Joe's blog pt 8

Hello world its Joe

As I reflect on the past nine months, I am filled with deep gratitude. The Fellows program has surrounded me with love, encouragement, and growth. In my first blog post, I mentioned a few key people who have profoundly shaped my experience: Bruce Berger (mentor), Andy Cook (work), the Bokowys and the Whiteds (host families), and Ja’khari (Neighbor to Neighbor).

Bruce met with me every Wednesday morning at Sola or Beows. He consistently sought to know and care for me in any way he could. His wisdom and steady presence have been a gift.

Andy gave me the opportunity to work at Edward Jones as an on-call Branch Office Administrator. I’m incredibly thankful for this experience and know it will benefit me in meaningful ways down the road.

The Bokowys and Whiteds have been my rocks. No matter what my day looked like, I could always count on their consistency and kindness. I’ll truly miss our dinners and the conversations we shared around the table.

Ja’khari, the student I tutored at Neighbor to Neighbor, has been a joy to work with. He’s a hardworking kid who’s grown in his math skills and confidence. He especially loves Math Bingo and food! I’m excited to continue working with him next year.

And then there’s the Fellows + Ashley. You’ve made this experience what it is. I don’t think I fully realized how much I appreciate each of you until these final few weeks. Even now, I feel like I struggle to express just how much you mean to me. You’ve loved and accepted me just as I am. You’ve moved toward me, not away from me and that means more than I can say.

I’m so grateful to be staying in Raleigh and living with some of the guys. In this brief reflection, I hope it’s clear how much I appreciate and love the people who have walked with me through this season. Through all the highs and lows of these nine months, you’ve each been a steady presence in my life.

I wish every 24-year-old could experience what I’ve found in the Fellows. The Lord has been so kind in bringing me to Raleigh and into this community.

My Last Blog Post

Hello for the last time ever. That’s just a sad sentence to type. During our orientation retreat, Ashley mentioned that we were required to write blogs every month. She also said they were to be due by the first of every month. Happy May 5th everyone. My immediate response to the blog requirement was to devise a plan to get out of it. The blogs have since turned into a creative outlet that has brought me a lot of joy, so it feels quite bitter-sweet writing one for the last time. Well, the last time unless I try to log on next year and write one undercover.

May 1st, 2025. I’ll remember this day for a long time. A good day for many reasons, but the finale was its most special trait. As I’ve mentioned before – dangerously close to too many times – my dear friend Barrett is an incredibly talented musician, and he’s been on tour with the equally talented Evan Honer. My biased take is that Mr. Honer is not quite as talented as Barrett, but for literature’s sake and in the spirit of inclusivity, we’ll say they’re equals. They played a show in Raleigh on Thursday night, so I dang near forced as many fellows as I could to join me at the Lincoln Theatre to watch them. Thankfully a few of them agreed to go with me, so after the Neighbor to Neighbor end of year party we made our way to the Barrett concert.

This was enough to make my day. To watch one of my closest friends with a handful of my new really awesome friends was all I could ask for (Evy, Lola, Emma, Celeste, and Jenna being the handful of awesome friends in question). We arrived at the venue to Barrett yelling my name from the side of the building that the line of people couldn’t see. With him were some more of my friends from Boone, Owen and Lee, who support Barrett instrumentally. We exchanged hugs and hellos in aggressively southern accents. To catch up with them was a gift that I felt like I didn’t deserve. To call them my friends is a gift that I feel like I don’t deserve. 

Hard transition.

I’m sitting on the floor of “my” bedroom at the Young’s house trying to figure out how to write the next part of this blog in the most artistic way, but I just don’t know how to go about it. It’s 11:39 PM and my brain is fried for a few reasons that I would love to write about if I had another blog post at my disposal. Bottom line, people just kept on showing up. The pastor of the church I attended in Boone, my old boss who doubles as Barrett’s dad, Barrett’s fiancé, my old college life leader, and so many more that I’m not gonna mention because then this blog would just turn into a list. For the ones that I did mention, their names are Vern, Chris, Grace, and Michael. I’ll let you decide what name goes with what title. 

We entered Lincoln Theatre which is when I saw my friend Luke running Barrett’s merch stand. Luke’s a Dallas fellow who also helps manage Barrett’s career (at least that’s the way I’m choosing to describe his relationship to Barrett’s music endeavors). I gave him a hug, talked with more people that I didn’t know would be at the concert, and went to join my friend’s who had claimed a spot while I was catching up with Luke. There was a sign that said “don’t stand on the ramp”, so we decided to stand on the ramp. I’m actually not going to talk about the show. Barrett and Co. was electric. He was only the opener but it felt like everyone was there to see him. Evan Honer eventually took the stage and did his thing. Okay I talked about it a little bit but that’s all I’m going to say. Songfully accepting Evan’s invitation, Barrett rejoined the stage, this time alongside Evan Honer, and sang a few lines of “Jersey Giant”, his final verse giving us the signal that it was time to leave.

Honestly, everything up to this point was just context that was hopefully meaningful. 

On our way out, I snuck a final hug from my former pastor, whose name is either Vern, Chris, Grace, or Michael, whichever one you chose in the fourth paragraph. My deepest emotions of the night were felt when I left the embrace of this hug. Typically I would say something like “blah blah blah I don’t quite know how to articulate my feelings blah blah blah” and then conclude the blog, but this time I’m actually gonna give it a shot.

Potentially stupid analogy pending.

I think that our lives within relationships are kind of like cargo pants (probably Carhartt pants because they’re pretty cool). Cargo pants have a lot of pockets, and similarly to cargo pants, we accumulate different pockets of friendships throughout our lives. I have my “fellows friends”, my “camp friends”, my “college friends”... so on and so forth. I’m obviously guilty of putting my friends into these categories, and most of the time I walk around in my cargo pants, keeping my hands in whatever pocket is the most accessible to them. The pockets on the pants are sewn together, so they rarely get to intervene with each other, but every now and again we get to empty our pockets, and all of our labeled, pocketed friends are free to be with each other. As I said, stupid analogy. All of that to say, I really love it when I get to empty my pockets. There is no greater joy to experience than when all of my friends are with each other in the same place experiencing the same thing. It really completes an itch for me. So, when I left the hug with my former pastor, what I really left was the feeling of togetherness. I never wanted to leave that hug. Leaving that hug meant that my friends would be separated again, and separation is not in God’s design. Not in the slightest.

All of this friend talk leads me to the most meaningful part of the night. It actually happened before my final hug, while Barrett was on stage performing. I took a look around at my friends, and when I looked at Lola she was crying. I would typically feel bad for bringing attention to another’s tears, but if you read the blogs, you’ll know that Lola keeps statistics, one of them being the amount of times she’s cried over the past month. Anywho, if there’s one thing I know about Lola, it’s that she has an acute sense for things that are special. I don’t know what it was that drove Lola to tears, but to see her react in such a way to Barrett performing ties the perfect bow to my feeling about my friends being with each other. People that I love, who don’t know each other, being in the same room for the first time, enjoying each other’s presence and getting a glimpse of the joy it is to know them. That is in God’s design. More than just slightly.

My song recommendation is “Pick a Place and Read” by Ezra Bell.

Maybe I butchered this post, maybe I didn’t. I typed a lot of words and I hope it all made sense. It’s 12:44 AM. Once again, happy May 5th everyone, and happy final blog post day (four days after actual final blog post day).

Love, Bailey

Hello Blog for the Last time -Jenna

Writing a blog post is just one of the things I am doing for the last time as a fellow in these few weeks. I’d like to say I’m prepared for fellows to end, but I am not. I know I won’t know what to miss until I don’t have it anymore, but for now, please enjoy some of my favorite things about my favorite people!

Emma: It started as bonding over our hair, but you make me feel so seen

AG: You put in the work, and I admire your endurance in life

Celeste: Everything about your laugh, all the different ones

Ryan: How your brain works, truly amazed how different you think from me, but I need that sometimes

Joe: Your SMILE! truly light up a room

Tessa: Your desire to seek mercy and walk humbly with the lord

Lola: Our shared passions for babies and hugs, I feel like we would have been good friends in pre-k

Evy: You make being silly a whole new experience and I thank you

Elijah: Your craving for more, whether it’s knowledge or the lord

Skip: your perspective on life is nothing short of EPIC (i also feel so honored when I make you laugh)

Bryan: Your ability to remember the small things

Bailey: worshipping with you

Josh: the way you get so passionate about things you believe in and the people that you love

I love you all dearly, thanks for challenging me and encouraging me this year

I recommend BEING A RALEIGH FELLOW- jenna

I Suppose Everything Comes to an End :(

Would it really be a final blog if at least a few of us didn’t post late? I’m sure you could figure out my answer to that question if you simply look at the day I am posting…oops. As we wind down to the last 15 days of Fellows, it means I am officially down to 17 days left in Raleigh. And boy oh boy are we packing in every possible thing. And yet, as I find myself scheduling hangs and “lasts” down to the hour every day, I also have found myself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that Raleigh is full of so many people and places that I can hardly squeeze in seeing them all one last time. 

Now of course the burning question you all have for us Fellows as we get ready to leave: What are you going to take away from this year? And, was it worth it? Now, while the second question comes with an easy answer from me (yea, obviously, 1000x yes), the first question is a massive one that I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer well for months if not years after being here. That being said, I can tell you something I have thought about as I have tried to answer that question on the fly. The reality is, I think we tend to gravitate towards people most similar to us in general. That being said, had I been tasked with hand-picking 13 other recent college grads to be my closest friends for the year, I likely wouldn’t have picked every one of the Fellows. Now slow down and lock in before you take that as an insult. I wouldn’t have hand-picked all 13 of the Fellows, because I probably would’ve picked 13 people who were most similar to me, who wouldn’t challenge my comfortable perspectives or push me outside my comfort zone. Hear me say PRAISE GOD I wasn’t in charge of picking the Fellows, because boy He clearly knew what He was doing. The natural outcome I have seen from a group with such a range of personalities and experiences is that it has forced my “grey” to expand. By that I mean the grey area that exists behind every opinion and argument. I have just learned that, even more than before, things are always less black and white than I think, and what peace that brings with it. 

Now just for a second I need to say how truly sad I am to leave. I’m not leaving due to a lack of opportunity, community, or a sense of home, and yet I find myself leaving. I can’t quite explain it, but I am grieving a different kind of goodbye than most of the other Fellows as we close the year. I am saying goodbye to a job with a mission I believe in, a city I’ve grown to know and love, a church that has begun to feel like home, a couple who have become like parents to me, a director who has loved and encouraged me and unexpectedly become a friend, 7 guys who have been community in a way I’ve never had with Christian men, and 6 women who have been a sisterhood I never knew I needed and who push me to be better every single day. I am forgetting many things in that list, but I hope you just know that I love you guys and I will miss you so immensely. 

all my love, truly,

Emma <3

Rallows Month 8

I still can’t believe it’s the last month of fellows. This just may be the best decision I’ve ever made. Thank God for these nine months and these fourteen people.

Raleigh Fellows, you have been to me what Joe is to tenderness, what Skip is to flip flops in new places, what Celeste is to making things right, what Bailey is to meaningful song lyrics, what Emma is to tastefully carrying on with the bit, what Jenna is to warmth and hugs, what Bryan is to filling up everyone’s water bottles, what Josh is to putting a smile on your face, what Tessa is to wit and character, what Ryan is to curiosity, what Elijah is to zeal, what AG is to comfort, what Lola is to babies and puppies, and what Ashley is to loving us so well.

Evy :)

I love you guys.

Ryan reminds you of first blog

Okay, last blog. It would be nice to remind everyone of their first blogs and how much you’ve came in this experience:

Bryan: “Our first week was the welcome retreat. While it was a recent experience, it feels like forever ago! I had a great time getting to know all of the other fellows, and an even greater time on the jet skis.”

This is still true. Everything feels close but far. Ive seen you grow immensely and I’m proud of you. We’re lucky to have a Bryan in our group.

Skip: “For now, I’m viewing this as the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Rather than trying to categorize or predict what the rest of this experience will look like, I’m just going to leave it undefined.”

Thank you for being a wonderful light to our group. You have been a defining part of my experience here.

Emma: “Of course, there are always more things to be thankful for, many of which I might not see until later in the year, but for now I am content to rest in the blessings of the answered prayers found here in Raleigh.”

I am thankful for you Emma! You have such a bright personality, you’re steady and so thoughtful. I know you have been apart of our answered prayer here in Raleigh. Come back soon.

Celeste: “But the truth is, in those very moments where it feels hard and icky and messy, God is ever so present and drawing near to me, and actively using those moments to prune me and refine me and create deeper trust and intimacy with him. What a terribly beautiful concept!!”

You remind me of goofy goober rock. You’re nuts in the best way! God is drawing near to you right now. The beautiful thing is that you have everyone to help you go through whatever is next. Fellows aint the fellows without celeste.

Lola: “a list of some sweet moments: meals around Ashley’s table getting to hear about everyones week, my new job looking out for me and helping me settle in, Mona teaching me and Evy to cook, birthday picnics, piling into cars together, sitting as people bravely and honestly share their stories (if I may be as bold as to pick a very favorite part so far this is it), praying together, sitting on a boat and being in my favorite lake, exploring new places, little moments with my friends who remind me what it is to be known as I build that here too, going to class (eep I missed being a student and being excited to learn)”

I appreciate you Lola because you have the ability to see the good in everything. You remind us of what we’ve done and take in the moment so well. Remember all the things about this year that were special.

Evy: You didn’t give a lot of quotable things in your first blog mate…

But, I do want to say that you’re such a dope person. I admire your strength and honesty, your humor and how well you care for the people around you. I know we’re gonna have a good laugh when we hang out. Excited for you to be in Raleigh!

Tessa: Oh boy, let’s see what she wrote. “A good, humbling hard, but it makes me feel weak nonetheless. It’s massively inconvenient and at times frustrated. But we must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God.”

One big thing to highlight about you Tessa is that you are always looking for a way to follow John 3:30. Life for you isn’t about being self seeking. You give a lot of your time away, thank you.

Elijah: “On one hand I’m blessed beyond measure and expectant for the future. On the other, I’m finding it difficult to feel at home and settle in to the program.”

I don’t know really how to explain my admiration for you Elijah but I am blessed you were here this year. I appreciate our conversations, your hospitality, and maybe at times you might say, putting up with me. Thank you for being my work buddy this year, it’ll be sad to leave that:( You have grown so much this year, and I don’t know many people willing to grow and strive for it like you do.

Joe: “This past month has been the beginning of a new season of life and it has been a blast becoming a Raleigh fellow. I have experienced a wide range of emotions over the recent weeks.”

Although this statement may be true today, it doesn’t come without the patient endurance that only Christ can provide. Your are doing a great job. There is nothing more sweet than brothers carrying each other’s burdens. You are a wonderful soul Joe. Thank you for showing us a tender heart.

Jenna: “She loves hard and shows grace and mercy so evidently.”

I know you were saying this of Ashley, which is true, but it describes you as well. You’re nut # 2 along with Celeste and it so awesome. Keep being Jenna. Thank you for being so hospitable, I’m lucky to have a friend in you.

AG: “Hope you enjoy these snapshots into the life of Raleigh Fellows!”

In a way you’re the Gen Z version of a historian for the Fellows. Thank you for documenting us these past 9 months! We’re blessed to have you pushing us along and keeping us organized. You have some kitty fits too bruh!

Bailey: “I recently went to Tookie’s with a small group of my friends.”

This describes everything about who you are. It sounds like the start to a great book. I have a lot of emotions around my friendship with Bailey, good ones for that matter. He was a tricky one to start off with (meaning I didn’t understand him), but shortly became a highlight for me to see him daily. It just clicks man.

Josh: “After a stressful summer working for the corporate machine back in Virginia…”

This is hilarious. Josh you’re such a hard worker and the Lord has blessed you with your attitude about life. What I mean is that there is a lot of bad to focus on and I think your experience in those areas of grief has given you the ability to be strong and know the truth. You have life, and life to the fullest! Keep catchin’ ‘em fish ol’ boy.

I didn’t check for spelling, don’t care. (I went back and edited it because it wasn’t even readable). Muah

Fellows blog 8: So long everyone, its been great

Thank you Jesus for all you have given me these past 9 months. Thank you for the friends, the community, the church, the personal growth, and the encounters with you. Thank you also for the anxieties, aimlessness, hardships, challenges, and all manor of struggles. Through them all you have been there

You have belly laughed beside me hanging out at docksology late into the night with friends. You have wept at my bedside on the days where I was in too much pain to do anything else but lay down. You have been a father to me, a friend, a brother, a shepherd , a wonderful counselor, and a mighty God. I’ve seen you face in my friends who encourage me, the leaders that point me in the right direction, and my host family that takes care of me. I’ve seen you face in the children of los brasiles in Nicaragua, those suffering in nursing homes on pastoral care visits, and friends grieving as life continued to happen so fast outside of fellows

Psalm 139:8-12 NIV

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Leaving fellows feels like a blur. Where will I live? Where will I work? How will I survive in life on my own? But you have told us not to concern ourselves with worries of the world. To seek first your kingdom and your righteousness and all things will be added to us. While there’s lots I could reflect on, I think its best to stop and worship. Lord I’m sorry for not giving you the praise you deserved as I got swept up in the worries of life. For not treasuring the gifts of each day before they were gone. Forgive me, and give me your eyes to see myself and my situation as you do. I’m hoping as I enter this next season for God to not dwell on all that is different than what I expected. I may not have thought I would have stayed in raleigh, and may not have thought I would get the job that I did. But God knew, and he has big plans. Thank you for being with me the past 9 months, and thank you for going before me for the next.

-Elijah

Literally I don’t even know what to call this- happy last blog I guess

I wrote a different blog yesterday but this morning I’ve decided it’s not what I want to use to reflect on this season. So here's to take two. 

I like to make a big deal out of endings. I always do. Somehow that’s the only way I know how to make sense of it.  I tend to spend every moment saying “guys this is our last …..” desperate to raise the emotional intensity of every second to somehow match the strength of the emotions spinning within me. Even when I know  it drives the people around me crazy. I can’t help it. If I am one thing I am sentimental. Everyone around me knows it well. And that sentimentality makes it hard to sit down and write this because my expectations for ending well are SO high. 

I’ve been working myself into overwhelm so often this week. Often to the point where my brain gets stuck spinning. So deeply wanting to make something out of every little thing, to end “well” (according to my own crazy definition), and to do it all while showing up perfectly for everyone around me. However the reality is that I am tired (and beautifully finite), and I can not make that all come to pass. But as I sit at work and reflect, grounded by texts from my closest people telling me to breathe deeply, I am reminded that the beauty of this year has never and will never exist as a result of my effort. I am reminded that this season, in the most beautiful way, has surrounded and held me. That its meaning does not exist because I am able to articulate it perfectly. I am changed and I am the same. I am brave and I am afraid. 

This is the part where I want to write about the deep lessons I have learned and how I am perfect at resting in transition now. How I am so open handed and trusting. That I am not afraid anymore because I’ve had this big revelation. But the reality is that I’m still the girl who moves through the changing seasons kicking and screaming. However I am learning. Slowly. Very slowly. Like so much more slowly than I want to. 

The reality is that the value of fellows will not be in ending with a flourish. It is in all of the ways that this program has held me. It is in all the ways this community has held me. In all of the ways that both of those point me to my Savior who holds me more securely that I can ever comprehend. I wrote at the beginning of the year that all I was seeking from fellows was to know and be known, to love and be loved. And thanks be to God I can say that has happened here. I left Wheaton a year ago saying “He has been faithful to me here” and joyfully get to echo that refrain over Raleigh as well. My God has been faithful. 

So here's to being gentle with ourselves as once again in our twenties everything changes. To clinging with stubborn hope (even when I REALLY don’t want to) that the Lord can provide once again. That I have not yet used up his goodness. That he holds me as I struggle to hold all that I want to hold.

This year I have written 8 blog posts where I have tracked 24 different statistics. I have cried 116 times. I have been in Raleigh 243 days and a fellow 239 of them. We’ve been on 12 retreats. I have filled 234 pages of a notebook (not counting the probably more than that in my journal).  I’ve been shaped by 14 people I hold dear. And I’m grateful. 

This doesn’t really feel sufficient for a final blog post. It's not at all an adequate expression at all of how grateful I am and all the little ways I have been changed and all the people who poured into me and this program. But that's okay. Just trust me it's there anyways. 

Even here his hand will lead and hold me. 

All my love!

Lola

PS- Celeste I’m so in for alumni blogs ! everyone just start emailing me your monthly updates pls and thank you

Raleigh Rookie: Episode 8

Hello May!

April has been a special month for the Fellows. Wrapping up this season during Easter feels like a beautiful way to celebrate everything this year has meant to us. For most of the Fellows, our time has felt kind of like Lent. Every day has been a real intake of life.

Sometimes we’ve looked inward, learning more about how we operate and how God has uniquely created us to carry out His vision for love and light in the world. Other days we’ve looked back at our pasts, exploring how life has shaped us for better or worse, and how God has used it all to paint the portrait of our stories. And often (as young people love to do) we’ve looked ahead, dreaming about how we want to live our lives and the legacies we hope to leave behind. There has been so much space to listen and look with the Lord. Thank God for some perspective!

Now it is time to live in the peace, beauty, and joy available to us on the journey ahead. A couple of times this month, the Fellows and I had picnics in the park. Those moments reminded me of what is in store for us after this year. The experience of rest, of sharing food, of playing games, is the vision God has for our lives. The best word to describe that is delight. So let’s live in that vision.

The purest joy is just knowing the Creator. Knowing that He takes delight in us. What a beautiful way to send us off. Not so alone or uncertain, but with a deeper love and connection to the Creator.

-Skip

Have a great summer!

How do I say goodbye? :'')

Hi blog. 

I read back my September blog (and drafts of the September blog that were never published) and it seems September Celeste has better words for the closing of this season and the opening of another than May Celeste does. 

The rhythms and routines that have become so familiar and comforting to me will no longer be. The job I have, the people I live with, the classes I take, the places I volunteer, and the very car I drive (rip PJ, I miss you so) will all look different two weeks from now. I’ve never been one to quickly anticipate new beginnings with excitement, and often find myself feeling sentimental for what will never be again. But, September Celeste was in a similar spot, and I am teary reading what the Lord was teaching me then. 

Is it okay if I share some of those things?

“I have a nearly crippling fear of starting a new thing. It used to be the entire idea of new things, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve come to realize that it's not the new thing that’s scary, it's the start of it. The unknown beginning. The way everything I’ve been anticipating could culminate in either completely surpassing expectations and being everything I could’ve dreamed of and more (!!), or, it could be every worst fear I’ve ever fretted or worried about come to fruition. Spooky.

I was convinced that those things would be the worst case scenario because then life wouldn’t feel easy and silly goofy and fun, like I wanted it to. But the truth is, in those very moments where it feels hard and icky and messy, God is ever so present and drawing near to me, and actively using those moments to prune me and refine me and create deeper trust and intimacy with him. What a terribly beautiful concept!! 

(from a draft that was never published ooo insider scoop!) God’s nearness and redemption are the attributes I find the most beautiful and compelling about him. For all of my time in college, this is what I came back to and found so much comfort in. The fact that I worship a God who not only knows the hurt and brokenness in me, but cares and restores. He doesn’t bulldoze the pain away, or sweep it under the rug like it doesn’t exist. He never promised that a life of following Him would take the weight off of sin in the world, but he does promise to be near. To mourn with us. To walk alongside us. Not only that, He will also use the messiness to bring restoration and glory to His name. The story of Joseph in Genesis is, to me, a perfect picture of God redeeming brokenness. After being sold into slavery and basically left for dead by his brothers, Joseph is able to look his brothers in the face and tell them that the broken decision they made was the very decision that God turned and redeemed and used to save the kingdom from famine and point the kingdom to Himself. In a perfect world, Joseph would’ve never been sold into slavery. It just wouldn’t have happened. But we don’t live in a perfect world. 

Oh, how appealing comfort and ease can seem!! But if that is what I define as being “right” and “good,” I’ve completely missed out on the beauty of life with God.

I’m just so proud of September Celeste for believing in that. For embracing the new, and not letting the old and familiar pull her away from the present. That is my prayer as I step away from Fellows (or as it shoves me aside forcefully while I cling on as tight as I can, who’s to say?!). 

And to be so real, much of my life will stay the same! Raleigh has been good to me, so I plan to stay for a little longer. Maybe a lot longer, who knows? And even if I wasn’t staying in Raleigh, the people and experiences and memories would stay with me. These blogs will be Ebenezer stones for me, and I’m just so thankful.

Thank God He brought me to this place with these people at this specific time. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude.

See you later :’)

Celeste

(not to be cringe but queue “We Will Never Be This Young Again” by Ben Rector)

(also, idk if you remember but September Celeste was terrified of writing blogs for anyone to read, and now here we are 8 months of blogs later woohoo!) (is it wrong that I wish there were more? hear me out: fellows alum blog posts - LOLA I KNOW YOU’LL SUPPORT!!)

Fun Fellows Flicks

The last full month of Fellows is over. Yep, that’s really sad, and I’m just going to reminisce over the sweet memories from the last 8 months! I have been surrounded by some pretty incredible people who have impacted my life and have been very supportive through it all! I am so incredibly grateful to everyone who has been a part of making this program so special! Here are just a few of my favorite pictures from this year!

<3, AG

Fellows 4 Ever

I love them so much and am so thankful for the time that I have gotten to spend with each of them. These 14 people will always be close to my heart, and I am so proud of everything that we have learned, achieved, and done together. Heading into the last week of Fellows, I look back to the first week and 1. cringe at how awkward we were and 2. remember my excitement of knowing that in a few short months we would be such good friends!

6th Grade Lil Lambs

They are so silly, sassy, and fun! I have loved getting to lead these girls this year and see the Lord work through their lives. I am so thankful for Emily and Evy for being in it with me! Screaming goat out!

Little, Big, and GBig

Beth was my mentor this year and Meg was my buddy and Beth’s mentee last year! Ugh I love our little family that we have created! Beth has been such a consistent friend and giver of wise counsel. I love our walks and coffee dates to talk about life. You are the most affirming and caring person I know and I appreciate all the advice and prayers that you have showered me in! Meg is so sweet and kind! She always has a smile on her face and is so joyful whenever I see her (except for when basketball is on… she’s LOCKED IN)! I have loved our morning walks and getting to talk through life together. You have shown me how to live out trusting in the Lord and endurance as you have been fundraising! So proud of you girl!

CITY OF OAKS 😍

I lived in Raleigh 2 years ago for college and honestly left Raleigh swearing I would never go back… but the Lord is pretty funny about the places He calls me to! Great friends, fun adventures, and not being in college has been so good for me and my view of Raleigh!! Example above: we went to see THE NUT one night and it was so silly and amazing! Thanks to everyone who has changed my mind about Raleigh and made it my favorite (for now)!

“Frat Fellows”

This name was given to us at the TFI Conference by another fellows program and has now become our group chat name. Well its Fraternity Fellows because were not that crazy… but as the name suggests, we get pretty wild with banagrams at breweries on Monday nights, randomly breaking out into synchronized dances at parties, throwing funerals for cars, and having day time parties at the Miedma’s!

Baby Bells

Yeah this was my peak!

Birthday picnic celebrations

I felt so seen and known by people who I had only known for 3 weeks! Thanks to everyone for making my birthday so special this past year and creating spaces in other moments that are for lifting up and celebrating people!!

I'm very glad I was here, this was good:)

I’m not sure what I’ll be doing a month from today. Fellows will be over and so will the days of having every minute planned out by the incomparable Ashley Crutchfield.

I hope I get up early, get outside a bit, pray throughout, eat something good, listen to good music, talk to someone I love. I hope that’s the rhythm of all my days.

I like to stack more on my days, more pressure more expectations. I draw in extra check boxes after I’ve filled up all the ones that are printed in my planner. I’m tempted now to think of all the big and small and unsuspectingly heavy things I’ve learned this year and try to summarize them into this blog post.

But I’m tired of constantly sifting through clutter in my mind and convincing myself that if I solve one more thing, learn one more skill, perfect one more piece, that it will all make sense and the clutter will autonomously arrange itself into a beautiful picture that people will walk by in museums and think it’s so good that it must have been easy to make.

What I’m thinking about right now is this: do the next good thing.

My first weeks in Raleigh as I would sit crying in the Daniel’s spare room (lol so drama it’s fine guys keep it playful) God kept telling me to be here. To be here with Him, that He needs me here. I’ve started whispering that to myself throughout the day, “be here”. Don’t jump to the new job in June with the new co-workers and new housemates in a new house that we haven’t found yet. Or to what and who will fill my summer afternoons. And if I will realize that Raleigh is not for me as soon as I stop being bottle fed the best that post-grad has to offer me.

I want to be excellent at what’s in front of me. To take the next step, then the next after that.

Life is chaotic and disorienting and overwhelming. A year ago today I was positive I knew what the next year would look like. A year later and I’m not sure what my Friday will look like. I like myself more. I love God more. My ability to love others for Him has grown. That is enough for me. To anyone reading this that played a part in the Fellows/ Apostles community this year, thank you.

Bye guys, be good:) Tessa

Stay - Jan Richardson

https://paintedprayerbook.com/2013/05/05/ascensioneaster-7-stay/

Bryan's April Blog

Howdy folks!

April has been one heck of a month full of retreats, activities, and all sorts of good times! Here’s a non-exhaustive list of what has happened throughout the month:

• John Richmond retreat

• Meeting Chief Justice Paul Newby

• watching The Matrix and eating dinner at Scott Steele’s house (our Worldview teacher)

• Jeff Bailey Retreat

• House tours

• Accepting a job

• Easter in Raleigh

• delivering Meals on Wheels with Celeste

• Tar Heel 10 Miler

• Trivia at Sneaky Penguin

• Birthday weekend for me and Celeste

As you can tell, this was an action packed month. Here are a few pictures from it all!

The Jeff Bailey retreat was an awesome one! He led us through some spiritual formation history and ideas in a way that I had not seen yet, and it was extremely helpful for me. One of the moments that has continued form this retreat for me is when Jeff led us through the Jesus prayer, which I have found myself continuing to pray all month long. Also, big congratulations to Jeff for his new appointment as a bishop in his diocese!

Emma, Bailey, Celeste, and Joe all ran the Tar Heel 10 Miler, and absolutely crushed it! Josh trained with them the whole time, even running 10 miles during one of the retreats, but he couldn’t be in town for the big race. These 5 showed true grit, so everybody give them a big congratulations next time you see them!

We took group pictures on Monday before our Spiritual Formation class. Hopefully somebody can find one where everyone’s eyes are open because I sure couldn’t. Also, big thanks to Mary Young for leading that class and letting us take pictures at her house!

Fellows has been absolutely incredible, and I am excited to continue being bought in 100% until the very last day. I am also excited to finish up and start a new job, begin living with a bunch of the guys, and continue growing in the community that the Lord has so graciously provided me through this program!

Tootles!

Bryan

March Fun Fellows Flicks

Hey Blog!!!

March has been packed with so many fun memories and has been the start of planning for the future. Here’s a short recap of this month! My parents came and we got to go shopping! Got sick with the Noravirus, YUCK! Danced the night away at the Carolina Cocktail with all the North and South Carolina Fellows programs! Went to a NCSU baseball game with Bryan, Jenna, and Lola! Went dancing downtown with friends! Had a sweet morning walk with Kassie! Did my 360 Review with Ashley! Started touring houses for next year! Applied and interviewed for a job! Had prayer partner time with: Evy, Jenna, Meg, Lola, Elijah, and Tessa! Cut 14 inches off my hair! Visited the UNC Study Center! Went on a Silent Retreat and didn’t talk for about 24 hours!

Something else that I did was give up social media for Lent to focus on my identity as a beautiful daughter of the King and how to be rooted in that instead of comparing myself to others. So I haven’t posted on Instagram in a while but that doesn’t me I don’t have pictures to share with y’all! The shared album has 2,912 pictures and videos!

<3, AG

Meet Ryan sometimes known as XAZZ (Chaz)

Ryan is funny, wise, and passionate! He also is not at all who I thought he would be! Each time I spend time with him, it feels like I find out something new (a place he’s been, the meaning behind a tattoo, a song from a genre I’ve never heard of, a skill that I didn’t know of, or the new iPhone update that no one else has)! So are you excited, or do you just get to be friends with Ryan?

MILBF (Mom I’d Like to Be Friends with)

Ashley is the best Fellows director ever! Sorry I said it BUTTT it’s true! She cares for each one of us as if we are her own child, she pours so much into the program, she gives the best hugs, she asks the best questions (what’s your deepest sin), she isn’t afraid to throw you off a jet ski, she does back flips off the dock, she shares so much wisdom, she makes the BEST popcorn, she stands up for others, and best of all… she wants to be your friend! I love you Ashley!! Thanks for being YOU!

Marching On

Hey guys,

March was very eventful.

The genogram paper was due, and I learned a lot about both my immediate and extended family. It also led to some really impactful conversations, which I’m grateful for. I’m glad I had the opportunity to deep dive into it.

BYX Alumni weekend at Virginia Tech was awesome. I got to see the founding fathers again—such great dudes—including my good friend Drew, who is a Knoxville Fellow! I got to hit my top-secret Blacksburg fishing spot with my friend Kyle, and we had an electric evening of fishing. I’m taking the location to the grave, so don’t even ask :)

Bryan and I explored Lake Wheeler for the afternoon (by “explored,” I mean we didn’t catch anything) and then hung out with Coburn and Melissa Murray at their place on the lake. Coburn and Melissa have some of the most unique and powerful perspectives of anyone I know. In this season of discernment—figuring out who I want to be and why—our conversation gave me a lot to pray about during the Silent Retreat. One of my favorite parts of Fellows is getting to meet such incredible people who are a step ahead of me in life.

I had been really looking forward to Silent Retreat, and it did not disappoint. St. Francis Springs is a big property with lots of woods, so I ran off during our time of silence and had some great time with God. He always speaks in such a calming way—even when He’s serving me a healthy portion of humble pie. 24 hours of intentional silence was so helpful. My brain is a crazy place, so a prolonged period of silence helped me settle down and be more attentive to the Holy Spirit.

Stats:

-My women’s bracket is in the 96.1 percentile

-My 4runner’s odometer reads 4.18% slower than it’s actually going.

-3 wonderful trips to G’s tacos

-1 incredibly cheesy blog title

Until next time,

Josh

Lake Wheeler

I feel like march just started

Hello everyone, I have decided to take lent seriously this year.

In the past i’ve used it as an excuse to make myself just a little bit better instead of challenging myself to grow more christ like. So if anyone has ever met me or has heard me you might know I laugh really loud, drop a cuss word (or a lot), talk until the sun comes up, or just get so excited about everything and everything. My number one motto is its cool to care, I would tell my middle school kids in wyldlife that all the time, and I still believe it. BUT anyways I have decided to get up cussing for lent and man let me tell you its been so difficult. I will be honest I love it and think its so fun. I quickly realized in late January and Early February I cuss a lot.

My main “goal” of this lent season has been to just try and stop cussing, but I have found more clarity and so much more richness than I could have ever imagined. On the Ash Wednesday service before we got our ashes we were prayed over by someone from the church and were given a word, phrase or something. Mine was safety, security, and beloved. What? like duh those are great words but they carry so much dept. That was the beginning of my realization of what slowing down and thinking can really do to my attitude. The lord has been so gracious to slow down with me and be in the process as I am learning to just stop and take a breath because my words carry weight. And its such a beautiful thing that they do. So thank you Jesus for paving the way, I cant wait to celebrate the rest of the season trying to slow down.

Still got a long way to know but self awareness is my first step :)

Good Memories from March:

All the fellows went to Charlotte for the Carolina Cocktail and man I danced my heart out!!!! I love dancing so much.

Some of the fellows are running the 10 miler so an errand they had to do was o to fleet feet and buy new shoes. Who knew we would have spent 2 hours in there having the mostest fun with the sales clerk and learning about his crazy amazing life.

I went to Boone and celerated my friends birthday and went to my college church, I miss that place but I am so lucky to multiple church families!! ugh so blessed

I was at neighbor to neighbor very consistanly this month which I have been very thankful for. I love Jaelynn my girl, she is learning so much its so amazing to see how smart she is and I get the oppotunity to love and encourage her!

Me and Evy went on one singular run, the next week we were both on ashleys couch with ice packs in various places, this had nothing to do with running but I found it so funny.

Josh and I had pp time and he agreed to go to a random church yard sale I found on facebook in cary, I found the best decor there. One thing about me is I am going to by any old wooden framed wall art with a bible verse or liturgy on it. I like feeling the second hand prayer of them that radiate off them. I also bought two crockpots… YAY!

Recommendations:

• playing in a creek

• catching anything that crawls (as long as it doesnt fly or sting)

• flip flops (we back baby)

• steak

• micron pens

• hugs, what a blessing we get the opportunity to love others by putting out hearts near one another

• Old Navy

• Getting your windshield fixed for cheap by a sketchy place

• church yard sales

• watkins grill and livermush

Music Recommendations:

• the Crowe Boys new EP “Bonfire in my Soul”

• think im in love with you -chris stapleton

• I am a man of constant sorrow - the soggy bottom boys

• Unrung by Turnpike Troubadours

• I can’t believe we never went out dancing - Sebastain Schub

• Good Lord Lorrie - Turnpike Troubadours

Love, Jenna

My Seventh Blog Post

Hello. I have writer’s block. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really experienced it. It’s hard to have writer’s block when you’re not required to write anything. Ain’t nothin’ to block if ya ain’t writin’ nothin’. My 5:20 pre-nap plan was to wait until tomorrow to write this, but then Ashely texted me and asked me to make a blog post tonight. I don’t know who she thinks she is asking me to post my blog by the due date. Just kidding Ashley, don't shoot please. Jokes aside, I’m what most people would consider “stuck”. I’ll do what I must. Little Obi Wan Kenobi quote for your back pocket in case that pocket of yours was feeling a little empty.

I don’t talk about the weather. If I had a twelve man lineup of dialogue topics, “the weather” would be on the bench. Past the bench. He only gets playing time when I’m in a conversation that has since stalled and the only way to keep the ball rolling is by saying “crazy weather today am I right” in a sarcastic tone. But let’s talk about the weather, shall we? Specifically the pollen. Pollengeddon. Everytime I stepped outside yesterday I was dry-rub-seasoned with pollen. It’s like I forgot to take off my yellow tinted sunglasses. Not the fun kind that Elton John would wear, just the lame pollen kind. Elton John wouldn’t wear those. The pollen has made me sad, however, something that has brought me a lot of joy over the past few weeks are the cherry blossom trees. They have become my favorite tree. Thank you for the blossoming plant life, pollen. You can leave now. 

I have never been conscious of cherry blossom trees. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’ve never seen one, but I have only noticed them as of March 2025. They’re quite beautiful. One in particular has especially stuck out to me. I was driving home the other day when I passed one in my neighborhood. The wind blessed me by sending cherry blossom petals floating past my truck. There was a mound of cherry blossom petals resting at the base of the tree, gently accenting the main beauty of the cherry blossom branches. I don’t really get emotional that often, but at that moment I did. That cherry blossom tree is perfect evidence of the Lord’s kindness in creation. There was beauty all around it, fleeting from it towards anyone with eyes to see. I understand the utility of trees, providing us with oxygen, quite literally life itself. But trees don’t have to be pretty. They could be ugly. They could look like pollen. But just as the Lord is kind enough to send rain that washes the pollen bullies away, He is kind enough to make His creation beautiful and abundant for us to enjoy. Maybe that’s elementary, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

…

“For God alone my soul waits in silence,

from Him comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

My fortress, I shall not be greatly shaken.”

This is Psalm 62:1-2. The Fellows participated in a silent retreat this weekend, led by my host mom Mary Young. Psalm 62 meant a lot to me over the course of the weekend. There was a coffee mug wall of sorts in the main lodge at St. Francis, and each Fellow picked out a mug. The mug I picked was pink, accompanied with roses painted on the outside and Psalm 62:1 inscribed on the inside. The next day – in a rather silly series of events – I was reminded of the verse, and decided to look up Psalm 62. That’s all I’ll share. The Lord kindly revealed his truth to me this past weekend, so I wanted to share these verses with you all. A big theme of the Lord’s kindness over the span of March.

My song recommendation is “Old Soul Song” by Bright Eyes.

“And just when I get so lonesome I can’t speak

I see some flowers on a hill side like a wall of new TV’s

Yeah they go wild”

Love, Bailey

Ryan's March Blog

Hey all,

My life has been great. The Boultons have been so sweet and I appreciate them a lot. It makes me sad that 1. I havnt’t gotten more time with them and 2. that I will have to leave. The good thing is that we will be at the same church. They’re dope.

For lent I have been paying everyday for a softened heart. It has led me to be more observant of my attitudes and others reactions to what I do. In saying these things, it has also led me to repentance of my hardened heart. I don’t think lent is anything other than looking at Jesus more and repentance. Lent is not a new years resolution 2.0. It’s not about YOU, it's about Jesus and only what he can do to transform your life to look more like his.

Okay great, my mom visited Raleigh. It was weird to have her here, but not because of her. I just am used to being with her in Maine. We went dress shopping for the wedding for her and it was fun! We also saw Jordan Peterson which is such a wholesome memory for us to look back on. Gracie was here as well, it was like getting the gang back together. Maine… I need it.

Then I went down to Charleston to see some of my best friends, and groomsmen, from Maine that moved there. I missed them dearly and appreciate how God has blessed me with loving and caring brothers.

We went on a silent retreat to St Francis Springs Prayer Center this past weekend. My takeaway was the bonding of my friendships with my fellows. We had such meaningful conversation, they continue to show up and care. I want to shoutout Bryan. Bryan is one of those guys that everyone wants to be around. Bryan is smart and observant, the more i’ve gotten to understand him, the more similar I think we are, well maybe not the everyone wants to be around him thing, but his intellect and thought process are familiar. Its noticed Bryan.

We toured some houses. Josh is hilarious. Josh, you’re seen man, and wanted, some could say… loved.

Spring!! Sprang!! Sprung!!

Spring has sprung!!! 

My favorite season!! Wildflowers and sunshine and warm weather all da time!! And how bittersweet this year, since that also means it’s the last season before Fellows comes to an end :,) BUT we aren’t there yet!!

Also, happy April Fools Day ahah! I did not pull any pranks this year (bummer) but it only feels appropriate to share what an epic prankster my mom used to be! My sisters and I shared rooms occasionally when we were younger, but some years we each had our own room. Once or twice during those years when we all were in separate rooms, I would go to sleep all snug in my bed on the evening of March 31st, and wake up INCREDIBLY disoriented and confused because on the morning of April 1st, I’d be in one of my sisters room all snug in HER bed!! Like can you imagine my confusion?? Fear perhaps?? How did I end up there? Yeah, my mom switched us while we were sleeping. Turns out I’m a heavy sleeper. Isn’t that hilarious?? Truly the older I get the more I appreciate how epic of a prank that was for my mom to do to us. Anyone who’s reading this and plans to have kids, take notes. 

That said, today is a Tuesday and we aren’t on a retreat together so I unfortunately couldn’t try to pull that prank on any of the Fellows (you guys lucked out this time…)

This month was both a compilation of some of the most random things we’ve done in Fellows (can y’all believe Carolina Cocktail was this month?? wack.) and my favorite month of work so far. I don’t think I’ve talked about work in my blog yet so it’s due for an update!

I work at Refugee Hope Partners this year. I remember before starting this program, I requested to work in a non-profit, and hopefully in some place where I could get some form of international experience, missions-esque maybe but not actually missions because I feel kinda weird about missions but I’m also kinda intrigued by them, and I was like oh also I drove a bus so if you want to do anything with that you can do something with that. I remember thinking I don’t know what the heck the Fellows committee will do with this information but hey I trust God to make something out of this chaotic request that I’m not even sure I understand. And out of an oddly-specific-yet-incredibly-vague request came the most oddly-specific-to-everything-I-asked-for job at a place where a local nonprofit is literally serving the nations daily as their sole goal. EPIC.

A lot of my job is a lot of learning. Each week the other admin intern and I get to meet with our supervisor and another person on staff and talk about different countries of the world where our families are coming from, learning the history of the country and the events that forced our familes to seek refuge elsewhere. I get to read books, watch movies, research on my own and create presentations for it, and get to hear the stories of the families I see every week. Truthfully, I didn’t know much about the refugee crisis before I started working here, and it is a privilege to learn about it in exactly the way I do this year. 

Refugee Hope Partners offers a variety of services to help families in Raleigh thrive, including after school homework help, adult ESL classes, volunteers who help bring families to all of their medical appointments, and programs to set students and families up with mentors or other families to do life together with. It’s truly been such a fun and welcoming environment to step into as a new intern in September. This month I’ve been involved with more programs than I’m typically invited into, and it’s been so dang fun!! I’m helping with more events, and I’m in our Early Learning Club more often as an extra hand and that’s probably what has made this month my favorite. Those little stinkers are full of giggles and schemes and I just adore them.

I also pick up some students in a van to take them to homework help after school. Recently, a new friend (2nd grade) joined my route, and her family just recently moved to the US. She speaks just about no English and was expectedly very shy and timid the first time we picked her up. I have another little buddy (also 2nd grade) on that route with me, who I’ve been picking up since September, and it has been her mission to befriend this new friend and put a smile on her face! We learned how to say “hello” in Dari, our friend's language, and my buddy, who only speaks Spanish and English, makes sure she always greets her in Dari. MELTS my heart to hear them playing in the back seat together!! My buddy has a million tricks up her sleeve that require no words, things like rock-paper-scissors, or clapping games she teaches our friend, and sometimes they’re even chattin it up back there like old friends! (I asked my buddy “what are you guys talking about back there?” “I don’t know!” She’s speaking in Spanish and her friend is speaking in Dari HA!) And it doesn’t even matter. It’s been, what, like three weeks since our new friend joined our route twice a week, and they now sprint out of the van holding hands and giggling as they race inside to homework help. 

So that’s been my brainspace recently. Just thinking about how beautiful this little friendship is. 

I hope you pranked your heart out today! Go, frolic in the streets! Breathe in the cloud of pollen covering Raleigh right now! Take your car to the new car wash behind the ABC store on Sandy Forks for a free car wash! And never, ever speak poorly of this warm sunny springtime weather!! 

See ya next month,

Celeste

corny writing on an epic day with God

I’m starting to think that God really likes me.

We were talking the other day on the silent retreat, and I’m fairly certain that He does. Like a lot.

I love to make things feel special - I get that from my mom. And so when I know friends are coming into town, someone’s birthday or a day trip is coming up, I want to sink my teeth into the details and make an itinerary that the other person or people will enjoy.

God and I have never spent a whole day together, just the two of us. And so I was a little nervous on Sunday thinking about what I should plan. What would He want to do with me?

I asked Him if He wanted to go on a walk and He said sure. But I got distracted because I found the library off of the dining room at St. Francis and it looked so cozy. I was curled up on a comfy leather couch, sipping coffee, reading through Every Moment Holy liturgy books and eavesdropping on these older ladies having brunch, when I remembered I told God we’d go on a walk. Before I could apologize to Him, He told me He didn’t mind. That He was also comfortable in this little corner, that He liked watching me experience His daughters tittering over their breakfast in the other room, and that He had thought of me when these liturgies were being written. He knew I needed to read the one entitled For Beginning an Artistic Work that morning.

We eventually went on a walk, but I didn’t have anything interesting to say. I passed Emma and she was clearly having some good conversation with Him as she walked the Stations of the Cross. I thought harder about what He would want to talk about. He told me He was content just to walk with me. It reminded me of when I would drive with my dad to volleyball practice - blabbering nonstop about nothing of importanace. He wouldn’t say much, so I would ask him if I was boring him. He would always say “I just like hearing you talk.”

God and I sat on the enclosed porch and drew, copied down some quotes in my journal that I didn’t want to forget, read a few chapters of a good book, and processed through some prolonged hurts in the outdoor chapel. He never rushed me, never zoned out, didn’t seem to mind my distractions and random ideas.

It was a great day, one of my favorites. And it was confirmation of something I’ve suspected but was scared to say confidently, He likes being with me.

“How glorious the splendor of a human heart that trusts that it is loved!” - Brennan Manning

- Tessa