I recently saw something on Instagram that has stuck with me not just because I found it funny, but it also resonated to a degree.
“If your life was a movie on Letterboxd would your reviews consist of witty one-liners or thought-out expositions?”
The top comment, which read “A witty one-liner with zero likes”, I found quite comedic.
And then I thought, what would my answer be.
For starters, I realized this question was bifurcated to a degree even though most Letterboxd reviews fall into these two categories. I often default to witty one-liner on the rare occasion I watch a movie. But I’m not sure what people would think of my life. I only know what I think of it, which leads naturally into my latest existential crisis.
Lately we’ve been taking some assessments for our career, calling, & vocation retreat and one of the assessments had me recount my biggest accomplishments in life and then rate my feelings about them.
I struggled hard with this one in two facets.
First, I thought to myself what have I actually accomplished. See, we had to answer this question four times and frankly after the first one I was lost for an answer.
Secondly, when rating my feelings on these accomplishments of mine, I had very strong feelings. The categories were very clearly what motivated my accomplishment or very clearly not. I had to answer probably twenty to thirty of these feelings questions per accomplishment, and across all of them, I could only select a ten out of ten a total of six times.
Safe to say I had a lot of nines and zeros.
I think back on all I’ve done in this life and frankly not much stands out, so good thing I have so much more life to live.
Maybe it’s the enneagram 4 in me that notices what’s missing rather than what’s present. I often think of the things I want but don’t yet have or how things can be better.
Something I’ve been trying to practice since our Nicaragua trip and spiritual formation class is presence. I’ve done a poor job the last few days as we’ve been snowed in (or more aptly sleeted in), but since class I’ve been recounting a consolation and desolation from every day just like we did in Nicaragua.
Some highlights (consolations) of January include being affirmed after reading my eulogy, my friend Abigail’s genuine interest and joy in asking me about the trip, my leading of roundtable being coined a success, a resounding Arsenal win against a cocky Inter Milan, and lighthearted conversations with coworkers.
My desolations (which were harder to conjure) included parts of those assessments, the brokenness sin brings into peoples’ lives, and a dramatic Arsenal loss to my least favorite club.
I’ve been reading this book Theo of Golden lately and I haven’t underlined much given it’s a novel. But there was something Theo said which I underlined that I think coins my January well. “…sit still long enough to see what is already there.”
Thank you, Jesus, for opportunities like that this past weekend with the sleet and likely again this coming weekend with the snow. I look forward to sipping on the coffee I recently got that’s sweet like clementines and blackberries or the one I got for Christmas that is still very bright like watermelon bubblegum.
Jacob W. Currin
