I, Jacob Currin, am at a loss for what to write about right now. In Spiritual Formation class we were tasked to write our own eulogy which was quite the endeavor. It was a very heavy and emotionally taxing thing to think about and figure out how to express. Honestly though it was a challenge that I relished. It’s endearing to think about how I want to be remembered and the legacy I want to leave.
I’ve always been a big dreamer, sometimes to my own detriment. Bonhoeffer warns in his book Life Together about dreaming without the Lord, so between that and a charge from Mary in class, I’ve been figuring out what it looks like to dream with Him. Truthfully, I’ve been doing a bad job of that and I know it. One of my prayers during our silence and solitude in that week’s class was that the LORD would “break my schemes of earthly joy” in order that I may find my all in Him. Well, he’s done that. It’s not been fun. Heck, it hurts. It’s like praying for humility and the getting humbled. Yes, that’s a good thing. But it’s by no means fun.
Back to my eulogy, I found myself focusing on the small moments. I mean, sure, it’s hard to know what big moments life will bring my way and frankly I don’t love the idea of imaging hardships as inevitable as they may be. The thing I focused on most was the kind or relationships I want to have, whether with friends, a spouse, kids, or the rest of my family. And it’s especially sobering to think about how I can prepare for that now. Like what can I do to show up to the best of my ability for the people around me, stewarding who God has created me to be. That sense of stewardship has stuck with me from a lot over the past month.
Consider this line the intermission because I’d like to come back to this with a cup of coffee to describe.
Update: I’m back a few days later with my resident decaf because its 3pm in the afternoon and I’d like to go to bed at a reasonable time. I have a love hate relationship with this coffee (*pauses to take the first sip) but today it’s a bit better than I remember. Normally, it was the most floral cup of coffee I’ve ever had. Like overwhelmingly floral. It smelled and tasted like perfume and not in a good way. Maybe it’s the coarser grind or maybe it’s the fact that it’s now quite old, but either way it’s a pleasant sip on this drizzling afternoon. It’s very clean with mild notes of white linen perfume and a black tea finish.
I’m once again at a loss for what to write about, but I knew I needed to work on this today so I made myself a rare afternoon coffee, turned on my candle warmer, and plopped at my desk with a soccer game in my ear. I’ve already in part talked about the coffee, so I’ll talk the candle and footy. The candle is gardenia scented, my favorite. Maybe that’s aiding my taste of white linen perfume on the coffee. In terms of footy, I’m watching Roma vs Napoli. Roma is my second team, mainly in part due to my former mentor Alex. When I still lived in South Carolina, specifically in my last semester and post grad, Alex and I would hang out once a week. We ran to the grocery store, checked out houses he was selling, and watched footy. One of my most treasured memories was drinking Italian white wine with him while we watched Roma win 1-0 in the Europa League against, I believe, Eintracht Frankfurt. This season, my beloved Arsenal and Alex’s beloved Roma have the two best defenses in Europe. And yet both conceded today with Roma doing so while I was talking about that memory with Alex. See, Alex and I both love our teams. Arguably too much. An Arsenal loss won’t break my day, but a win sure does make it. I often structure my schedule around when they play and I own more jerseys than I care to admit.
I look down at the shirt I’m wearing and ask myself the question plastered on the front in what is likely the handwriting of my favorite band’s (RIP COIN) lead singer; “do you ever love something so much it hurts?”
Arsenal comes to mind. So does coffee and a whole lot more. I could argue my love for Jesus hurts because of how often I am called to die to myself. However, I want to focus on what I wrote a few days ago at the beginning of this blog post. My dreams. Funnily enough, most of my dreams haven’t come true. And often reality turns out to be better than I could have imagined. One facet of that is definitely fellows. A few months ago, I barely knew it existed. Now it’s become one of the most unexpected blessings of my life. Funny how that works sometimes.
I doubt I’ll ever stop dreaming, and yet I’m excited by the things in my life which will see fruition before I dream of them. It’s often better that way.