I’m not sure what I’ll be doing a month from today. Fellows will be over and so will the days of having every minute planned out by the incomparable Ashley Crutchfield.
I hope I get up early, get outside a bit, pray throughout, eat something good, listen to good music, talk to someone I love. I hope that’s the rhythm of all my days.
I like to stack more on my days, more pressure more expectations. I draw in extra check boxes after I’ve filled up all the ones that are printed in my planner. I’m tempted now to think of all the big and small and unsuspectingly heavy things I’ve learned this year and try to summarize them into this blog post.
But I’m tired of constantly sifting through clutter in my mind and convincing myself that if I solve one more thing, learn one more skill, perfect one more piece, that it will all make sense and the clutter will autonomously arrange itself into a beautiful picture that people will walk by in museums and think it’s so good that it must have been easy to make.
What I’m thinking about right now is this: do the next good thing.
My first weeks in Raleigh as I would sit crying in the Daniel’s spare room (lol so drama it’s fine guys keep it playful) God kept telling me to be here. To be here with Him, that He needs me here. I’ve started whispering that to myself throughout the day, “be here”. Don’t jump to the new job in June with the new co-workers and new housemates in a new house that we haven’t found yet. Or to what and who will fill my summer afternoons. And if I will realize that Raleigh is not for me as soon as I stop being bottle fed the best that post-grad has to offer me.
I want to be excellent at what’s in front of me. To take the next step, then the next after that.
Life is chaotic and disorienting and overwhelming. A year ago today I was positive I knew what the next year would look like. A year later and I’m not sure what my Friday will look like. I like myself more. I love God more. My ability to love others for Him has grown. That is enough for me. To anyone reading this that played a part in the Fellows/ Apostles community this year, thank you.
Bye guys, be good:) Tessa
Stay - Jan Richardson
https://paintedprayerbook.com/2013/05/05/ascensioneaster-7-stay/