Joe's blog pt 7

Hello world its Joe

As I reflect on the month of March I recall the night before genograms were due. As you would guess, I indeed procrastined writing the paper. But do not fret, I got the job done! The process was challenging and good.. but also annoying. Now let me explain. It was challenging and good by giving me better understanding of my family members and the experiences they each had when they were a child. I learned about different patterns in my dads and moms side that have been passed down generation to generation. It was also neat hearing my sisters share their experience and how it was similar or different to my experience.

The process was annoying because the smoke detector started chirping at 4 AM. I was almost done with my paper but the chirping was persistent, every 20 seconds I would hear a loud chirp. I had to just deal with the chirp until Monday afternoon when I could go to the store and get a new battery for the smoke detector.

I’m really grateful for Laura Love for teaching Family Systems and having us create a genogram and write a paper about our genogram and family interviews. The class was very informative and there are many things I am taking with me that will be useful in the future.

On another note… This month Josh and I discovered our new Monday dinner spot before guy’s night. We found a food truck called G’s Tacos. It doesn’t sound special but the joy it has brought to Josh and myself has made it special to us. The food truck is off of six forks road on the side of a gas station near Planet Fitness. If you need better directions contact me and I’ll try my best to get you there.

Rallows Month 7

I feel like it’s been a very long time since the last blog postings. This month has felt full and so sweet. One of the sweetest parts happened to be this past weekend at the silent retreat. I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it a thousand times: I really get a kick out of being somewhere outside, and no one in the whole world knows where I am except for me. It’s been pretty hard to find that in Raleigh, so I was beyond giddy to get to do that at St. Francis yesterday.

What I mainly want to talk about is Psalm 23. This chapter has been a recurring chapter throughout my life. Little did I know how special it would be when Mr. Hilborn had us memorize and recite it every day in Bible history class seven years ago. Oftentimes, in moments of solitude and silence, the only thing I know to do is pray Psalm 23 over and over. Saturday morning, I woke up waiting for the coffee to be done brewing and decided to just go walk the labyrinth while I waited. I wasn’t sure yet what I wanted to talk to God about, and probably needed the caffeine to figure it out, so I just prayed Psalm 23 over and over till I reached the end. Every time I do this, I feel different parts being lit up more than others. The part that got me this time was “He restores my soul”. Which is funny because it was always the part I missed in Bible history class that got me points taken off on our memorization tests. But this time, I could picture it written in bold. I gotta tell ya, Fellows is fast-paced and sometimes hard to stop to take a breath and care for my soul. Every time I said that part out loud, I felt my soul expand (just like the little toy that Mary showed us), and it felt very needed. Praying that my soul continues to feel restored this April.

Another reason why Psalm 23 felt so special and needed was the picture Mary gave us to meditate on at the start of the retreat. It was a picture of a shepherd holding his lamb. I know this is a silly thought, but the first thing it made me think of was how I always look at my cat and wish I could live life like her. Just doing nothing all day but sleep and run around, and your owners feed you and do everything for you. It made me think that because the Lord is my shepherd, I kind of get to feel a little bit of that. He just carries me. I don’t need to do anything. This doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit around and not eat the food that was given to me or ignore my owner and not let them hold me. I get to eat the food the Lord provides me, and I get to just be held. Crazy that I compared the Lord being our shepherd to my fat cat and her food, but it makes sense in my head.

Anywho, thankful for this weekend, thankful for March, thankful we have April, and thankful for the Fellows.

This month I recommend… JADE!!! (the Bolash’s cat I love her so much), La La Land color theory (thanks Celeste), 15 passenger vans, green bagels, day trips to Boone, the new Hunger Games book, roses (thanks Sam), lego keychains, and of course two more months with fellows.

Evy :)

Raleigh Rookie: Episode 7

This month, I got to go home for a couple days to celebrate my mother’s retirement. My sisters and I flew in from different parts of the country to celebrate her in Georgia. We only get to all be together once or twice a year, so it was a gift to have this time.

The celebration felt surreal. My mom has always worked, and her career was a central part of her story as a mother. When I think back to my childhood, I remember her picking me up from school, fresh off her 9-5, wearing a suit and pearls.  That was my favorite image of my mom. Looking back, I realize how much she embodied beauty and strength through her work.

My mom spent 32 years with the same company. Her career was not just a way to provide for us; it also created a community of coworkers who became like family. They prayed me up when I was a kid, kept pictures of me on their desks, and showed our family what the kingdom of heaven looks like through their kindness and love.

Watching such a significant chapter close was inspiring. My mom’s career is a testament to how God led her steps, guiding her to a place where she could be a light and a blessing to others.

As my mom’s career ends, I am trying to start on my own! I’m inspired by her life and the way the Lord blessed her steps.

And all I know is He is blessing ours today.

Cheers to the journey ahead!

-Skip

March Blog - Bryan

Howdy folks!

March has been a solid month. Here’s a quick list of some things that have happened:

• 360 reviews (shoutout to everyone who provided input for us fellows, you are greatly appreciated)

• Carolina Cocktail Party

• NC State Baseball game (my friend was playing for the other team… go hokies!)

• Persian New Year (didn’t get to plant any barley though)

• Sister, Brother in-law, and niece visited

• Visited Duke and UNC

• Shark Tank

• Silent Retreat

Here’s some pictures from the month!

We got to visit the UNC Study Center for class one day, and it was awesome. We discussed faith and work, and then went to Canes. I did not realize how much I missed Canes, so it was nice to pay a visit to my old friend.

Emma, Lola, and I explored Duke for our prayer partner time, and it was magical. There were some beautiful buildings with all sorts of interesting relics and religious pieces inside. We also highly recommend taking a stroll through the gardens there.

We rented a 15 passenger van and drove down to Charlotte for the Carolina Cocktail. It was a party for all of the fellows programs in the Carolinas, and it was a good time! I even got to see my friend Caleb, who is a Charlotte fellow. Also, it turns out that the guys have the perfect height distribution for a prom pic.

This month has been a good one, and I’m pumped to take in all that these last 6-7 weeks have to offer. Fellows has been a productive experience that has facilitated some of the best friendships I have ever had. So sad that it has to end, but I am eagerly awaiting what the end of fellows has in store.

Tootles!

Bryan

Fellows blog seven! Make earth look more like heaven

Writing blogs at the end of each month is also such a strange experience. It makes me realize how much can really happen in just one month. If you would have asked me before writing this what I did this past month I’m not sure what I would have told you. The stress, joy, fear, passion, grief, friendships, and every other emotion often turn into this mangled mess in my mind that I don’t know how to interact with most days. I really do think fellows is an experience I will most understand in hindsight (which I guess is true of every learning experience)

This month was a pretty heavy one for me, with both high highs and low lows. I’ll start withs the lows so I can on a positive note

The Lows:

Writing my genogram was very difficult for me. Not the writing process, as I actually enjoy writing long papers on things I’m passionate about, but in coming to terms with my family history. I think for a long time I thought I had a fairly “normal” childhood. But can anyone really say that? All parents are sinners, and all childhoods fall short of what God desires for us to experience. As I’ve looked back on past generations I’ve both been shocked by the weight of sin in my story, and the consistent faithfulness of God. There’s so much that I want to change for the future generations of my family. Praise God that I get to rebuild with my foundation as the word of God, not doomed to simply repeat the same patterns that have been past down to me. But overall its something I’ve honestly tried to avoid thinking about after the fact for now. I’m sure the lord will bring it back to memory when the time comes

My 360 was also a difficult experience for me. Not bad, just difficult. Its hard to know that the flaws you most want to give rid of are as painfully obvious to other people as they are to you. However I really do think it was helpful to hear some of my tendencies described in new language and written with compassion. I know I don’t take criticism very well, and its something I want to work on. Words that are meant to bring conviction, can often bring unwarranted to shame. But I know that its always better to face reality than pretend I’m perfect. As it says in proverbs, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy”

The highs:

I got to be a shark! Most people don’t know but I actually grew up as the childrens mascot for my large non denominational churches children ministry. We had two mascot suits. The older one was a frog and the newer one was a shark. In many services I would walk in the auditorium all dressed up and invite the kids to leave for kids church before the sermon started. Kids would frequently run up to my mouth hole and pull open the suit to see who was inside. About a week ago Mission Triangle allowed me to relive this feeling all over again. Once a year they host a “shark tank” event where local non profits get to fundraise for their next big goals. Tessa asked if I would be the shark mascot and it was everything I dreamed it would be. I got to stand outside and wave, hug, take pictures, and get up to general shark business.

Staff devos! I started reading a really good about a month ago called “The Familiar Stranger” by Tyler Staton. In summary is basically a guide to experience the Holy Spirit in Healing, Prophecy, Witness, Suffering, and many others ways without being weird or excessive about it. I thought it was a really pastorally healthy book so I recommended it to our Pastor Nick. About a week after he asked me to lead a devotion for the whole apostles staff going through the book! Its been a blast talking about some of these topics with everyone at apostles and getting hear everyones stories. Next session is on healing, and I’m looking forward to seeing how God guides our conversations

As of now we just got back from our silent retreat and feel quite sleep deprived, and ready to finish this blog. We’re getting dinner with the Bolash’s tonight which has me pumped! So I think I’m just going to end it here

-Elijah

On Tears and Change and Kentucky Basketball

This month has been one of the most emotionally intense months I’ve had so far. And I know what you're thinking - Lola is emotional!? Never saw that one coming. But this has been a month of coming to terms with the fact that maybe I’m not so good at the one thing I claim to excel at. Maybe I’m actually terrified of my emotions? Combine 360s and writing my genogram, having to think seriously about the future, considering some really deep wounds that have resurfaced, processing change in some of my really close relationships, sitting in silence with God, and the fact that time keeps ticking and I’m left barely holding myself together a lot of days. My goodness, is that terrifying. I love control and not needing anything from anyone, and boy is it scary to let myself be open to the fact that the depths of my emotions propel me far outside of that. 

I’ve been sitting a lot with this image the Lord met me with in a similar period of wrestling my senior year of college. It’s this picture of a little girl held in the arms of her father. She’s so angry that she’s screaming at him and banging her fists against his chest. But he just quietly lets her continue, and he’s glad she’s there because she knows if she was anywhere else, she would scrape her fists against the walls. And he’s so glad she’s there because he loves her he knows its safest for her to be here. And slowly, the screams turn to sobs as she turns her deepest sorrows over to the one who can most safely hold them. And he’s so glad she’s there. 

Emma’s roundtable on processing our emotions on God hit me the hardest of any roundtable yet. I pretty much sobbed through the whole thing. That caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting feeling my emotions to feel so scarry in that moment. But it did. In some level of stupid pride, I think I thought that fellows wouldn’t be that hard for me. I’m decently self-aware, I like talking about feelings and theology and friendship. Piece of cake right? The Lord is probably giggling down at my naive ideas of self-sufficiency (you think I’d have learned by now !?!). And on some level I’m a little angry to be here again. I hate the messiness of the middle and the unpredictability of my mind and I’m so terrified and furious to be back here again. And it makes it heavy and hard to show up honestly to be with God. But on another level, I’m immensely grateful that the Lord consistently acts in ways I don’t understand and would never choose. Coming face to face with the reality of the ways that he has made me and sin and brokenness have taken their tole on me (and unweaving which is which!) is holy and heavy. And thanks be to God for this space to face it head-on. Coming face to face with the reality of my past and present and future is terrifying and holy and heavy. And thanks be to God for this space to face it head-on. 

Shockingly I’ve cried a lot this month. That’s not something that comes particularly difficultly to me. But I have been thinking a lot about the role of tears in emotional expression. Someone once asked me what it would look like for our tears to serve a purpose even greater than just personal relief. I’m not sure. And I’m not sure they have to. But I like the idea. Not even sure it’s connected to what I’m talking about just throwing it out there because I’ve been thinking about it. But I think there is something about the inherent withness that happens when tears enter the equation. My tears keep me from holding my emotion completely to myself. They invite others into either the beauty or sorrow that spurred them on. That’s holy. I invite people into my sentimental tears easily, it’s a lot harder for me to wear my heavy emotions openly; fear builds a lot of resistance. I’d like to work on that.

My mom instilled in me early that some days what carries us through the heavy is our rhythms. When you can’t do much else our routines can hold us. So amidst a lot of change I’m grateful that there are things that keep me rooted in the broader narrative of my life. I’m grateful that every March I remember that I get to defrost the part of me that is a Kentucky basketball fan. It connects me to being small and pinning my bracket to the fridge, eager to update it. I’m grateful that spring returns and things become green again and I see new life start to blossom. And I get to run around outside being joyful that my favorite season has returned. I’m grateful that I get to wear green and eat green bagels and have friends that give me their pickles. And I’m also so abundantly grateful for the common grace of my weekly routine. That I get to kneel in confession and be met in communion even when I struggle to feel him close, that I get to call someone from home on my drives to and from work, I’m grateful that I can gather in safety with people I love and eat together and know I am cared for deeply even as I wrestle so much inside myself. It truly is routines that carry us. And I’m grateful for the quiet ministry of God to me even as I bang on his chest. 

March Stats:

Cries- 27 (And ladies and gentlemen thats a record!)

Visits from my mom- 1 (but guys shes just the best)

Hours of silence - 24ish

Purchases on Aldi Day- 4

Even here his hand will lead and hold me. 

All my love!

Lola

It's Lent Season Ladies and Gents

Firstly, I would just like to state for the record that I feel it is absolutely foul how quickly the month of March has gone by. I mean c’mon now, that is so unnecessary! I know I have no control over that, but God, if You’re listening, can we please slow it down a teeny bit for the next 6 weeks?

Which brings me to next point: Lent. (I know it wasn’t the smoothest transition, but I promise Lent and slowness go hand in hand). Anyways, I grew up in a context where Lent was never really practiced, so though I had friends who gave things up for Lent, we never did. However, in order to get the full Anglican experience, the Fellows all participate in the practice of Lent, with the intention of removing one thing from our daily lives and adding one thing in to draw us closer to God. After much prayer and thought, God and I landed on me giving up snoozing my alarm clock and adding in the practice of writing down one area I saw God in my day or was grateful each night. More than anything else, these practices have begun to grow my ability to be more present and thoughtful as I go about my day.

Now, I don’t know if this was something that was ever stressed to you, but I remember on several occasions (mostly in English class or from a college pastor) being told that if something is repeated more than once, it is something that is worth paying attention to. And boy oh boy has the Lord been repeating things to me throughout Lent. The message that I feel I’ve been getting from God has been repeated back to me in pretty much every area of my life (like guys literally in everything from our 360 reviews, to therapy, to the silent retreat, to my own roundtable topic that I led). I think this message is best illustrated in my experience with the stations of the cross at our silent retreat.

The stations of the cross is most simply a series of 14 images that mark the 14 major events in Jesus’ crucifixion, which are each accompanied by scriptures, prayer, and reflection. They are set up in a way that allows you to physically move to each of the 14 images as you contemplate them, and during our time at the silent retreat, I spent a lot of time reflecting at each of the stations. However, I was most drawn to the three stations where Jesus fell carrying the cross not once, not twice, but three times. I firmly believe Jesus is our best and perfect example of dignity, of grace, of humility, and of strength, and I also believe that though He was fully man as well as fully God, He had to willingly surrender to death itself and didn’t die just because He’d had enough and it got the better of Him. All that to say, I think Jesus, had He chosen to, could have carried the cross the full distance with a stoic and vengeful look on His face without stopping or stumbling, and yet I think He chose to fall 3 times. Our perfect example of strength, dignity, grace, and humility INCLUDES falling. What?? Insane to me still. And what’s better, Jesus, though God in the flesh, accepts the smallest acts of help from a man who carries the cross with Him and a woman who does nothing more than wipe the sweat and blood from His face. Once again, I don’t think He “needed” that, and yet, there was an intentional reason He accepted it.

Sorry for the theological side bar, let me draw this back together a bit. My point being, I am not quick to let others see me “falling” or out of control. In fact, I tend to view “falling” itself as failure altogether. However, falling is not failure, but rather an incredibly essential part of strength it turns out. Additionally, I need to let others see it so they can enter in with me. I’m not totally sure where to start at times, but I feel like for now it is starting with trying to be more present and thoughtful in the moment with the incredible friends I’ve found in the other 13 Fellows + Ashley.

Happy Lenting!

Love,

Emma <3

Fellows blog six! So much in the mix!

Apologies for the late blog everyone! February was one heck of a month, with lots to learn from.

Currently I am writing this in the middle of meal prepping for my next busy week, which just goes to show how go go go fellows life can be. I’m trying to make a cajun style red beans and sausage over rice but its coming out a bit watery. I think I might add a little corn starch mixed in with some of the cooking liquid to help thicken everything up in a bit

As excited as I am for life to slow down a bit after graduating from fellows, I really will miss all of the special opportunities of the program. Just in the past month we had our longest retreat yet which was super insightful. The guys also attempted to go on a secret trip to florida over the course of the women’s retreat but were sadly caught. We also started two new class which I both love, World view and New Testament. I’ll now elaborate a bit on what I loved about each of these

First up was the Career Calling and Vocation retreat. We got to have a guest pastor named Cam (also known as King Cam) fly out to come teach us for a weekend about how the gospel impacts our lives at work. We talked about how almost all jobs are either “For the kingdom” or “Against the world”, and how our work can make earth a little bit more like heaven. We were warned of the burden of meaning making, and were reminded to rest in having everything we do not having to carry incredible significance. We talk about a theology of risk, and how christians should take risks in their careers because we believe God will protect us regardless of the outcome. The most insightful part of the retreat was when we all had 1 on 1 career counseling. I talked to Cam about my plan to pursue full time ministry a bit later in life than I initially expected and he agreed that was a good idea, which gave me a lot of assurance that I was hearing from the Lord accurately. He also warned not to make my non-religious 9-5 into a mission field too quickly, but instead build rapport from my good work ethic and gracious spirit.

Up next was the grand “secret trip”. After class on friday all of the guys hid our cars in a free parking lot, and hurried to the airport. We were on our way to Fort Lauderdale florida, and overall it was a blast. Watching gladiator and braveheart in the same weekend, meeting Josh’s friend, ordering late night pizza, and all of us getting horribly sunburnt on the beach were some of the highlights. It further helped the fellows guy community bond, and solidified my confidence that we will be friends for life. I have so much confidence that all of the fellows guys (and girls too!) are going to do lots of good for the world, and bring God glory in their post fellows lives. After we got back from the retreat the girls immediately pointed our Josh’s sunburn to which he doubled down on his now infamous alibi, “I was doing work in front of a window and it was sunny out”

Update: The corn starch slurry didn’t work and I’m going to add more

Lastly I want to talk about our two new classes. Talking about World-Views are my jam. Being a philosophy major, discussing how other religions differentiate from Christianity is one of my favorite subjects. Many religions have partial truths, that find their fullness in the gospel, and knowing those half truths helps christians to more effectively witness to those of other belief systems. As Charles Spurgeon famously said “Discernment is not simply being able to tell right from wrong, but being able to tell almost right from wrong”. One of the interesting things our professor Scott brought up was that according to deists, sin is only a matter of ignorance and not morality. Salvation then is not about being brought to life by the spirit, but by learning what is good and true purely by human reason. I’ve been thinking a lot about how our culture shares this view. Sometimes sin is thought of as simply a lack of self awareness. As new age and open spirituality become increasingly more popular the belief that salvation is found by enlightenment of hidden spiritual truths, rather than reptance goes with it. Some Christians already subscribe to this idea without realizing it by ignoring biblical passages about Gods justice, and focusing the doctrine of sanctification on human effort rather than God’s intervention. And these kinds of thoughts are why I commonly get distacted in class, as my mind wanders in a thousand directions thinking about the implaicatons of what we are discussing

Update: The corn starch slurry worked!. Now I’ll just have to adjust the salt levels and add some garnish and I’ll be done. Yay food!

New Testament has also gotten off to a strong start. I love how Ryan and Emily invite us to wrestle with the overalls themes of large sections of scripture rather than getting lost in the details of each story. Seeing the whole forest of God’s love instead of just the trees fills my heart with worship for a God who always fulfills his promises. You can tell that all of the fellows have been hungry for deeper biblical study as the year has gone on, rather than always jumping to application (as good as application is). Its cool how each fellows personality and unique story really come across in our discussions and highlight differnet aspects of the text I couldn’t see if it was just me reading

Anyway, sorry if that was too much! I’m off to go grab dinner with my prayer partner this week and then work on my resume so I can start applying for jobs soon. Prayers would be appreciated

-Elijah

February Fun Fellows Flicks

Hey Blog!

I know this is late… BUT anyways! February has been extra full with retreats, Valentine’s parties, and well-spent time with the Fellows! The month started off strong with the Career, Calling, and Vocation Retreat, where I learned a lot about how my strengths, weaknesses, and motivations play into how I work. Shout out to KING CAM for the time he spent with us to educate us and do 1-on-1 meetings to talk about our personal assessments! Then Valentine’s Day brought so many sweet moments from the Bolash Café, where we got to feel so loved by Robin and Klaus’s hospitality #danger, a girl’s night where we made Valentine’s for each other and got to share sweet moments, and I got flowers and a sweet card from Sam allll the way from France! Then, the girls went to the Apostles Women’s Retreat, which was so special! To be surrounded by a bunch of women who are all so different but all perfectly reflect the image of God truly is a wonderful experience! Oh, and can’t forget the skit that we performed for all of them… Between all of these things, there were so many fun moments with the Fellows that made me thankful for each one of them! From prayer partner time to run club, I am grateful for the busyness and all the pictures that were taken! The shared album has 2,607 pictures and videos!

<3, AG

TESSYWESSY (yeah that’s her Spotify name)

Tessa is very creative! This can be seen in the sketches that she draws on the sweet notes she gives everyone or the bits and jokes that she does! It is special to see the different outlets that she can shine out of throughout her life. I am thankful for the friendship that I have with her and the ways that she tries to get to know me! So go check out this creative girl on Spotify… she has some great playlists!

JOSH our resident mechanic

Does your car make a weird noise when it turns on? Do your brakes sometimes make a noise? Does your window not work? CALL JOSH! A man who is always down to listen to you, whether that’s about your car or just life updates, Josh is the one you want to talk to! I am thankful to know him and his wealth of knowledge! Oh and if he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he is willing to learn more to help! We don’t deserve him!

My Sixth Blog Post

Hello. I’m a bit late to the party this time. It was bound to happen at some point. Bend don’t break am I right? I coached middle school baseball for three years while I was at Appalachian State. It’s one of the most rewarding and life-giving things I have ever done. This past Friday, I got to watch the team I coached play close to my hometown. It was the first time I had seen them since I’ve been in Raleigh, and it reminded me how much of a gift it was to coach them. To be with them again, even if it was only for a day, was such a blessing. If anyone knows any coaching positions opening up in the Raleigh area next year let me know. This has nothing to do with what I’m going to write about in this blog post. Sorry.

It’s finna get a lil’ vulnerable up in here, so if you’re not into that… I once again am sorry. The Fellows recently read a book called “Abba’s Child” by Brennan Manning (recently as in over Christmas break, so more like recent adjacent). There’s no good way to sum up exactly what this book is about, at least no good way that I’m aware of. This is not because it’s obscure and aimless, but more so because it’s dense. In 148 pages, Brennan (yes we’re on a first name basis) articulates many things regarding his walk with the Lord, but my biggest takeaway was his concept of self-hatred and how that can really skew our image of how God thinks of us.

 “The fourteenth-century mystic Julian of Norwich said, “Our courteous Lord does not want his servants to despair because they fall often and grievously; for our falling does not hinder him in loving us.” Our skepticism and timidity keep us from belief and acceptance; however, we don’t hate God, but we hate ourselves. Yet the spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.

…

“God calls us to stop hiding and come openly to Him. God is the father who ran to His prodigal son when he came limping home. God weeps over us when shame and self-hatred immobilize us.”

I’ve struggled a lot with self-hatred. As Manning mentions, my struggle is not only the deprecation I inflict on myself, but also my misconception that the Lord reflects that same hatred towards me as well. I don’t actually have much more to say about this, which to some extent defeats the purpose of a blog I reckon. Quite frankly, I would love to say that reading this changed my whole perspective in an instant and I haven’t thought negatively of myself since December, but that’s just not true. There are days when I feel like Abba’s child, and there are days that I simply do not. I think that’s okay? Not so much my misconceptions of the Lord’s love for me, but the belief that He’s proud of me for trying to reshape them one day at a time.

Most of my reflecting on this has come in the form of music, as most of my reflecting does. The reason I felt urged to share about it in this blog post is because of a lyric from Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit’s masterpiece “Chaos and Clothes” that I’ve recently been drawn to. The lyric is “you say love is hell but it’s the ghost of love that’s made you such a mess.” I can confidently say that I don’t think love is hell (phew). But maybe sometimes it does feel foreign. Maybe it feels like it’s unavailable. Maybe it does feel like a ghost and that makes me feel like a mess. Thankfully, what I do know to be true is that’s not how the love of my Heavenly Father works. It is always available. It is unwavering. And If I’m a mess, I know that I’m His mess. Just working on believing in that everyday.

My song recommendation is none other than “Chaos and Clothes” by Jason Isbell.

And all 400 of his Units.

Love, Bailey

Ryan's February

This month was crazy.

Went to OBX with my high school small group. GUMP!

We had our Career Calling Vocation retreat. Project Manager?

I had a retreat with my friends from college. The Milk men.

The guys fellows flew to Florida and got a sunburn as well as watched Braveheart. William Wallace, what a guy.

Saw Gracie. Love her! We went to her sisters college championship swim meet this past weekend. She had a PR in one of her races. Good job Madelynn!

okay bye

Hi Blog-February was for sure a MONTH

Hi!!!! This month has been emotional, so this blog will be as well but don’t worry it won’t be too bad.

This month has been all about encouraging for me. All my life I have always been subpar at most things like, school, sports, choir, writing essays, you name it. I was always good but not the best and I was completely fine about it. BUT one thing I could always bring to the table and was the best at was encouragement. I am always cheering people on and bringing other up. That was my thing, that was my contribution. For the first time in my life, I really truly feel encouraged and built up by other people who truly know me for who I am. The fellows see me and when they encourage or give my a compliment, its really easy to believe them. (Shoutout to Evy, Celeste, Bryan, Bailey, Josh, and Emma. I doubt you remember the little things you’ve said but they meant a lot) At our career-calling-vocational retreat we had a lot of talks about strengths and weaknesses. And to be very honest, it was really hard to think of my strengths and easy to recongnize weaknesses, but the weaknesses I thought I had weren’t even true, so that was a whole thing of really looking at true weaknesses. During this whole debacle we were each put on the “hot seat” basically and were pretty much just telling each other what strengths and good stuff we see in each other. Basically this brought me to tears, I have never been in a space where so many different people have shown that they each love me differently. I was completely overwhelmed with the idea that thirteen people I’ve only know for 6ish months have some much good to say about me. I am just in awe of how the goodness of God is shining through each and every one of the fellows, and now I am really starting to see that it is shining through me too.

Something that has really stuck with me over the last month is this quote From the shack: (I know controversial): “I am very fond of them” which is God talking about some person, but God is very fond of us all and I just want to look at all of Gods children like that.

I want to let all the fellows know that I have spent 5 hours alone on purpose this week to try to be better at being independent.

Women’s retreat was a dream. I often find myself having friend crushes (you get excited to be their friend because you think they are cool and fun and want to be their friend) when I am in a new space and I developed A LOT this weekend. There were so many amazing women I am so excited to get to know better. Two who stand out are Wendy Shultz and Joanna Refvem. Wendy was at my table all weekend and was also one of the speakers. I wish I could portray how cool I find her but words can’t do justice. She’s awesome and was wonderful to talk too. Joanna, in a nutshell this woman is a vibe and if you’re reading this Joanna please know that is a compliment. I admire how she carries herself and speaks to others. She is so fun and tearing it up on the dance floor with her during silent disco AND contemporary dance was the highlight of my weekend. She is just incredible, I can’t wait to know her more. Seeing how huge and amazing the women’s ministry is was such an amazing experience and I will do everything I can to go back next year!

Back to the regular scheduled programming of recommendations.

• dancing your heart out

• staying up late and getting up early

• the miedemas front porch swing. (probably my favorite spot to sit ever)

• lavender anything

• getting snowed in with celeste

• going on walks

• talking about other peoples interests

• the bounce curl define styling brush

• the movie Waitress, just watch it and get back to me with feedback

• getting pierced! (I got my thirds done, I forget everytime that is actually hurts and takes time to heal)

• picking people up! (like with a car, to go places)

• trying new foods (had seafood boil, loved it)

Music recommendations:

• All I need to hear - Mitchell Ferguson

• The Ballad of Boot Hill - Johnny Cash

• Pay no Rent - Turnpike Troubadours

• Slow Hand - Conway Twitty

• Weight of the World - Chris Stapleton

• Playing on the Tracks - Luke Grimes

• Dannys Song - Loggins & Messina

• Do I wanna know? - Live at the BBC - Hozier

• 2 songs : Where the Red Fern Grows and Diamondhead - J.R. Carroll

• and ANYTHING by Rhianna

• and ANYTHING by Adele

Anyways hope you enjoyed reading this!

love, Jenna

RALLOWS MONTH 6

Dropping in real quick to say I love women. This month the lady fellows got to go on the women’s retreat with all the lovely ladies of apostles; and it was epic. The days leading up to the retreat I was having a hard time fully looking forward to it for two reasons. The first reason was I didn’t want to pack my bag again. Packing is one thing I dread the most and fellows is full of packing. I’ve decided that all this packing must be teaching me something. Every time I finish packing I’m all of a sudden excited for whatever retreat we are about to go on. To all the future fellows reading this: just come with a pre-packed suitcase and keep it by the door. The second reason is the only thing I could think about in regards to the women’s retreat was this skit we were putting on. The planning and choreography for our skit was intense (but actually some of the most fun I’ve had in fellows). Needless to say, I was quite nervous to perform in front of all these women that may have only seen my face on a pamphlet on their fridge. The skit turned out to be an absolute hit, I think… but super huge thank you to the Elderflowers for including us in their performance of the year. We love you all very much and think you are all so beautiful and fun.

It feels special and rare to sit in a room full of women who love God and show up to love each other. It also feels special and rare to tear up the silent disco dance floor with your pastor (LETS GO LAUREN MANN). And of course it is so special and rare that the seven of us fellow girls plus Ashley happen to not only love each other but really like each other. After the retreat, the girls started a shared notes we call “glimmer hunting” where we add the things we are thankful for throughout each day. I have to fight the urge not to type “you guys” everyday but I fear I can overdo the cheesy sometimes. So this is my blanket statement that I am and always will be thankful for you guys everyday.

I could’ve probably just written this entire blog about Joanna Refvem and it would be the most epic blog ever, but I figured I’d give airtime to the weekend as a whole. Joanna, if you’re reading this, we can’t wait to come over and send Josh to his room.

This month I recommend… Valentines Day (the best holiday to ever exist), silent disco, snow days, nyquil, elaborately choreographed dance routines, and women.

Evy :)

Joe's blog pt 6

Hello world its Joe

Raleigh experienced a few inches of snow mid February and it was beautiful. I’ll leave a pic below. The snow reminded me of one of my favorite albums titled “Into The Lantern Waste” by Sarah Sparks. Her album is inspired by the Chronicles of Narnia and explores CS Lewis’s message of redemption. Below I have shared some of my favorite lines from the album

“So you might turn the page or you might shut the book, but the truth is still truth if you don’t look.”

“You cut me deep, I know I felt it But it’s the sweetest kind of pain Oh, sweet relief, You took my burdens Oh I believe, Oh I believe.”

“For the first time a shadow found me I doubted the sun for the lack of heat and I ran but He ran after me”

“I am justice and wrath, I am love But I am your only hope I am in the light, I am in the shade I am in the wind, I am in the waves.”

“ A wise man knows that his own feeling may not with the truth align And you think you have never seen my face But every moment that you’re alive, you know my grace For only death in this cruel world is justly deserved”

“Wait I see there in a Lion’s eyes tears much greater than my own Could it be that he possesses a greater love than I’ve ever owned”

For the girls <3

February is for the girls! February was pink and light and sunny and girly and silly and all things beautiful! 

I’ve been hesitant to blog about the other Fellows in previous months, but I think this month deserves a peek into some of my favorite moments with the girls.

JENNA. Jenna and I snowstormed together. Side note: I was told it wouldn’t snow in Raleigh, and yet… this is the 3rd time it has snowed this year… mighty sus if you ask me. HA anyway, Jenna invited me to come stay with her at her host family’s house during the snowstorm (or actually maybe she let me come over when I asked to be invited - who’s to say!!). And honestly? It’s one of my favorite memories from Fellows! We WFHed! (I actually got to wfh a little this time!) We walked through the snow and ended up at McDonalds! We had snow-mosas! We laughed and giggled and watched the Lorax! If you are ever curious who each of the Fellows would be as a character in the Lorax, hit us up. It reminded me of high school when I would spend a week straight at my friends’ houses in the summer just ‘cause it was fun and we could! I’m a biggg quality time girl, and PGFWABF so is Jenna. It was just so sweet to be in her company those few days, and it redeemed my last snow day experience in so many ways! Jenna is warm & inviting and she expresses her love & appreciation for others earnestly and sincerely. There is no one I would’ve rather spent those snow days with! 

Emma!! Something you MUST know about Emma and I is that since the first week of knowing each other, Emma and I have been bed buddies on just about any retreat we go on, it seems. On our welcome retreat, Emma and I were the last girls to arrive at the lake house and all the girls had already claimed rooms upstairs… which meant Emma and I were condemned to the DUNGEON downstairs with the boys. If you’ve ever been to Ashley’s lake house, you know which room I mean. NO windows, a full size bed, and a steam shower right when you walk in with a translucent door. Not a good sight to see when you just met someone 6 hours ago. AND to top it all off we had to share a toilet with 7 boys we just met who were in the bunk room across from us... Yeah brutal start. But I must confess that the dungeon has become one of my favorite rooms!! Emma and I have stayed in that room every time we go back! Emma is a fellow middle child, and no offense to any non-middle children out there, but it’s just a fact that middle children are the best. Emma is the most willing to go along with any random shenanigan happening, and life just feels lighter and funnier with her! She is quick to meet me where I’m at, to invite me over when I’m roaming around town on a Monday without time to go back to my own house, to laugh with me at some of my most embarrassing moments at women’s retreat, and to wordlessly step away from a moment with anyone who just needs a second away from the chaos. Emma also goes SO hard in silent disco. She would beat you all in a dance battle, I’m convinced of it. What a gift it is to be Emma’s friend!

AG. You guys ever heard of Pine Cove? It’s all the rage in Texas! I spent my first summer as a Pine Cove counselor this summer, and when I got to Raleigh I was pleasantly surprised to find out that AG was also a counselor in South Carolina! Pine Cove has a million and one dances and phrases and traditions, and I’m sure other camps could say the same for them, BUT I only know Pine Cove. All the little dances I learned this summer were SO fun but no one else ever knows them so they will stay tucked away in my brain forever because I’ll most likely never work at camp again. OR SO I THOUGHT!! At a retreat this month, AG and I somehow got in a camp mindset, so naturally we cranked some of those songs on the speaker! It was joyous!! Nostalgic! Had me running around the living room smiling and dancing just because life felt light and fun and worth a cheesy worship song cranked up loudly! It is a comfort to have a shared connection with AG! Even today we had a little side moment in class when the word “gregarious” came up as a description of God. The only reason we knew that word was from this thing we do called CQs in Pine Cove (Bryan this is my public confession that I was the one who gave you gregarious). As the only Fellow from Texas, I don’t take these shared memories for granted. AG is selflessly hospitable. She is the first to seek you out in a crowded room. She is generous and goofy and will support the things that matter to the people she cares about!! It feels like a special gift to get to know AG more and more.   

TESSA. From her instagram you may be inclined to think that Tessa is a certified Insta-baddie. But I’m here to tell you that’s not the full picture! Tessa is the silliest of goofs out there and simultaneously incredibly thoughtful and perceptive! I fear Tessa and I would get into oodles of trouble if we were left alone in a room too long. The schemes we scheme!! One of my favorite things to do with Tessa is to plan pranks that will have little to no effect on whatever victim we choose, but will leave us melting with laughter and a glorious feeling of “ooo we are SO bad!!!!” Tessa, along with Lola, is also the facilitator of our girly craft nights. Crafting is not my natural inclination, although I really wish it was!! I love the way Tessa’s love for creativity and artistic expression has created a space for all of us to craft together. I am surrounded by such talented and creative women who love to knit, crochet, make shrinkydinks, draw, embroider, dance, sing, and ugh so much more! Tessa is just the coolest. Code I’m so glad to be your friend.

EVY. The thing that always comes to mind when I think of Evy is that Evy makes space for you. Evy has made space for me in all different contexts, from the craziest of my screams to moments where all I have are tears. A moment in February that I particularly cherish with Evy was an impromptu cutie girl picnic in the sun with Tessa and Lola and Jubala sandwiches that quickly and probably unexpectedly for the girls turned into a Celeste tear fest! The weight of decisions I needed to make felt far too heavy to bear, and I just remember being met with care and reassurance that my tears were welcome. Evy, you spoke some kinddd words over me that day, and I hold them dear to my heart! From the first week together, Evy has been a comforting presence, someone who builds a bridge between us to meet me where I’m at. Evy’s encouragement is sincere and her laughter is contagious! EEP it’s so fun to be your friend!

LOLA. For anyone reading this who knew me BF (before fellows), you may never believe that I’m not the most competitive person here. But it’s true! Lola has me beat for SURE!! Phew, so thank you Lola for bearing that burden for me. AHAH Lola is just so special!! I have a distinct memory from February that really encapsulates so much of who Lola is to me. Let me set the scene for you: we are at the Bolash’s for their annual Valentine’s Day party, which if you’ve never gone, you must. It’s epic. But Liz is there and asks me about my future plans (as it seems everyone these days are doing. Guys we still have a few months of the program left okay!! Stop reminding me that the end is near!) We discuss, and Liz mentions Lola’s contained excitement for me if I decide to stay in Raleigh. For the sake of the story, I have no idea what I’m doing after Fellows, and I’m feeling really torn between two places right now. Lola, knowing this, has been holding in some of her personal bias for my sake. To offer advice even if it’s not what she personally hopes for! I wish I could do it justice in words what this means to me. Lola is the fiercest encourager of us all. She selflessly shows up, and is ready to rejoice with those who rejoice or weep with those who weep at the drop of a dime. Lola is incredibly patient. She is empathetic and thoughtful and will drop any plans or personal comforts to make sure her friends are safe and cared for! Lola is capable enough and determined enough to take over the whole world, in my opinion!! Lala, this semester of deeper friendship with you has been one of my favorite things about this semester.’

To love and to be loved.

February was a gift I want to open over and over again!

See ya next month,

Celeste

The Woman At The Well

Yes, yes, as the other Fellows before me have said, February was FULL. It was a crazy month of high highs and low lows to be entirely transparent. I think for the month what feels most impactful has been the Women’s Retreat this past weekend Is it because it is the freshest thing on my mind or the truly the most impactful? Who’s to say, but I am going with it.

Picture this: 140 women well spread in age between 18 and dare I say late 70s (not sure since I didn’t ask women’s ages, but you get the picture) all from one church, meeting to know God and one another deeper. Looking back, I am beyond thankful to have done ballet class and silent disco with women outside my typical social circle, to have gotten to walk along the beach in February, and to have had a wine night with 20+ girls, but I have left with lots to reflect on about God as well.

One particular thing that struck me was a Visio Divina practice we did as we spent time in the story of the woman at the well. This practice is one where you look at an image or piece of art with a scripture in mind and notice what stands out and what emotions come up. In the particular image I sat in front of, I spent a lot of time noticing Jesus’ posture compared to the woman. Jesus was not only facing her, but his entire body was angled towards her. In contrast, though she was looking back at him, the rest of her body continued to be pointed away. Now I know this seems insignificant and maybe even like a stretch, but I couldn’t help but thinking if that might be an accurate depiction of my own posture to Jesus at times. Maybe even when my face is turned totally towards Jesus, I am closed off in the rest of my body and leaned away.

Now I truly haven’t the slightest idea how to wrap that up neatly for the blog post, but I will share a picture of the piece of art I was looking at.

Praise God for His persistence and gentleness towards me.

The Well by Mike Moyer Oil on Panel 2019

All my love,

Emma

See ya February !!

Happy end of February guys!

Rapid fire overview of this month: Avery and I made heart shaped pastries, Elijah (ny neighbor kid not the fellow) was student of the week, went back to Doxology, had my one-on-one with Cam (and then have been verbally processing it ever since), was at my very happiest sitting on a boat, almost fed a seagull off the boat (scarry!), made incredible superbowl food, Bolash Cafe!!, worshiped at Immerse, so much Galentines joy!, cried a few times (okay a lot of times- this is your reminder that joy and sorrow can coexist and rapidfire overview can brush past a lot of the hard of this month, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there), SNOW DAYs! And snow walks with Evy!!, turned in my 360s, Women’s retreat at the beach, epic dance party, saw the sunrise over the ocean, went bowling with Mark and Mona, took first place in the Bachelor bracket (as of 2/25), learned to be a big girl and got my car towed, went to a few interviews and worked on my resume

In place of an emotional reflection this month I have two graphs to offer (annoying of me I know but you’ll get over it).

That’s what I’m learning (and honestly have been kicking and screaming about learning it for my whole life)- frustrating news for the girl who desperately wants to believe she can figure it all out. But oh well!

Even here his hand will lead and hold me.

February Stats:

Seagulls seen: Too many (my second least favorite bird)

Cries: 14

Galentines given: 6

360s written: 14

All my love!

Lola

February Blog - Bryan

Howdy folks!

This month held a lot for the shortest month of the year. We had our career calling and vocational retreat, Immerse (worship night type thing at church), Valentine’s Day, snow, and weekend trips! I wanted to share a few pictures to show y’all the experiences.

This picture is from the career calling retreat, and it even includes Cam! He led the retreat and provided amazing guidance and explanations that helped each of us to better understand and even question our strengths and weaknesses. I may not have left the retreat with any specific profession in mind, but I definitely left with a better understanding of how I work and how I can work well.

This is from our roundtable meal last night! Emma and Elijah made a big mess of table nachos, and I must say that they did an excellent job. Roundtable meals are always a highlight of my weeks because it is a time when we all simply get to share a meal and chat about anything we want. There is always laughter and good conversation, which makes these nights something to look forward to. Praise God for sometimes mediocre food and definitely better than mediocre friends!

The boys took a not so secret trip to Florida, and it was awesome. We soaked up too much sun, watched Gladiator and Braveheart, and had overall great bonding time. This is also in Skip’s blog, but I’ll throw it in here too:

Every man dies, but not every man really lives - William Wallace (in Braveheart at least)

February was great, and I am so excited for these last 2.5 months of fellows!

Tootles!

Bryan

Trying softer

Ashley sent us a text this morning with a little poem about being soft. I’ve already read it about 10 times. Try softer, not harder it says. As I was driving to work, weaving between cars and being ready to break because North Carolinian drivers were taught that going the speed limit and using a turn signal are cardinal sins, I was struggling with what it means to live that out. I’m bad at being soft. Softness feels entirely apart from me at times.

I was thinking about last weekend at women’s retreat. During the discussion groups, a lady at my table read a quote from the Velveteen Rabbit. I remember reading that book in Mrs. Voorhees’s first grade class, it was a favorite. Hearing her summarize the message of that book, I realized I need to re-read it. For anyone who hasn’t read Velveteen but for some reason is reading this blog (go read it, or at least read the quotes on GoodReads), I’ll give you the take home message. Love is what makes us real, and in order for us to be real we must endure hurt and become soft. The rabbit was perfect before it was loved by the boy, pristine velvet skin, a ribbon around its neck. As it was loved it lost it’s ribbon, it’s shape, it became unrecognizable as a rabbit to all but the boy.

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.
But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Am I being dramatic? Yes. Do I know where I’m going with all this? Literally never.

But we’re rounding the bend on Fellows, the finish line is in sight and I’m scared of it. I pray I will be finishing much shabbier than I started. I think that’s good. How do I try soft? I don’t know really, except to let the love that is being poured over me change me. I hope that is enough. Daily I ask myself, am I good? Am I being good. I have no idea. Hard to feel good when you’re being loved so hard all the things that once made you seem good start falling off. I broke my own rule and read someone’s blog and will now be stealing from what Skip asked in his Feb blog. I want to try soft. Will you hold me accountable?

Khodahafez!

Tessa

Raleigh Rookie: Episode 6

This month, I’m grateful for a few things: Valentines, snow days, and good movie quotes.

This weekend, I watched Braveheart for the first time, and that legendary quote really got to me:

“Every man dies, not every man really lives.”

Profound? Maybe not. But was it enough to make me want to truly live—to drop my phone and escape the doom scroll? To let go of the safe (yet boring) plans I have for my life? To stop living in fear?

Yeah.

This month, the fellows and I went on a retreat to explore career callings and vocation. I didn’t leave with a clearer picture of my career path, but I did leave with a whole lot of encouragement. One truth I walked away with is this: God has gifted each of us with a diversity of skills, interests, and opportunities. And when a gift is freely given by The Giver, there’s grace and mercy behind every step of faith.

We all have gifts. And all we’re asked to do is take the risk to use them. If we fail, there are oceans of grace and mercy to catch us.

God, I hope I’m one of the few who really live. I want to take risks. I want to live free from fear—with a deep faith that gives me space to fall and get back up.

Will y’all hold me accountable to that?

Best,
Skip