A prayer written on January 24th.
Dear Jesus,
& we are back to journaling— hooray! Lord, this year in Fellows has been filled with so much stretching and growing. There has been so much recently that has been going on in my mind. But, it all really comes down to the timeless question of. “Am I good enough?”. Am I a good enough friend, Lord? I have fallen short in our friendship. Have I made enough phone calls or responded fast enough to people for them to know I care and value them? Am I a good enough worker? Fellow? Daughter? Student? God, I feel like I am just one pace behind where I need to be. That is, being the best and never struggling in what I do— which I know is impossible. Jesus, I get so scared and pushed down by my own emotions when I feel like I have to process them frequently. The weight of these pressures and if I will ever measure up to them feels too heavy to attempt to carry. God, I need you so desperately. I know that I have messed up, sinned, failed, disappointed, and ignored your kingdom. Jesus, please hear me and listen when I call out to you. Intercede for me, I need you to be made whole.
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January has been so full of life, and celebrating, and birthday, and learning, and growth. But this is also the time where the reality begins to seep in and remind us that there is life after Fellows. We cannot stay exactly where we are in this playful rhythm of what is “right now”, forever. That’s where the pressure comes in. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. The unbearable weight of meaning making becomes so heavy when we assign ourselves the task of creating a perfect structure, the perfect job, the perfect life- on our own.
Yet, even when we are not strong enough to lift the weight of our own desires or expectations of ourselves, when we fail to process or respond healthily, when we let people down. When things don’t go the way we plan. The smallest crack in our own weaknesses and hearts is wide enough for Christ’s redeeming power to enter through. Praise the Lord that I do not have to be strong enough to do life alone. Even if I don’t have the strength to speak the words I need or want to say to the Lord, I do not need to worry. Christ is here even if I do not feel steady— He is enough.
A prayer written today.
Jesus, you are strong enough for the both of us. Thank you that you are with me, and that you are the ultimate author of my story. God, I trust in you more than myself to make all things beautiful and whole. Lord, may your will be done.
Amen.
Love, Linda May