In complete honesty, I normally don’t struggle for words for when I write, but articulating what I am learning in Fellows is presenting itself as much more of a challenge than I thought it would be. I think a lot of that comes from learning so much that it is difficult to properly process everything, but an even bigger part is probably my refusal to take the time to process those things. When it gets down to it, I think the biggest thing that I’ve learned about myself in the past 2 months is that as much as I love deep and intentional conversations, I also avoid processing my own junk as much as I can. I prefer to fill my day with so many things that I don’t have to process anything, and instead talk around it or about it rather than actually IT and how I’m feeling about it. I am inherently an external processer, which is awesome except when I allow people to replace my need for Jesus. And I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing that a lot.
In Fellows, we talk about Jesus a ton. Which is really great. But the thing is, my brain often associates talking about Jesus as talking TO Jesus, which are obviously not the same thing. So, what happens is I spend no quality time with the Lord because I feel like I am through classes and conversations and blah blah blah, whatever my brain uses as an excuse for me to not be still. But what would it look like for me to be actually still? What would it take for me STOP, to rest in the Lord, and genuinely give Him my worries and my strife? Why can’t I seem to let go of the excuses I use to not be alone and with Him?
Fellows is pushing me to ask questions like that of myself, and to actually spend time answering them rather than avoiding them like I normally do. Fellows has taught me a frik ton about myself already, and basically I am just inherently a selfish and pride filled human being, who wants everything for herself and nothing for anyone else. BUT (and it’s a big but) I am also a daughter of the Creator, our Father, who claims me and makes me whole, and whose Spirit resides within me to guide me towards a path away from destruction and towards life. And in the end, it is He who defines me rather than my sin.
I’m not sure if that made any sense at all, but essentially I am learning way more than I think I can even process right now, but I’m loving it even though there are a lot of challenges. To conclude, here is a poem I wrote during our Christian Spiritual Formation class that pretty accurately reflects how I have felt.
How often I say I want to see,
And yet I refuse to see what’s in front of me.
I call out in anguish, “Oh Father, where have You gone?”
Before I even stop and realize I’m the one who’s been on the run.
I run and I run, trying to hide,
From the only one who truly knows what’s inside.
I run in fear of being known,
For oh so many weeds have already grown,
Inside my heart and within my soul,
Threatening to extinguish the fire You started; burning coal.
But though I run, You do pursue,
Promising that what You have done You will never undo.
Promising to me You will never hold back,
Promising that in You I will never lack,
Promising to always walk alongside,
Promising that from us You will never hide.
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
For though I know these promises and know they will be,
Far too often my soul doesn’t truly believe.
Push my heart to believe though I don’t fully understand,
Push my heart to release everything into Your hands.
Push me, Lord Jesus, for through that my love for You can only grow.
Push me, Father, so I may have the strength to battle our greatest foe.
Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!
Open my stubborn eyes to Your ways that I cannot yet see.