“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” –Mother Theresa

Throughout my time as a Fellow I have been thinking about the idea of doing hard and holy things. It should be obvious to me that doing hard things is hard, but for some reason I tend to think that it won’t be. Sometimes I don’t choose to love the people closest to me today, yet I think in the distant future I will go the distance for the vulnerable. I sometimes think that I can choose sleep over my quiet time today, but in the distant future I will have a rich prayer life and a deep and vast knowledge of the Bible.  

I have realized that the opposite of doing evil is cultivating good, rather than just not doing bad. It’s definitely beneficial that I’m not reading licentious books, but am I soaking myself in the Word of God and writing it on my heart? It’s great that I’m not trying to sabotage my friends and family, but am I encouraging them, loving them, praying for them, and helping them to know who they are in the Lord? It’s great that I’m not actively pursuing methods of self-harm, but am I actively seeking understanding of who I am in the Lord?

I find myself guilty of this kind of coasting… not blatantly harming but also not dying to myself to cultivate life. I have been thinking about the season that I am in right now and how I can grow and serve in it, developing disciplines that go against the autopilot of my sinful heart. To be honest, it is much more fun to dream about being a doctor who in 10 years serves her patients and fights for their best interests rather than actually sit down with someone today and not talk about myself the whole time.

These things that I find hard but I like to think don't really matter are the disciplines that would be ridding me of myself and making me more like Christ. 

So this is where I find myself, wrestling with the most obvious truths, rolling my eyes that this is so hard for me to grasp. Thankfully, I find myself in good company with a Bible full of people that seem to make the mistakes that I think are so obviously avoidable, yet loved by a gracious God who does not declare us lost causes.