Hi blog.
I read back my September blog (and drafts of the September blog that were never published) and it seems September Celeste has better words for the closing of this season and the opening of another than May Celeste does.
The rhythms and routines that have become so familiar and comforting to me will no longer be. The job I have, the people I live with, the classes I take, the places I volunteer, and the very car I drive (rip PJ, I miss you so) will all look different two weeks from now. I’ve never been one to quickly anticipate new beginnings with excitement, and often find myself feeling sentimental for what will never be again. But, September Celeste was in a similar spot, and I am teary reading what the Lord was teaching me then.
Is it okay if I share some of those things?
“I have a nearly crippling fear of starting a new thing. It used to be the entire idea of new things, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve come to realize that it's not the new thing that’s scary, it's the start of it. The unknown beginning. The way everything I’ve been anticipating could culminate in either completely surpassing expectations and being everything I could’ve dreamed of and more (!!), or, it could be every worst fear I’ve ever fretted or worried about come to fruition. Spooky.
I was convinced that those things would be the worst case scenario because then life wouldn’t feel easy and silly goofy and fun, like I wanted it to. But the truth is, in those very moments where it feels hard and icky and messy, God is ever so present and drawing near to me, and actively using those moments to prune me and refine me and create deeper trust and intimacy with him. What a terribly beautiful concept!!
(from a draft that was never published ooo insider scoop!) God’s nearness and redemption are the attributes I find the most beautiful and compelling about him. For all of my time in college, this is what I came back to and found so much comfort in. The fact that I worship a God who not only knows the hurt and brokenness in me, but cares and restores. He doesn’t bulldoze the pain away, or sweep it under the rug like it doesn’t exist. He never promised that a life of following Him would take the weight off of sin in the world, but he does promise to be near. To mourn with us. To walk alongside us. Not only that, He will also use the messiness to bring restoration and glory to His name. The story of Joseph in Genesis is, to me, a perfect picture of God redeeming brokenness. After being sold into slavery and basically left for dead by his brothers, Joseph is able to look his brothers in the face and tell them that the broken decision they made was the very decision that God turned and redeemed and used to save the kingdom from famine and point the kingdom to Himself. In a perfect world, Joseph would’ve never been sold into slavery. It just wouldn’t have happened. But we don’t live in a perfect world.
Oh, how appealing comfort and ease can seem!! But if that is what I define as being “right” and “good,” I’ve completely missed out on the beauty of life with God.
I’m just so proud of September Celeste for believing in that. For embracing the new, and not letting the old and familiar pull her away from the present. That is my prayer as I step away from Fellows (or as it shoves me aside forcefully while I cling on as tight as I can, who’s to say?!).
And to be so real, much of my life will stay the same! Raleigh has been good to me, so I plan to stay for a little longer. Maybe a lot longer, who knows? And even if I wasn’t staying in Raleigh, the people and experiences and memories would stay with me. These blogs will be Ebenezer stones for me, and I’m just so thankful.
Thank God He brought me to this place with these people at this specific time. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude.
See you later :’)
Celeste
(not to be cringe but queue “We Will Never Be This Young Again” by Ben Rector)
(also, idk if you remember but September Celeste was terrified of writing blogs for anyone to read, and now here we are 8 months of blogs later woohoo!) (is it wrong that I wish there were more? hear me out: fellows alum blog posts - LOLA I KNOW YOU’LL SUPPORT!!)