy to be obsessed with me. When I think about the 7th grade young men that I could have an influence on, it's easy to put the pressure on myself to be awesome. I reason that if I lead an uber (it's not just an app, look it up) successful life, that is the ultimate example. I reason that if people look at me and how well I do things, somehow that will point them to the God who makes a successful life possible. 

I often end a difficult attempt at forging community with Christians with the thought that it's so much easier to get along with non believers. I have cast about the theory that Christians are more judgmental, therefore harder to love and be loved by. But maybe non believers are easier for me to get along with because they're equally obsessed with themselves. What else is there in a world without God? The only thing to know is yourself, the only thing that can be changed is yourself, and so what else would you talk about besides your self and what it has done?

So what is it about? Well if you take the perspective that life on this earth should be a glimpse of the renewed kingdom to come, I think a quote from one of our readings gives great insight: 

“Your eternal destiny is not cosmic retirement; it is to be part of a tremendously creative project, under unimaginably splendid leadership, on an inconceivably vast scale, with ever-increasing cycles of fruitfulness and enjoyment-that is the prophetic vision which eye has not seen and ear not heard.”

— Dallas Willard, Soul Keeping, pg 22

Making sure people know how great I think I am, being a part of every joke, having MY life together.. none of that is my eternal destiny. My eternal hope and my hope on this earth is to be a part of an tremendous project on a vast scale that's all about God and his people. So rather than spending group time distracted by the fact that I'm not being glorified, or that Christians can be judgmental, why not be caught up in my eternal destiny? 

Ironically I've said the word "me" and "I" over and over and talked mostly about about myself in this blog post. I want to devote this last paragraph to an update that's not about me or the things I've done or what exactly has happened to me here and there. Sadly it's hard to think of what to write that isn't about me or how things have affected me, so I'd like to write a few words about everybody else.  

Ashley's the bomb. That could be enough said, but to me more specific she stays up with talking to any one of us (sometimes 2+ in succession) after late roundtable nights when she has a family waiting upstairs. Richie has a crazy heart for his youth group kids (2, no plus) that leads him to spend his free time with them every chance he gets. Sam packs an unbelievable amount of quiet wisdom into his less than six feet of height. Zach knows everybody and yet he takes the time to know us. Matty's bold about everything from the Spirit to the disc. Kenzie's full of life, dancing, stank face (while dancing, not saying her face stanks), and hand gestures. Everyone I've met who's met Gebbie loves her. Jessie's got a great way of articulating things while the rest of us babble and try to sound deep. Mariah's so easy to talk to that I feel like we lived the same life in a previous incarnation or something. And Carryl's our caring mother from another.... mother? Is that how you'd say it? But, seriously Carryl cares more than anyone I've seen and sometimes more than I can hope I ever will.

And as I type these last lines I'm realizing, they're the best part of Raleigh fellows, not another something that happened to me. Because, it's not about me. 

- Stephen Sumrall (it would have been really poetic to leave my name out, but I feel like      that wouldn't fly) 

Hear

“He who has ears, let him hear”

“Hear Jessie…”

Hear what?

After listening to the parable of the seed (Matthew 13), I went on a walk through the woods looking for seed on a path, on rocks, in thorns/kudzu, on fertile soil…I’m a visual learner. As the sun hit my back I looked at some rocks, standing over them to cover them with my shadow. If only I could stand here and shade the seed from the scorching sun, then maybe it would grow. Or if I could create a space for the seed in the thorns, then it would grow. But thorns take over fertile soil unless someone rips it all out, and I can’t stand to shade forever. It takes someone much bigger than me to cultivate all that land. I can’t do it all, but I want to.

“Hear Jessie…

All those times you thought it was your burden to speak the truth of the gospel into people’s lives, that wasn’t your burden. I’ve asked you to pray and show up, professing the hope in you, but that should be freeing, not burdensome.”

“He who has ears, let him hear.” I’ve always thought that Jesus was imploring the non-Christian to hear his message. If they would just hear the truth (preferably coming from my mouth), then they’d know. I never thought that Jesus might be asking me to stop and listen. Frankly, I’d much rather ask questions. Especially the ones that might make people think I’m intelligent. Ask and search, then ask better and search better. If I could just get the right formula, ask the right questions to the right people, I’d know. And if I knew, then my lost friends would hear and know.

All my searching shows me a couple things about my heart. I’m uncomfortable with the not knowing (read: I don’t trust where the Lord has me spiritually); I desperately want to earn my own salvation as well as salvation for my friends; and I rarely know rest. Thankfully, 1 Corinthians gives some solace to the one who struggles with the not knowing (s/o to Carryl for the reminder).

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known”

Even the things we know here, we can’t fully. So what do I do? Jason Young told us recently to “find joy the questions.” I want that kind of rest. God is good, and dwelling on his goodness brings joy and peace that permeate every facet of my life. The goodness of God has been on my heart and mind a lot this month. Knowing his goodness is inextricably connected to resting and hearing. For now I’m going to proclaim his goodness in hopeful expectation that I believe it and then learn to rest and truly hear.

My prayer: Lord there’s a lot going on in my mind about who you are, who I believe you are, and how I behave in response to who I believe you are. Help me to that place where I know the rest that comes when I stop searching frantically and instead hear you and what you have for me right now. Let me not seek to by-pass the journey or listen only long enough for sound bytes.

J. Nordstrom

Where's the Easy Button?

I thought Fellows would be easy. And I was oh, so wrong.

Yep, I said it. And I will admit, I am a bit of an optimistic idealist. Sometimes, I get so lost in my dreams about how I want the world to be, I forget the reality of the way the world is. 

For nine months before I became a fellow, I dreamed. Having never really lived in long-term, Christian community, all I had to rely on were my dreams. I dreamed of the way all 9 fellows would immediately become best friends and love each other all the time. I dreamed of the late night chats and the encouraging words and even holding each other accountable, but I forgot to dream about the hard stuff. I forgot that in the midst of really beautiful community, there would be moments that are not so easy. 

But, I am learning that in these moments, growth happens. I would not have been molded and stretched if I came to Raleigh and these nine months were filled with perfect relationships and flawless experiences. In the imperfections and the flaws, I see the Lord working. 

As I struggle, and I mean STRUGGLE, to learn how to deal with conflict in love, I have learned so much about myself. As I start to see parts of my hearts that are not quite as pretty and put together as I thought, I thank the Lord that He's not finished with me yet. As I yearn to be in deeper relationship with my Father, I know that He is pursuing me daily. 

To put it simply, I have been searching for an easy button. And there is not one. Because the Lord knows that if there was, He would not be able to use the hard stuff to refine us and draw us closer to Himself.

-Carryl T.

Here it is...

I don’t want to think. I don’t want to reflect. I just want to do. “Be still and know that I am God” has got to be the toughest verse in the Bible for me right now. “Be active and talk about me,” is what I like to think the verse says. I think this difficulty comes from a few places.

One is that I don’t like taking a strong opinion on things. When I take a strong opinion on a thought or an action that comes from a thought, I’m opening up myself to the chance of being wrong, or worse, someone thinking that I’m wrong. Someone thinking that I’m wrong usually is followed by questions about why I think the way that I do, or even challenges to the thought itself. So yeah… easier not to think, easier just to act.

Another is that sometimes I don’t know how to think, like really think, critically think, analytically think because I think in motion. I’m always on the move and tend to take in information, think, and act all in the same breath. According to my extroverted nature (thanks Meyers Briggs), I have a tendency to talk-think-talk. I’ve seen this to be pretty true in my own life. True life from an extrovert herself: sometimes I don’t think about things until I start talking about them, and then the talking helps me think, and then I process and think at the same time, and then start telling you everything. So needless to say being still and simply knowing that He is God is tough for my extroverted, externally processing system most of the time.

Another thing I find tough is simply knowing what is true about God. The things that my parents told me to be true about God growing aren’t cutting it anymore; I’m having to discover that for myself. The hardest part for me now is getting past the language. I’ve pretty much perfected my Christianese at this point. You know, that language that Christians use when we don’t want to actually think about what we’re saying but want to sound like we know what we’re talking about. The language acts as a barrier, I can act and do and talk at the same time without actually thinking about what I’m saying. It’s sort of like wearing a mask and I’ve grown to be a professional mask-wearer: it looks put together and says the right things, but it’s shallow. A lot of this year for me is figuring out what it looks like to live without a mask. To think for myself. To be still and know.

And the fact that I don’t want to be still and write this blog post is exactly the reason that I should. I’ve found that a lot of being a Christian is about doing the things that I don’t want to do. So here I am, and here it is. 

-Kenz

Let's Talk About Death

One of the many parts of the Raleigh Fellows program is the opportunity to take seminary level classes. We get to learn from some really smart and wise teachers. This semester we are taking 4 classes: 1)Family Systems Theory, 2)Old Testament Studies, 3)Worldview, and 4)Spiritual Formation. These classes have included tons of reading and even more thinking. These classes are slowly expanding my perspective  on a lot.

One of the first assignments for our Spiritual Formation class was to talk about our death. We had to write our own Eulogies.. This was quite the experience. I had to think about my future and what I want to leave behind. I spent several hours praying about what the Lord could possibly have for me in my future. What could my legacy even be?

There surely are passions and dreams the Lord has placed on my heart. I look at how God has created a strong desire for youth ministry. He has blessed me with a huge heart to love people well. I have a passion to serve people with my gifts of hospitality and administration. Ultimately, he has been teaching me to love to seek him first above all else because that is where everything flows from.

Below is potential ways I see the Lord moving in my life. Below is my eulogy that speaks into my passions and desires, but also speaks more to dreams. The first thing is my eulogy is written from the perspective of my youngest son, Tom Tom. I have always thought adoption is in my future, but I also have a love for special needs kids. This is where Tom Tom comes into the picture. Tom Tom is my down syndrome son. I find myself already praying for him. That is a weird thought to think about, but one that brings a smile to my face. Picture him and his story about me.

Hi. My name is Tommy. But my dad called me, Tom Tom. My dad was my best friend and I am going to miss him a lot. We did everything together like eating ice cream out of the container, dancing to music with the family in the living room, and watching my favorite movies together even though he has seen them a hundred times. My dad was my best friend. But he was also friends with lots of people. One of his most favorite people was my mom, his wife, Lillian. Or as he like to call her, his Lily. They got married on June 19, 2019 in memory of his mom who couldn’t be there. He use to cook her whatever she wanted and take her on fun dates to the zoo. That was one of his favorite places. She was the love of his life. He use to look at her and smile. Then he would say, how did I get so lucky? They use to pray together all the time, but they would look into each other’s eyes instead of closing their eyes. That was so cool.

My dad and mom had 5 kids total including me, Tom tom. There is Ezra Cole, Annie Laraine, the twins (Nathaniel James and Sarah Claire), and then me. He would always tell us to love big knowing Jesus loves bigger. Man it must be fun now that daddy can hug Jesus since he always talked to him. My dad really loved talking to Jesus. We use to go to church where Uncle Joe was the pastor. Uncle Joe and dad were best friends growing up. Daddy use to be his Young Life leader. Dad worked for Young Life for 30 years. It was cool because we turned our garage into a club room. I always had tons of new friends coming in and out of our house. It was like an endless supply. He would stand up in front of all the kids and talk about how much Jesus loved each and every one of them. He would always tell them that God’s love was like a hug from me, Tom Tom. I liked giving hugs to everybody. He told me my hugs were a gift from God so I just wanted to give them to everybody. So I did.

After my dad stopped working for Young Life, he went to open a nonprofit called Tom Tom’s Heart. He did that for 15 years. It helps to help other special needs kids like me learn about Jesus and find jobs that we like to do. That is how I became a cook at George’s, dad’s favorite Italian restaurant. Dad and I use to cook together all the time. He would let me cut the vegetables. That was my favorite. He would work really hard to find businesses that would partner with his organization. He also brought me to Thrive every week where we all got together to talk about Jesus and how we saw Jesus each week. Dad had some other programs that helped my friends get a place to live and learn to live on our own. That is how I met my wife, Amanda. Dad decided to retire from Tom Tom’s Heart. Nate wanted to follow in dad’s steps and run Tom Tom’s Heart.

Dad and mom then took some time for themselves and traveled a lot. They wanted to find new places to have fun and see what else in the world there was. He said he wanted to find the Gospel in a new way and see how the faith was lived out in other parts of the world. He always had a desire to see the world until he realized his world was with his family who pushed him to love Jesus because he wanted to love us better. He and mom moved back after a couple years. Mom, dad, and all my brothers and sisters lived in the same city together. He wanted to be a grandpa, a father, and someone who you could sit and talk with for hours.

Dad use to always say that he wanted to open his own restaurant and hire friends from Tom Tom’s Heart. He never got the chance. Instead, I get to do that with my wife. Mom is also going to help us do it. She said dad would want us to. We are going to cook for people and they are going to pay whatever they want. This way all people no matter from where can always have food to eat. He lived a life that I was proud of. He loved people so well. He loved Dad always said to love big knowing Jesus loves bigger.

My eulogy speaks to a lot of things in my life that I pray the Lord has His Hands on. There are so many passions, desires, and dreams that the Lord has put on my heart. There are probably more that I haven’t even discovered yet and I look forward to continue walking in these. This assignment me taught me to dream big with God. I do not know where God will take over these next several months through the Raleigh Fellows program, or what the future holds. I do know that these passions and desires will be in my life in some sort of capacity. And for that.. I am blessed!

Richie Rojas

Don't Be All About the Business

---

You may already be confused by the title.

Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone insane.

Yes, I was a Finance and Business Economics undergrad. Yes, business is all around me, and it has been a big part of my life. But I'm not talking about that type of business. I want to talk about 'busyness' and all that comes with it. (This could also have been titled 'The Pursuit of Busyness' but I felt unworthy of such a Will Smith classic)

I valuate and evaluate businesses at my internship with TCAP. It's the majority of what I do there. On most days, I will work between 10 - 11 hours, and in this industry that would be considered a very light workload. Most people in the office work more than me - especially when it's a busy season, and work needs to be done. I'm never the first person in, nor the last one out. I have investment banker friends who tell stories of being on-call 24/7 and sleeping at 3am only to go back to the office at 6am. Nevertheless, I find myself working more than the program's required 8 hours a day, and with it, less hours in the day to accomplish other parts of the program (yes, I'm talking about readings).

For a brief few days, I took pride in working longer hours, in contributing to my internship, in being busy and engaged and on-the-go all the time. I'm a big deal if I'm always busy, right? I no longer think that way. One of my mentors from back home in Sydney reminded me that it is much better to seek out balance over busyness in life. He told me to be careful not to become a 'watch the clock tick over' worker, but rather be someone who leaves when the work is done, and not just stay for the sake of staying - it is not a competition. As a Raleigh Fellow, I am here to not just work, but also learn and serve. I cannot truly be a Fellow if one of my roles overtakes the others and hijacks my time this year.

So, I am learning to be more balanced in my week - to allocate time where time is due. Business should not be my main concern. My main concern should be my personal development, in all facets of life. I have recently begun the (very slow) process of spending more time alone, and for a raging extrovert like me, trust me it is tough. 'Soul Keeping' by John Ortberg taught me that in order to take care of my soul, I must be able to sit and be still with myself, and be self-reflective. I have to be able to look inward and find peace with God, from the deepest depths of my soul.

If I cannot take care of my inner life, no accomplishment or joy from my outer life shall be able to redeem the lost state of my soul. I long for a closer relationship with God, I long for a healthier inner life, I long to be able to not rely on the energy of other people and just be able to be alone in the silence. I seek not for busyness, but for balance. I'm all about this Raleigh Fellows business, I'm all about this balanced life.

I continue to pray for the ability to be alone, and to escape the allure of busyness.

---

mattyC

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

Stephen Sumrall | September (Belated) Blog

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This morning at 7:00 am in one of the classy niche coffee shops of downtown Raleigh, my mentor reminded me of this prayer. The serenity prayer. Addicts are encouraged to prayer this prayer as they battle with the habits they've formed and learn to capitulate their lives to to their God. Running back and forth from one planned aspect of the Raleigh fellows program to the next makes me feel like I'm addicted, addicted to busyness. Pouring into the lives of youth is a great practice, as is intentional family time, and let's not forget serving in the church. Each of the aspects of the program have made me more busy, but at the same time they've spoken to me about serenity, courage, and wisdom.

So how does one find serenity or peace in the midst of the business? Being discipled by your employer during work hours isn't mandated by Raleigh Fellows, but God can find a way to reach you when you expect it last. Earlier today my mind was frazzled, it was literally scattered all over the office in the form several different projects that demanded my attention. In the midst of the chaos, my employer Stu, walked in to prep an order next to me. Somehow the conversation turned to the word Selah as Stu reminded me that it means to pause. Take a break. Even in the midst of the chaos God used an aspect of the program that made me busy to remind me not to be busy. 

Raleigh fellows has required courage of us too. Everything is new and overwhelming. Every morning I have to roll out of a strange bed, onto a floor my toes still aren't used to feeling, and avoid some relative strangers that cohabitate the house I live in. Surprisingly those same "strangers" are the people who give me courage and I wonder how I could have known so little about my host family just a month ago. They have taken it upon themselves to give me courage to pour into others and encouraged me to use their resources to help myself in that endeavor. God uses the very things that initially required courage to fill me and change other things around me. 

As I sat in the newly remodeled Helios Cafe gazing over Eric's shoulder at the waking streets, my mentor imparted the wisdom of the serenity prayer to me. And in the spirit of that prayer I hope Raleigh Fellows  helps me continue to accept what I can't change with peace, not hesitate to jump on the opportunities I have, and continue learning wisdom from employers, mentors, and other fellows to know the difference. 

Seeking Discomfort

Lets throw it back to January of 2015! I went on an awesome road trip with some even better friends to College Weekend at Windy Gap in North Carolina. It was such a grand experience, but I left feeling like I was too comfortable. The speaker talked about how too many Christians are willing to stay in the boat because we seek comfort and security over Jesus(Matthew 14:22-33).  We see Jesus in our periphery, but that is good enough for us. Bold words if you are asking me. He talked about the difference between “seeing” Jesus and “experiencing” him while walking on water.

Matthew 14:25-33 — At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. “A ghost!” they said, crying out in terror. But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.” Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come ahead.” Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!”Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?” The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down. The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, “This is it! You are God’s Son for sure!”

What a challenge.. Christ calls us to leave comfort and security, and to walk on water. I am not too keen on being uncomfortable. Now fast forward to last 6 months. I firmly felt the Lord pushing me to Raleigh, NC, but was placed in Asheboro, NC for Young Life staff. I found out I was turned down for that position and asked to wait a year to pursue YL Staff. I thought I was obeying the Lord and stepping out onto the water. I was devastated.. My heart hurt, but my pride hurt even more. I felt betrayed because I thought I clearly felt nudges from the Lord to pursue North Carolina. This was Young Life. I was good at doing Young Life. I loved ministry and loved telling high school kids about Jesus even more. Why wasn’t I could enough. I did not understand. But man the Lord had something else in mind. Here comes this idea to apply for the Raleigh Fellows, not knowing anything about the program. My prayer had consistently been that the Lord would make me uncomfortable and step out of the boat for Him.

Now fast forward to middle of August. I was packing up my life in Arizona to leave for Raleigh. It still hadn’t sunk in yet how hard this move was going to be. I think the excitement and joy of something new clouded this fear. I get to Raleigh on August 22nd after one heck of a road trip visiting so many friends and family along the way. It left me feeling ecstatic about this move. I had two weeks in Raleigh before the program started and it was spent getting loved on by the amazing Cockerham family that have truly won over my heart. The Cockerham’s had been my summer staff coordinators the summer of 2015 when I worked at Windy Gap. But the transition happened… I moved in with my host family, The Boultons. They are such a fun family to be around. There is Bryon and Stacy who have 4 boys: Daniel (10), David (8), Noah (5), and Josiah (3). The program was getting ready to start..  in 3.. 2.. 1.. Go!

And that is how it happened.. It was like a sprint the first week. So many new and different things. I met so many people the first day, then that night we left for orientation retreat at Atlantic Beach with 9 other people that I did not know. What a whirlwind.. Over the next week, I got introduced to the youth group I would be serving in, my job at Step Up Ministry, a whole new church at The Church of the Apostles, seminary classes that prove to challenge the way I think, and community with the 8 other Fellows and Ashley our program director (pictured above). I realized quickly that I felt like a fish out of water.

The past 5 years of my life had been college and loads of Young Life. I was good at those things.. But now, all I felt was discomfort and I didn’t like it. I was overwhelmed with everything new that was happening in Raleigh while my heart was still back in Phoenix with my family and friends. I found myself shutting down my personality, putting on a smile, saying I am doing great, and feeling like I was failing as Richie and the program. I became quiet.. Yes I became quiet! I felt isolated and alone. I did not feel myself. I told God that I did not want to be uncomfortable.. I regretted asking for this. I ached to see my routine and comfort. I hated feeling like a failure and a screw up. The devil consistently fed me lies of my worth. But at the same time, Jesus said to look into his eyes. I will admit.. I did not want to. I wanted to do this by myself. I did not want help. I wanted to be good enough to succeed. I wanted to be enough. That just left me hurt even more.

The past few weeks since the program started on September 7th, I have kept reading those bible verses that have clenched my heart for almost 2 years. I am not going to say everything is fixed or easy now. I still find myself holding back and wondering if I can and will connect fully. Those questions are my insecurity while stepping out of the boat. This is where the blog title comes from. But what I am trying to do is hold on to Jesus’ hand and look into his eyes. I quickly realized during these past few weeks that is all I can hold on to. The storm around me which consists of new and discomfort pales in comparison to the grip Jesus has on me. Even if I do not believe or trust at times He can hold me. Walking on water is terrifying because it goes against everything I think should be normal and routine. Jesus is breaking molds and structures I have in place in my mind. He is tearing down walls I have so neatly built. But my hope for this blog (https://manoutoftheboat.wordpress.com) is to be a place to talk about my fear, thoughts, experiences, and trying to trust in Jesus as a … Man Out of the Boat.

Richie Rojas

Worth the Risk?

Raleigh, NC. Oh how I didn’t expect to be here.

Up until recently, my life was on a very different path. Through some turning of events, these plans changed and left me wondering what to do next with my life. The Raleigh Fellows Program somewhat fell into my lap and after some sweet conversations with the infamous Ashley Crutchfield, I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s next best step for me.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -CS Lewis

When I think of my past month in Raleigh, this quote comes to mind. We’re learning how to love. We’re learning how to be vulnerable. But loving involves risk; it involves the potential to hurt and to be hurt. The possibility of being disappointed and let down. And yet, anyone who has ever gone on a great adventure will tell you that it involves a decent amount of risk. The question we’re left with is, is it worth the risk?

On September 6, 2016 I decided that vulnerability, love, and adventure were worth the risk.

A month later I want to say: Thanks Fellows, thanks for not allowing me to avoid entanglements. Because if that’s one thing that I’ve seen so far, it’s that we’re entangled. Our hearts, our lives, our stories. Thanks for letting me be the ninth fellow and for letting me off-set the balance. Thanks for driving across the state to make my dream day a reality. Thanks for desiring to know me, to love me, to get into the mess of life with me. I can’t wait to see what the next 8 months of this adventure looks like. 

-McKenzie "Kenz" Wilson