Deer in the Headlights

Good Gracious! What a freaking month February has been. Full of laughs, joy, birthdays, retreats, lent, sunshine (thank God), work, play, weights, reading, movies, conversations, laments, tests of patience, depth, discipline, growth, awareness, face times, the holy spirit, and just about everything else under the sun. I truly believe when I look back on highlights from my fellows year I will think of February. The problem ahead of me as I begin writing this blog, for the love, is what the heck to write about! No I don’t already have it planned out, I never do. I have found it is more fun and freeing to just start typing, or pecking like a chicken, and allow my words to begin to write themselves. Aight folks, an idea has entered my grey matter and I am just going to go for it! Enjoy these highlights from the month… The title will be made clear in number 4 so make sure you read until the end!

1. Birthdays!: The month began with some exciting expectations of the birthdays to come. Our very own Tommy Joe, Sarahhhh W, and Morgggie Phillips all had their very special 23rd birthdays this month! Their celebrations were truly such a fun time for our fellows group as a whole. From kings corner, to karaoke, to the dance party of a lifetime we truly celebrated a lot throughout the first weeks of February! It was a joy to get to celebrate their birthdays, and definitely brought gratitude to my heart. I am thankful for what each of them bring to the group. Tommy Joe: the perfect balance of joy and wisdom. Morgan: her heart that sees the best in others. Sarah: her desire to right the wrongs. If you haven’t gotten to meet and get to know them yet YOU MUST!

2. Lent!: The practice of lent is something that I will admit I am a little unaccustomed too. It was one of the practices of our faith that my family just didn’t put as much emphasis on as we grew up. I was approached with the idea after attending Vintage Church in college and quickly fell in love with the vision of the practice. It truly is such a great way to try and dedicate the 4o days leading up to the resurrection of our savior. Personally I decided to give up Tik Tok for the month, and take on a space of daily meditation or emmanuel prayer. Although i’ll admit I haven’t practiced solitude daily, it truly has been an amazing experience for me. To sit in silence, meditate on God’s word, and to focus inwardly on the holy spirit that resides inside of me has already taught me so much.

3. Tears!: If you know me well you know I don’t cry often. This isn’t due to lack of deep emotion or feelings, but honestly due to the amount of vulnerability I feel when I cry in front of people. I feel like tears bring forth a cleansing of the soul, which is such a valuable experience to be apart of with another. Anyways, on this past Friday we were headed up to a retreat with John Richmond! What an incredible time full of fun, insights for life, and quality time spent together. We drew names out of a hat to see who would be our road trip buddies ,and I was blessed with Brooke, Tommy, and Austin! We piled into my Jeep ;) (@Trey) and headed off to the Lake. It began to rain and if i’m being honest there were so many times the clarity of my vision was decent at best. I saw my phone light up from a text from my Father so of course I asked my dear friend Tommy to read it because I am such a safe driver. The text read; “If I haven’t told you lately how proud I am of you, let me say it now. You are awesome! You are on the starting lineup of an amazing rest of your life. Live it well.” Tears. These words from my father truly mean’t so much to my heart. My dad has an incredible story of redemption, but that doesn’t mean his story hasn’t impacted our relationship. For years I thought I had to earn my dads approval, and live up to his standards for success. I told myself In order to be loved my him it took performance, and accomplishment. This is a heavy burden to bare as all young men long to look into their Dad’s eyes and hear the words “you are enough”, “you have what it takes”, I am proud of you”. Hearing Tommy read these words from my Father just struck a tender part in my heart. It truly is the small, out of the blue moments in life. The tears came slowly, I tried to deflect of course, but then allowed Tommy to press into the emotions I was feeling and it became a beautiful car ride through the rain, and amongst the tears.

4. Deer In the Headlights!: The reason for the title, my favorite night of February, a moment I will never forget. Driving home from the Byron’s after a glorious night I felt the Holy Spirit stronger than I have in many years. The goosies (as Pauline likes to call them) quickly spread over my body as I became aware of the presence of the Spirit in my car. As I worshiped, the Lord filled my heart, called me by my true names, and allowed me to feel his love wash over me. I ended up parked in our driveway deep in prayer, and full of gratitude to the Lord for allowing me to see and feel him. These moments are hard to find amongst our busy schedules, bustling lives, and never ending agendas, but he is there. As I said my amens I had a gut check feeling to turn on my high beams. Grazing off in the field, past the pine trees lining our backyard, were four deer minding their own business. To most people they would think nothing of this encounter, but to me I was hit with a reminder of how personal our God is to US! O how well he knows us each individually. Nature, hunting, and deer have all played a special part in my life and my faith in Christ. The woods is where I hear the Spirit the clearest, and deer trigger those memories and so many joyous experiences from hunting over the years with my father and friends. God is personal. He knows our hearts and how to connect with us on a Intimate level that others might not understand. He speaks through the wind, and the sounds of nature and praise be to God I was listening on this February night.

“God may I never forget the month of February 2021. From the growth in self awareness, an increased capacity in relationships, and memories with many people I care deeply for, Lord don’t let me forget. Thank you for being a God who is personal. Who knows our inmost beings, what drives us, and what allows our souls to come alive. Lord, help me to find you amongst the chaos of daily life, and if I’m not looking please just continue to shout louder :) - G$ 3/2/21

february xx

From dust you came and to dust you will return. 

I heard this sentence spoken to every person that attended the ash Wednesday service when lent started earlier this month. It’s a pretty sobering reminder of how small and insignificant we are in the face of eternity. As John Richmond put it rather bluntly this past weekend, “You are an irrelevant fossil.” Taken out of context, this stings a little but when you really think about it, it’s true. I will die one day and after a while, no one will remember me, or care. This simply means that the way I care so deeply about what other people think on earth doesn’t matter and the only thing that does is what the Lord says of my identity.

Fellows has given me so many opportunities to hear wisdom from amazing men and women of faith. It’s a true gift and I’m trying to figure out how to not be overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of the information I’m taking in and attempting to process. I left this weekend at the lake where we heard from John Richmond and his wife, Linda, feeling a little bit questioning. I couldn’t help but think, do I really get it, this faith thing?

On one end, I know where I stand with the Lord. I know that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and I’m walking with him. But on the other end of the spectrum, I find myself wondering if I’m truly living out of that in my day to day life. Shouldn’t a life with Christ transform every part of how I live out my days? I can get caught up in routine, just mindlessly going from thing to the next thing and it feels so meaningless. In college I found myself in this place of sectioning out parts of my life - like ministry, going to class, being at home, whatever - all being separate parts of life and the way I loved God looked different in each one. 

I don’t want to live like that. My relationship with the Lord should flow out of everything I do. Every single thing. I don’t want to live in a false self, out of touch with who I really am and who the Lord truly created me to be. 

There’s a lot spinning around in my mind of how I can attempt to apply this:

• Being available, allowing God to interrupt my plans

• Simplifying the things that don’t matter, and learning how to say no well

• A mindset of eternity

• Stop waiting for things to happen at “the right time”

It's easy to listen to an older, wiser believer and doubt that I could ever reach a place that they are with the Lord. But ultimately, it’s not a measure in comparison of faith. I’m 23 years old, I’m not supposed to be wise - I have little to none figured out. My life is a process of sanctification, always moving deeper and farther in with the Lord. And as Jason pointed out in class today, the more you learn, the less you actually know. Questions lead to questions… it’s this beautiful, strange, frustrating, edifying process of walking with Christ that will take a lifetime and is supposed to.

Dust to dust. 

- morgan

the valley

Recently the question of “what places call your heart?” was posed to me during one of our spiritual formation classes with Mary. Almost immediately I thought of two of my favorite places in the whole world: Windy Gap and Crooked Creek Ranch. Two Younglife camps that I have spent so much time at, whether through weekend wrangling or summer staff, or being a camper there myself. 

Two of my favorite places in the world, both of which happen to be found in the valley. The places where I feel peace, contentment, and the deepest joy. And yet the contrast of the valley and that they’re the ‘low places’.

The valley is always for some reason connected to sorrow, to darkness, bleakness. But it’s so much more than that. There is magic in the mountaintops, for sure, but the abundance is found in the valley; it’s where life grows, where rivers, and the living water itself, runs. These places of the ordinary and the everyday are the places where God dwells and where we grow. 

Why do I dread the valley? Why do I try to run from it, out of it?

Growth always is in the places we think we don’t want to go, where we don’t want to be. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Windy Gap and Crooked Creek are in the valley. That I can see the majesty of the mountains from these low places, but can still see the abundance and beauty that is all around me, right where I am. No need to get to a better, higher spot- to do more in order to see it. 

I was inspired by Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts (one of my favorites, pls read it) for Lent this year: to write down each and every small and little and seemingly insignificant gift that the Lord has given me each day. I’ve done it before, and each time I’m left with a better perspective and appreciation for the life i’ve been given- this time being no different. I never saw the valley as a place I wanted to be until recently. She writes in her book “We don’t need to change what we see, but how we see it”. And how much different, how much better, have just these two weeks been changing the way I see where I am.

Abundance and life and growth is in the valley. Contentment is in the valley. Help me to remember, Lord, that the valley is not a bad place to be. That you are there in it, making all things new.

- Jen

monthly music recommendations: secret language by the shivers, high by miley cyrus, polarbear! by strawberry milk cult, red by jaguar sun, freeze by wakey!wakey!, if the sun stops shining by damien jurado, someday by glorietta

Plagiarism

Hello friends! I want to start this blog off with a quote from my friends Mago Santiago and Miss Teri Bowie, “The Lord made today especially for you,” February has been a month of highs and lows yet through it all, Christ has been faithful. The Spirit has slowly but surely been teaching me how to hold life’s painful moments and life’s joyful moments simultaneously. My friend Jen “The Spotify Queen” Kunin told us that for Lent, she is journaling “Daily Gratitudes” where she writes down things, people, events, etc. which she is thankful for. Naturally, I stole this idea because Jen is smart as heck and it’s never a bad idea to plagiarize her. Being close to two weeks in, this practice has been incredible. God, in his infinite glory, goodness, and intimacy, gives his children so much beauty each and every day, and this little act of jotting things down has opened my heart’s eyes to his brilliance in ways I never anticipated. 

In honor of God’s gifts, here is just a tiny snapshot into the ways in which God has given me reminders of how Good he is

This one is twofold: First, working at NeighborHealth Center has been an experience which God has taught me so much about playing a small role in his plan to restore creation to his glory. Two, it was Ian Lang’s birthday and I had to hike the pants up in honor of his drip.

Speaking of drip, look at this bunch. Thank you God for my friends!

Pete Daniel, what a guy. Genuine, kind, and funny, time with Pete is the epitome of refreshing!

Beanie Boys. Thankful for time with the fellas and the small memories which I seem to remember the most.

Daniel Boulton. This kid is passionate, fun, and intellectual. Beyond thankful for time with him!

The Deal at Church of the Apostles. Incredibly thankful for this church community and the leaders here who reflect Jesus so well.

Thankful for our Queen Maddie who is as good at making people feel special as she is at cooking (very good)

Birthday shenanigan’s. Thankful for being celebrated so well!

This Picture is actually from August but Ry Ry sent me some pics from his wedding and my heart was filled. thankful for friends in different places, this man Smiley, getting to do life with him, and each memory he and I have together.

Thankful for the power of the internet and that I can make a podcast with the boys back home hehe.

That is all. Thanks for tuning in!

- Tommy

Taxi Driver (1976)

I had a plan to put some more critical thoughts out into the world for this blog, but feel now I should share something more personal in the interest of vulnerability (don’t fret, I’ll link the original idea at the end if that interests you more). Here’s what I wrote in our spiritual formation class just last Monday.

“I’ve always been my harshest critic. I’m so hard on myself. Half the time I’m not sure what I bring to a group or individual relationship. Why does anyone choose to hang out with me? Truthfully they don’t. I often feel like I have to ask. Rarely am I the one being pursued for a deeper relationship. I’m not the one that girls secretly have a crush on that and spend more time with because of it. That’s never been here. And I’m not just talking about here in Raleigh. Even in Clemson very few of my Christian friends pursued me. I always had to be the initiator and would be crushed if someone declined. With the constant fear of rejection and folks not liking me, putting myself out there was constantly a struggle. I would stare at my phone for half an hour building up the courage to send a text to see if anyone wanted to grab dinner. How foolish was I being?! Who gives a sh*t what those people think of me? Either they want to spend time with me or they don’t, and I can’t quite change that. At a certain point, I have to stop caring and take those relationships into my own hands. I must accept who I am in Christ and take the initiative to reach out to others. The more I choose Christ daily, the more I want to choose others rather than waiting to be chosen. As I spend less time with God, I become selfish, jealous, self-deprecating, and isolating. Spending time with God reminds me of the great joy that comes from the company of another, and pushes me to want that with others. I pray that God continues to tell me daily who I am in Him so that those truths overshadow my false ideas and projections of myself that so often bring me down. I pray that those around me continue pushing me towards the Lord and that I may see them as He does, and not projections of them that my selfish mind makes up to torment me. I know these people love me and care about me, and I just have to trust that like I trust that Jesus loves and cares about me.”

Trust me, this was not a sad thing to write. I felt so much freedom and joy reflecting on my past, false self and seeing how God is continuing to mold me into my true self. Part of this writing inspiration comes from taking on writing at least one train of thought, no matter the size or sophistication, down in my journal each day (similar to what Reverend Toller does in the movie I refer to so often, First Reformed) for Lent. I am reminded of his words midway through that film, “I’ve removed the previous pages. They were written in a delirium. But I am determined to continue. It’s hard to struggle against torpor. I must set pen to paper.” While I haven’t torn things out of my journal, it has been good for me to write out my thoughts and feeling and go back to them and see if they were “written in a delirium” or if I should take them seriously and ponder them more.

Well, that’s enough from me. God is good, life is good, etc., etc. Feel free to read my other thoughts from this month if you feel so inclined.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1I2hZDem7WKi7uIawQjhxME3zA0jbSGx1/view?usp=sharing

Cheers!

Cam

P.S. The reason I picked Taxi Driver for this month’s post is because Travis Bickle felt lonely and so did I, but there are more positive ways to deal with that feeling!

February

Have you ever heard of breath prayers? If you haven’t, they’re basically little one-sentence blessings, cries for help, reminders, etc. I just love them and think they’re pretty revealing, so here’s some of mine from this month:

Silence does not mean absence.

Would I listen on Your behalf.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Despite myself, You are keeping me.

Joy is vulnerable!

Teach me your way, Lord.

Give me the words to say.

Would I be honest and grateful.

My life is not my own.

Questions and Quotes —

• Is it easier to cause pain or to feel pain?

• “First, one can so emphasize a universal, metaphysical principle to which one is committed that one fails to understand the particulars of what one is analyzing. Second, one can become so preoccupied with the particulars that one fails to see the significance of the more general context.” — Carl R. Trueman, The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self

• What’s the point of relationships? Why do we so desperately need them?

• “Vulnerability without boundaries isn’t real vulnerability.” — Brene Brown

• Who do you look up to? Why?

• “The means through which God guides us and shapes us is most often through his company and presence rather than through regulations or something like that.” — my friend William Leaton

— Brooke

Contagion (2011)

Apparently my blog didn’t save or got deleted by some ne’er-do-well, so here goes round two.

I know I’m not the first person to mention the Great Fellows Quarantine of January 2021, but it was too significant not to write about. To tell you the truth, it wasn’t that difficult of a time for me. Yes, I got bored. Yes, I wanted to see some folks. The only reprieve from solitude in the house was going to get a COVID test and eating fast food in the parking lot by myself while listening to podcasts (and playing COD with the boys, of course).

But it wasn’t awful! After giving myself a few days to live out a life of limited responsibilities, I tried to take to heart something we learned about at our mid-year retreat: having a Rule of Life. Now, mine is rather rudimentary at the moment since I’ve just started trying to implement it, but the little that I’ve tried has been incredible. A Rule of Life touches so many different parts of life, not just the spiritual part. The simple act of making a commitment to get up in the morning and read and have time to myself had a profound impact on the last few weeks, and I look forward to digging deeper and adding on to it. I’d encourage you to look into it as well!

Here is an article that helped me think about it more after the retreat: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/skip-resolutions-make-rule-life/

Also, do yourself a favor and go watch Derek Delgaudio’s In & Of Itself on Hulu. Don’t look up anything about it or read the description, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Also, shout out to the Tennessee Basketball team for beating Kansas by 19 on Saturday.

Cheers!

Cam

If You Could See Yourself the Way that I Do...

I’ve heard it said that what the enemy can’t destroy they will distort. In January 2021, I learned that in the five years of my walking with Christ I’ve been living with a distorted view of myself. 

Big oof.

Early on, I adopted Paul’s chief-of-sinners/valuing-others-above-myself identity as a way to avoid becoming arrogant and recognizing my brokenness and need for Christ. This is all good and true, but I think overtime my perceived brokenness was exacerbated. Whatever I did well in the eyes of the Lord I quickly passed over. Instead, I focused on what I could’ve done better or what with what I was still struggling. This subsequently eroded my self-perceived value as an image bearer of God to just seeing myself as my thorns. But hey, at least I didn’t become arrogant!  

With my brokenness as the focal point, it was easy to get into the clean-myself-up-before-coming-to-the-Lord mindset. I leaned into my discipline and grit as a way to improve myself and get my act together. For years, I heard the Good News, grace, and how I was never going to be able to save myself, but these messages apparently fell on deaf ears. I kept persuading myself that I had to raise myself out of the brokenness. In those sermons, I may have understood in my head that Christ died because He loved me, but it never seemed to permeate into my heart that I was presently loved. I think I convinced myself that God didn’t really love me but the person He wanted me to become. 

The past few months I was getting to a better image of myself, but this month Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning and Henri Nouwen sealed the deal and gave me language to understand what the enemy had done to my self-perception. I’ll leave you to look at my list of quotes and lyrics below for all of that goodness. There’s no way I can express those truths better than them. But question that really stood out to me was asking what does it mean to you that the Lord not only loves you but actually likes you? That changed everything for me. 

I don’t really know how to explain it now, but everything I’ve been hearing for years just clicks now. The Gospel resonates in my heart now in ways that it never has before. I am first and foremost a beloved son to the Lord Almighty. When I sit with the Father in my brokenness, He deals gently with me and just delights in the fact that I’m with Him, not focusing on all the ways I’m flawed. Because of this, I’m learning that if the Lord still likes me in my shortcomings, I should probably like myself too. I am holding my brokenness in a much better light these days, extending more grace towards my mistakes, and growing confidence in the strengths He gave me.  I am still far from perfect and always will be, and I’m learning to be okay with that. I’ll still work to make space and settings for God to shape my heart into His likeness, but I can rest better knowing that the weight of that transformation falls on Him, not me. And, just as importantly, in His timing and not my own. 

For the love,

Austin

You already know: my list of quotes and lyrics for the month:

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection… As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … My dark side says, “I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.”

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

-        Henri Nouwen 

But I hear You say
"Child, stop listening to yourself so much
I have made you more than worthy of My love
You are fearfully and wonderfully made
And that's enough"
If you could see yourself the way that I do
You'd see I made you in My image and My work's not through
Oh, we'll dance on his disappointment
In a world made new

-17 by Chris Renzema

What if I saw me, the way that You see me?
What if I believed it was true?
What if I traded, this shame and self-hatred?
For a chance at believing You

-Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb 

For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. I have tried hard to follow the guidelines of the spiritual life—pray always, work for others, read the Scriptures—and to avoid the many temptations to dissipate myself. I have failed many times but always tried again, even when I was close to despair.

Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. The question is not “How am I to find God?” but “How am I to let myself be found by him?” The question is not “How am I to know God?” but “How am I to let myself be known by God?” And, finally, the question is not “How am I to love God?” but “How am I to let myself be loved by God?” God is looking into the distance for me, trying to find me, and longing to bring me home.

-        Henri Nouwen

Live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness. Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone...
Scripture suggests that the essence of the divine nature is compassion and that the heart of God is defined by tenderness.

-        Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning

To feel safe is to stop living in my head and sink down into my heart and feel liked and accepted … not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation … staying in the present moment and not escaping into the past or projecting into the future, alert and attentive to the now …feeling relaxed and not nervous or jittery … no need to impress or dazzle others or draw attention to myself. … Unself-conscious, a new way of being with myself, a new way of being in the world … calm, unafraid, no anxiety about what’s going to happen next …loved and valued… just being together as an end in itself.

-        Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning

THE SUPPORTER

“The Supporter”; the superhero name I have finally deemed worthy to be attached to my name.

Earlier this month all of the fellows headed up to good ole Lake Gaston for a retreat with Bill! Bill is a legend that I desired to meet and to say the least, he did not disappoint. His structure, wisdom, and assurance of God’s perfect will for our lives soaked throughout the week as we dug into personal skills, opportunities, and dreams. I often struggle with remaining focused in a state of solitude, but this week was different. I found a sense of peace and depth as I spent hours alone digging into my soul and trying to discover the will of the Lord we all so desperately seek. It was a beautiful time and I left with a nugget.

The Lord met me in my questioning and my pursuit of my future. He gave me a clear, defining term for a role where I succeed, feel affirmed, and can do his best work; The Supporter. The role of the supporter is a mediator between the Leader and the people. My heart is full of grace and compassion for the people, while I am suited to help in the decisions and challenges a leader may face. In this role I feel affirmed and ultimately function among the gifts the Lord has given me. I have found that I can be a very motivational man. One who can pull together a team and pursue a common goal. Empowering the people while advising the leader is a role I hope to continue to fulfill in my future career and life.

Another theme I juggled around on this retreat was longing. My heart longs. Im sure a lot of other people’s hearts longs as well but I feel it deep within my soul. A longing to become a man the Lord is proud of, a compassionate leader who impacts those around him, and a virtuous friend who pursues the hearts of those he encounters. Longing is a theme that I don’t see fading anytime soon. I believe the Lord implants longings into the hearts of those who love him in order to give them a hope and a future. Desire, passion, opportunity, three things given and purposefully placed by the Lord to impact the lives of those who serve him.

Im sooo sooo excited to look back on my life and see where the Lord brought me. To see my desires and dreams fulfilled, and hey If you want to discuss desires and longings I know a few coffee shops in the area. See you there!

• G Dawg

January

I often find myself thinking about mystery — what it is, maybe more importantly what it’s not, it’s role in our lives and faith, etc.. I’ve decided that if I ever became an author one day, this is what my first book would be about. We handle it so poorly, often dismissing it as an enemy, an overcomeable obstacle, or evidence of a lack of intelligence. I’ve also seen mystery used as a blanket statement in order to avoid attainable complexities, mental effort, and/or to shut down opponents. We’re pretty averse to it, it seems. 

In stark contrast to our reactions however, the Bible actually befriends and necessitates mystery. From Genesis to Revelation, the plot is infused with it. Perhaps the greatest example of this is the person of Jesus. We could spend years studying any one of his peculiar characteristics, but this month especially I’ve seen the mystery of his gentleness illuminated. 

In Matthew 11:25-30, the only passage in the New Testament where Jesus describes his heart, he describes Himself as “gentle and lowly”. This is astounding for several reasons. Think of all the things God incarnate could’ve possibly said about himself! Instead he chose these two. Think also of his rightful disdain for and lament over sin! Yet he remains patient with us. Finally, think of how we must hurt and grieve him! Still, he’s gentle and even compassionate towards us.

Contemplating, and experiencing God’s gentleness this month has done several beautiful things in me. First, conviction. Gentleness both reflects and requires care, and being a talkative personality that’s quick to listen and quick to think, it makes me cringe thinking of all the times I’ve been careless, impatient, or harsh with my words. Yet Hebrews 5:2 reminds me that God still deals gently with me when I’m both wayward (intentionally sinful) and ignorant (unintentionally sinful)! Wild.

Second, it’s quieted me. While I’m certain that absolutely no one in my life would say that I’ve quieted down in the slightest, Jesus’ gentleness has ushered in a quiet stillness in me internally. When the love of your life of decades gives you that look only you know, wouldn’t that just quiet you? That look reflects such intimacy, trust, and security  — the kind that could only come from a covenant kind of love. This is what I’m talking about when I say He’s quieting me. His gentleness comes from a place of ultimate security — nothing I do could ever make him leave me. It’s shown me glimpses of the peace promised to us in John 14:27.

Thirdly and finally, Jesus’ gentleness has opened me up more to the fullness of following Him. I’ve felt quite literally filled to the brim with emotions so many times this month, which really goes against my default emotional state. It’s second nature for me to hold my own and be the “Oh Brooke? She’s good.” kind of girl. But man the Lord has just pierced right through my insufficient self-sufficiency with his meekness, giving me the permission to feel and want and be. It’s beautiful. Maybe it’ll even make me more gentle like him.

Questions and Quotes —

• “You cannot help with a burden unless you come close to a burdened people.” — Tim Keller

• What are you afraid to want or dream about?

• “There are two fundamental stones on which we must stand: there is still sin in me, and God is abundant in mercy.” — Paul David Tripp

• “If you are part of Christ’s own body, your sins evoke his deepest heart, his compassion and pity. He ‘takes part with you’ — that is, he’s on your side. He sides with you against your sin, not against you because of your sin.” — Dane Ortlund, Gentle and Lowly

• If the opportunity presented itself, what’s a job that you would drop everything right now to do?

• “What’s rule number one?” “Party.” — The Peanut Butter Falcon

— Brooke

Joodbye January

Recently I have been sitting in the fear that one day I will wake up and realize my life has become boring.  That life has become all too predictable and nothing challenges me or makes my heart beat a little bit faster.  I have always longed for newness and often find myself easily dissatisfied with the predictable rhythms of life. As I have spent more time sitting in this fear, I have begun to see the parallels in my relationship with the Lord.   That in the ordinariness of life, pursing the Lord feels boring.  I genuinely feel sad even writing those words.  Spending time with God is only “exciting” when I need Him or am overwhelmed with gratitude for all that He has done in my life.   The mundane and the ordinary are unfulfilling.  This leads to me to the question of what do I deem fulfilling and why isn’t my relationship with the Lord satisfying this desire? 

My hope and prayer is that I would approach my faith like that of a child.  One that never grows weary or bored, rather one that is energized and constantly in awe of the Father.  One that doesn’t grow frustrated with the slowness with which the Lord moves, but is grateful that He moves.   To approach God with reverence and deep appreciation and acknowledgement of the cross. To have an unyielding curiosity for the Lord and for that curiosity to fuel my desires.

My life never has and never will be boring in the Lord’s eyes and I pray that I would begin to seek Him in my desires and desire Him in my seeking.

On an unrelated note, Maddie notified me that New Years resolutions are so 2020 and that its all about the February resolutions. So here are my February goals:

• Run a 10k

• Read one whole book (I promise this a lofty goal for me)

• Spend a day in the NC mountains

• Beat Jeb in a game of monopoly deal

-Sara

A Gentle Breeze

Y’all f with colors? Like the color wheel and primary colors and secondary colors and such? Y’all get down to that stuff? I have a feeling you do. I’ve realized despite not having a robust vocabulary to describe such things nor the artistic background or understanding to consider myself a savant of beauty, I find myself getting lost in the color around me. 

But what about my life? Do I appreciate the colors of emotion, pain, joy, life, breath, and so much more in the same way I appreciate a piercingly golden sunset painting the sky? This question plagued me for much of 2020. I was in a season where the beauty which is always inseparable from this world felt wildly difficult to perceive. It almost felt as if there was a chance it was not there. Recently however, I think the colors have felt alive again. As if a colorful summer breeze drifted into the recesses of my heart. Warm and gentle, it felt as if my eyes were lifted from the ground in front of my feet to the sky dancing with orange and pink as the Sun delighted in using his rays to create a masterpiece. 

“Without your wound where would your power be? …. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” Thorton Wilder, The Angel That Troubled The Water. These words were one color in that breeze. Possibly the first time in my entire life that I could look at the deep hurt within me and see it not as darkness, but as a colorful canvas which the Spirit was turning into a gorgeous and gentle masterpiece. The depth of this life suddenly felt too magnificent to miss. The joys and the sorrows, fully alive, fully in tune, fully colorful. 

“ ‘What needs could I have,’ she said, ‘now that I have all? I am full now, not empty. I am in Love Himself, not lonely. Strong, not weak. You shall be the same. Come and see. We shall have no need for one another now: we can begin to love truly.’ ”  - C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce.

To be in Love Himself. To be in relationship with our omnipotent Father God. To be held by Jesus who walks with us daily. To feel the Spirit dancing and singing and beating inside my chest. The Colors of a life and life to the full. Depth returning to life in every moment possible. Colors unmatched by the most beautiful landscapes this world has to offer. Love more intimate than the touch between mother and her newborn child. More vibrant and full than the belly laughter of those I love. A love so gentle it feels as if it were a soft summer breeze, dancing through the green excited for my embrace. To be in Love. To be with him. To see the dazzling display of Colors my God uses in each and every moment in my life.

- Tommy

Discovering our Longings

Earlier this month we met with the incredible Bill Fullilove for a virtual professional development retreat. During this retreat we discussed the theology of work and professional tips to discover our calling and career choice. We learned the Bible gives us everything we need for faith and vocation, but it doesn’t give us everything we may want. Our primary “call” in life is not work/ vocation, but rather Christ Himself. Work is not a result of sin. God created work to be good and perfect, however, it was tampered by the fall/ sin. There is a difference between “biblical” work and “worldly/ modern” work. Biblical work is described as living to serve others with creative energy. Modern work is described as working to make money in order to live.

One of the workshops that we did to help us find our vocation was listing out our gifts, desires, and opportunities. The hope for the exercise was that when determining a potential career, we would come back to the list and if it checks all three boxes, then that is a great sign! During the exercise, I had no problem drafting a list of gifts and opportunities. To me, these were concrete and easily identifiable. I knew I was right and safe writing down my known gifts and opportunities. However, when it came to desires, I really struggled to come up with a list. It was almost as if, I was afraid to write them down. The desires I did write down were very vague and non-specific. I realized I was afraid of letting myself desire things. I was afraid God didn’t actually want me to dream, and develop longings for things. While unpacking this, I realized that because I didn’t let myself desire or dream, I didn’t get excited about things in the future and therefore I was lacking essential motivation for life.

When I got back from the retreat, I started diving into the word of God, hoping to find out what He has to say about us and desire. For all I knew, I falsely believed that if I desire something other than God, it was borderline idolatry. What I didn’t know was that our lives are one continuous movement into the direction of our deepest longings. The deepest, most wonderful things of this life were never intended to fully satisfy us, but to point us toward God.

“For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling.” 2nd Corinthians 5:1-2

As I continued to unpack and wrestle with this beautiful concept of longing, I stumbled across this blessing from John O’Donohue’s ‘To Bless the Space Between Us’:

Blessed be the longing that brought you here and quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire, that disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May the forms of your belonging- in love, creativity, and friendship- Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the ones you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

Today I pray that we all will have the courage to listen to the voice of desire!

-Maddie Dreffer

The Backwards Quarantine

Here I am, the last day of January writing this blog. It has been quite a month. The best way I can think to describe it is to go in reverse. For those of you that have seen Seinfeld, I plan for this blog to be like the episode “The Betrayal,” often referred to as the backwards episode.

2 days earlier…

Friday night we went over to the Hargett House to celebrate the birthdays of Adelaide, Richie, and Dalton. Leading up to that night, I did not know what to expect. I was honestly just happy to see people after the weeks before and what those had held. The Fellow guys stayed for a while and the party was an interesting but fun time. There were a lot of vibes happening at once. My favorite part of the night was the car ride back with all of the guys yelling about who knows what.

2 days earlier…

Wednesday was the first night I had seen other people besides Gentry and Sara in 10 days. It was weird and I was definitely overwhelmed at first. But the human contact was great to experience again. The weeks before contained way too much Xbox and solely digital contact. And while extroverted, I could not take it much longer.

5 days earlier…

At this point I was halfway through. It had been tough but luckily many people helped me a get to that point whether through getting fast food for me, making really good spicy chicken (also really spicy), or just facetiming. I am so thankful for not having symptoms but also all the help and people around me.

5 days earlier…

Sara had joined the positive category. Thus far I had survived. We were playing Xbox when all of a sudden I got a message that my results were ready from earlier that day. I looked on my phone to view them and saw the word “Detected” in red. Oof.

3 days earlier…

We had all been anxiously waiting Gentry’s test result from Thursday. He had sat out roundtable and class because he was not feeling well and was told of someone he had come in contact with at the wedding in MISSI-freaking-SSIPPI. He finally got his positive result and that is when we were no longer “Untouchable.”

2 days earlier…

On Wednesdays with Turas, we go into our common workplace. It is the only day we work in person and not online for the interns. Gentry and I had been told about all the new potential clients we would be dealing with as the year was starting off. Turas was doing well and wanted us to help do recruiting for some of the new clients. Gentry and I decided we would find a room with a table and work together for the day. We stayed in that room together and even had Sara join us for lunch. Thinking nothing of it, Gentry later told us he was not feeling good.

3 days earlier…

Gentry returned to Raleigh after going to a wedding in MISSI-freaking-SSIPPI.

Isaiah 41:10

-Trey

Unoriginal Thoughts

So far this year I’ve been privileged to be exposed to a lot of cool thoughts. From mentors, to church members, to other fellows, to teachers, to authors, the list goes on. I’ve gotten to learn, be challenged, transformed, and exposed to better ways of thinking than my own. So for this blog I’m going to steal a really good thought from an author and hope it encourages/challenges you as much as it did me this month. 

“O God of tender mercies, I know I’ve kept you at arm’s length. I’ve kept you safe in heaven. But heaven has leaned down to the earth and I’ve been touched anew. Like thirsty ground I long for you. Forgive my casualties about your Love. Forgive my shallow life. I am finished with shallowness. I used to pray that I be saved from eternal death, but now I pray to be saved from shallow living. Eternal Death? Shallow living? Is there a difference? O God, deliver me from shallow living!” -A Tree Full of Angels by Macrina Wiederkehr. 

-Jeb

january xx

What is true?

What is eternal?

I wrote these questions in my journal earlier this week and they’ve stayed on my mind since. Bill Fullilove asked us a lot of good questions on our mid year retreat about our values and things that we want in our lives long term.  One of the values I listed was simplicity. I think this is something I’ve been processing for a while especially in terms of following Jesus and how we are called to look different from the world. Our culture screams more and nothing is ever enough. 

When I think of what I fear most in the future, it would be getting so caught up in this cycle of thinking…  I want a good job, and eventually a family, then to be able to provide for them and a beautiful house to have friends over, to travel… the list could go on and on. Once I get one, I’ll want the next. What will ultimately satisfy me? I know the answer. And something I think a lot of us are realizing is that what we desire isn’t wrong, in fact God wants us to take those desires to him and dream. 

But the line is fine. And I want to walk it well. I want to simplify the things that don’t matter in the light of spending eternity with Jesus Christ.

- morgan

Dreaming with God

Well… it finally happened. We got COVID. Correction: somehow only three of us got it and they are now all better (praise God) but we all spent two weeks in strict quarantine in our houses. So, January has been a slow month. It was a challenging month in its own way. In the stillness, my restlessness became glaringly obvious. A part of me resists the quiet – it can be scary.

In the quiet, my fears, longings, and deep desires begin to tug at me. Over and over again in the Fellows program, we’ve been told to pay attention to our dreams. What gives you joy? What keeps you up at night? What can’t you give up or lay aside? Most of the time, I think I regard my desires with caution or fear – if indeed I regard them at all. I’m afraid to want something too badly, because I’ve always operated under the unbiblical notion that if I want something badly enough, God will purposefully withhold it from me.

[Which brings up another pressing question I need to attend to: why is it that I view God as a God who withholds more than one who gives abundantly, when the Bible continually makes clear that the latter is true?]

A recent example of this theme coming up: in Edward’s first New Testament class, he asked us, “Do you find it difficult to name and admit desires you have to God?” My answer is a resounding YEP. It is also difficult to name and admit desires I have to other people, and even to myself. Because if I speak them aloud, then they’re real. They’re out there for others to judge and see. Say these desires never come to fruition, what then? I don’t want to be judged by my unrealized dreams. It feels risky to dream in front of others. In short: admitting desires requires vulnerability and a release of control. Oof.  

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom talking to her about a desire of mine that’s been weighing on me for a while now and debating whether I should take a step towards doing something about it. Her advice?

“What are you waiting for, Sarah? Allow yourself to dream.”

And that is one of main reasons why moms deserve a grammy award. But really, what am I waiting for? And how about you, what are you waiting for? It will never be “a convenient time” or “easy” to start stepping towards our hearts’ desires. And it’s risky; there are no guarantees that we’ll get what we seek. But maybe, in the process of seeking, God will point us to deeper, fuller desires that He wants to satisfy. God cares about our desires; He created desire after all. And the more we pursue God, the more our desires tap into His heart and the people He created us to be. In Sacred Rhythms, Ruth Haley Barton calls desire “the beginning of the spiritual journey.”

We suppress our longings to our peril. Desires demand to be heard and they will operate and drive us whether or not we are aware of them. If I dare to dream in God’s presence, I pray and believe that my dreams will drive me towards God instead of away from Him, as they do when I repress them. As Ruth Haley Barton reminds us, “Their power only gets stronger the longer we repress them. How much safer is it for ourselves and everyone around us if we open up our desires in Jesus’ presence and allow him to help us sift through them.”

Today I am leaning into Psalm 145: 16: “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” God’s hands are not clenched but open. He is ready to hold your bold dreams and mine.

-Sarah

hallelujahs are all around

Junior year of college I had a canvas above my bed with the words “hallelujahs are all around” written on it- a line from one of my favorite Penny and Sparrow songs. So much of my life though has been spent living out of the following line, “but the roof is caving in”. 

I choose too often to see the brokenness, the mess, all the times that the roof has caved in instead of the hallelujahs that are all around me. I choose to see the world through clouded, distorted eyes of bitterness more than I would care to admit. It’s the recurring theme of my life. 

But I want to see that all is not lost.

I want to see the light in the cracks. I want to see the love that is all around me. I want to see abundance where I see bleakness.

……….

This summer when I was interviewing with St. Davids, I was asked by my now boss about what I admire in older mentors of mine. I had listed some things, and when I finished he told me about marigolds. He prefaced the story with the fact that he wasn’t a gardener, so he wasn’t sure how true any of this was, but the sentiment had stuck with him regardless. 

When other plants are planted and rooted near marigolds, he told me, there is more growth than there would otherwise be. They flourish. The marigolds increase resilience in the plants around them and protect the soil.

And so I can’t help but be especially grateful for these friends of mine, and this whole program. They are marigolds; people that speak life, that call out the good, that help me grow. People I am undeserving of. 

I am grateful for the way they help me see the hand of the Lord through everything, and that His hallelujahs are all around and abounding. Even when, and especially when, I feel the roof is caving in. 

What a gift it is- to be in this place at this time, to have each other. 

monthly music recommendations: leaning on you by HAIM, go on by harolddd, redemption by nathaniel rateliff, all the other lovers by field guide, effy stonem by nick mono, sunday soda by french cassettes

—Jen

Live to hunt, Hunt to live

So there we were…

The beginning of every great hunting story if you are unaware begins with, “so there we were”. It sets the seen for the adventure that you are about to hear, and lets you know you are about to be drawn into the story.

So there we were… James Edward Bowie has long sense had a desire to bag a whitetail deer in his life. Fortunately, being friends with Gentry Williamson has opened a few doors for this possibility to happen. Gentry, being the mediocre planner that he is, has taken many years to fulfill this dream in James. December 27th, 2020 was the day.

We began the journey rolling through the hills of sweet Mount Airy, across the VA border, and into the back country of Claudville, VA. This 25 minute drive is a beautiful depiction of “getting away”. Away from responsibilities, tasks, or any other clutter that could be in your life. The countryside is free and alive and what a wonderful experience it is to get away.

Gentry had done his homework before hand and so upon arrival he knew where to take his friend James. He wanted to give his friend the best chance at success and so they began their evening in the Condo stand. The condo is basically a massive tree house overlooking a field of crops. The crops are grown throughout the year with the sole purpose of attracting, and maintaining the health of the deer heard on our property. This year the Condo field had been planted with beets, radishes, and turnips. What you might not know is after the first couple frosts, these underground vegetables acquire a sweet taste that make them almost irresistible to the deer in the area. Walking down the trail to the stand James and Gentry were quickly aware of the aroma coming from the crops which added a level of excitement to their journey.

The Condo was hot. Baking in the sun all day James quickly had to shed some layers as they entered the stand for the evening. Besides the annoyance of a couple horse flies who had made their home in the house, the stand is a pretty comfortable spot to spend an evening in. The friends wanted to make the most of their time in the woods and so they each began to read Abba’s Child as a way to make the time go by faster. Pretty soon it was 5 pm.

The first and last 30 minutes of each day are prime feeding times for the east coast whitetail populations, and so the friends set aside their books and began to pay closer attention as the sun began to set behind the hardwoods. They were quickly surprised to see a young doe make her way into the field. They watched as she ate her weight in the delicious turnips, but were disappointed in the size of the young animal and so decided that she would not be harvested. The sun continued to set and Gentry, being the guide, was starting to get a little worried they were going to run out of sunlight. Much to his surprise he watched as a young, healthy 8-pointer walked right out of the woods to his right. Unfortunately James was unable to see the buck as he was positioned for the best shot down the left side of the field. This caused a little dilemma as Gentry watched the buck just slowly feeding in the right corner, still completely out of sight of James Edward. Gentry finally hatched a plan and began whispering to James the needed steps in order for this hunt to be successful. James began the slow transition sliding off his chair, maneuvering to the left side of the stand, spinning around, and standing back up all without being seen or heard. Gentry’s heart was racing the whole time as one large clunk from his boots would have made the young buck scurry off into the woods. The transition was complete, gun in hand, and James was ready to take the shot. After taking a little time to get settled, waiting for the buck to give him the best possible shot, and allowing Gentry to get his video camera ready, James Edward Bowie dropped his first whitetail. Emotions erupted inside of the friends hearts as this was an exciting day for the both of them.

Being a hunter for most of his life, Gentry loves having the opportunity to share one of his passions with a close friend. The thrill, adventure, and solitude of being in the woods has always been one of his favorite activities, but nothing compares to the joy of being able to pass it on to others, watch their excitement, and help cultivate a successful hunt in their life. #BANG BANG

lets talk about our feelings <333

I’m pretty anti-New Year’s Resolutions. (If you know me, you may have just rolled your eyes or let out a sigh… I label myself as “anti” many prescriptive traditions.) More than anything else, I fear New Year’s Resolutions, when placed in the hands of inveterate scorekeepers, can yield the opposite results I intended: what began as an expression of hopeful growth and healthy change turns into one more voice in my head telling me I’m not enough and good for nothing when I inevitably fall short.  

As our speaker for our Faith and Work/ Vocation retreat Bill Fullilove said yesterday, avoid the gym in January because that’s when all the eager New Year’s Resolution-ers will be there. By February, they’ll have burned out until January 1st of the next year and it will be safe to go again.

All that being said… I do think the change of seasons and years and events is a good time to reflect and ask what are the things I want to keep, and what are those I want to leave behind. (Growth is good, just not the self-flagellation that often accompanies an expectant growth that doesn’t come to fruition the way we hoped). Speaking of self-flagellation, that is one of the things I’m hoping to kick in the a$$ in 2021. Several people this past year have gently told me they have noticed an unhealthy tendency in me to berate myself for being a deep feeler or “too emotional.” I have noticed this tendency perhaps more than anyone. I’m painfully self-aware, which is both a gift and a burden.

I have a complex relationship with my somewhat intense emotionality. On the one hand, I like it about myself, because it makes me compassionate and empathetic, and it makes me better at things I enjoy doing, like writing. But there is a dark underside that threatens to overshadow the light: my emotionality means I can be taken down more easily and plunged into sadness, which in turn can make me feel isolated from others as I recognize that my depth of emotion seems unusual when I compare myself to my peers, which in turn makes me view myself as different, uniquely broken, and weak, which in turn leads me to withdraw in shame and feel even more isolated. It’s not always so extreme, but nevertheless, it’s a nasty cycle.

I can tend to focus on the dark side rather than the light, and also begin to label emotions as “bad.” I demonize my sensitivity, and wage war with my emotions. In this ungodly war, the stakes are high, the winners are nowhere to be found, and the outcome is always the same: disdain for myself. A mentor recently told me, “Your emotions are not your enemies but your superpower. You notice things other people don’t – nuances. You see things. That’s the gift and burden of creatives… I want you to learn to trust and love your sensitivity.”

…woah. That’s a definitive jolt away from my previous mindset. If I could stop viewing my emotions as threats to be repressed, shoved down, or even viciously attacked, I could see that they are actually a gift, and maybe even a “superpower.” With great joy comes great sorrow. I refuse to apologize for my yearning to experience life to its fullest, and every emotion that entails.

Reading our latest fellows book, Abba’s Child, I was both struck and comforted by Brennan Manning’s following description of Jesus: “To ignore, repress, or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life. Jesus listened. In John’s gospel, we are told that Jesus was moved with the deepest emotions (11:33)… The gospel portrait of the beloved child of Abba is that of a man exquisitely attuned to His emotions and uninhibited in expressing them. The Son of man did not scorn or reject feelings as fickle and unreliable. They were sensitive emotional antennae to which He listened carefully and through which He perceived the will of His Father for congruent speech and action.”

Wow. Jesus felt more deeply and profoundly than any man before or since. He was relentlessly attentive to the needs and feelings of others, tender, and compassionate. While feelings should not rule my decisions and life, they are gifts from the Father and I want to regard them with respect and gentleness. With God’s help, I hope for inner peace where there with strife. It will be a lifelong struggle (with this particular issue and many others) and certainly not a box to check in 2021, but it’s one I want to entrust to God’s much more capable hands. 

-Sarah