Good afternoon from my office!
Yep. My very own office. Fully equipped with an orchid my boss gave me on my first day, a bowl full of mints, and three whole computer monitors all for me. (What’s a girl supposed to do with three monitors?? Still not quite sure.)
(okay this is my official disclaimer that what you are about to read is a combo of different parts of probably three different drafts of this blog that I’ve tried to write over the past few weeks. I’ve decided to FULL SEND NO REGRETS so im SORRY in advance for the chaos but hey if that ain’t life)
I am happy to report that Fellows ended and the world didn’t explode. I truly thought it would for a while there.
I hope this blog is two-fold: A brief reflection of Fellows and why I’m so appreciative of the 9 months I got to spend as one, and a peek into my summer!! Because I love updates!! And there’s so much I have to say about this summer! (4 different blog drafts apparently HA)
SO. About Fellows… :)))
I love attending an Anglican church!! Apostles has felt like a frolic in a field of wildflowers on a crisp, sunshiny spring day. Yep. It’s been everything I needed this year.
The connections Fellows brought me have been invaluable. Truly, I count myself blessed a million times over for this. Not only do I have a bunch of new friends in a city 20 hours away from my hometown, but I am SURROUNDED by people in the church who have changed my life in countless ways. Obvious people are the men and women involved in my direct Fellows walk - my host family, mentor, teachers, etc. But the amount of men and women outside of that circle who continue to reach out, offer furniture, provide mentorship, invite me over for meals, and have shown me what extravagant hospitality looks like in both big and little ways has felt overwhelming at times (in a good way). It’s undeserved. Heck, I have a job because of people at Apostles. PGFWABF.
So many places around Raleigh are covered in the sweetest of memories. I love getting to show my out-of-town friends local Fellows hangout spots. And when I first moved into my new house after Fellows and started my new job, I would drive around the city thinking “oh this was my old route home” or “look, there’s my old job!” and literally what! How have I been here long enough to have old routines and places around town!! So senti. (To be transparent I try not to think about this one too often because the nostalgia will get me so emo haha)
As a final reflection, I’ll forever be grateful for the ability to take a year after college and before full-time adult life living so deeply invested in a new city and church and community. I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world. Thank you TFI, and dare I even say President Snow, for the chance to be so interconnected in a million different ways. It was stretching and beautiful and confusing and silly and a year I’ll deeply miss and cherish.
OKAY YAY FELLOWS WE LOVE!!! Now for my life post-Fellows!! It feels appropriate to take you on a tour of my day (a week ago when I wrote blog draft #3 HA) so you can get a more encompassing picture of what life feels like these days, because that’s just who I am, okay??
(okay one more disclaimer before we start: I just need everyone reading this to know that I’ve never had a consistent morning routine in my LIFE and now I do and if you don’t have one PLEASE I BEG make one, it will change your life. okay keep reading)
I woke up at 5:30 and went on a run around my new neighborhood next to Shelley Lake (aka the most perfect place on earth to me right now). I hopped in the shower while Jenna got ready for the day next to me (yep, that’s right, Jenna as in my roommate Jenna, as in previous Fellow with me back in the day when we were Fellows together. And yes, we oft share time in the bathroom because that’s what you do when you’re both working women and sharing a bathroom. It’s pretty epic in my opinion, and I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me Jenna!) Then I made my morning coffee and my daily greek yogurt, granola, and berries (although this week I’ve been using figs instead of blueberries and I have to be honest I’m going back to blueberries next week) and sat down at our table (courtesy of Bryan, idk where he got it from but I’m sure glad he gave it to us) and journaled, planned out my day in my new daily planner, read from my morning devo book that Joanna gave all of us girls (shoutout Josh, your host mom is awesome), and revelled in the glory that is the best dang morning routine I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve never had a consistent morning routine in my life, and let me just say: I’m obsessed. It’s what I wake up for. Live for, on some days. Haha okay that’s so dramatic. BUT the point is, I love it.
Then, I drove to work where I pitter pattered about on my laptop and three computer monitors all day (again, what’s a girl to do with so many??)
After work, I drove straight to the YMCA. Another wonderful place in Raleigh. I swam yesterday :)) Sometimes I think I’d really like to do a triathlon. Then I swim and am immediately humbled at how quick I’m tired of it. When you swim, you can’t wear headphones. It’s just me and my thoughts. Which, typically I’m a big fan of an “unplugged” walk or jog. It’s a time where my thoughts can think and I can slowly untangle the chaotic web of hcndbbfsjhdasasfjvv happening in my brain. But there’s something about swimming where all I can think about is the swim and how many strokes I take before I take a breath or how many laps I’ve done, etc. Maybe that’s good, though. I sit in front of three monitors all day! Not including my phone! My attention so rarely seems to be focused on just one thing. Lola (another Fellow turned roommate - and if you think that’s crazy I got one more of those! Evy! And another roommate who was not a fellow! Maggie Mae! Oh how I love living with girls again!!!) recently has been mentioning how she is bringing back things from her childhood that brought her joy. Like a meal or a craft. I think I’m trying to bring back being present. Okay, maybe I just came up with that in this current moment as I’m writing my blog. But I’m gonna roll with it.
*side note: I walked into work the other week, and my boss asked me what I did the night before. “Oh, I went on a walk with some of my roommates and then we cooked dinner and watched a movie together! It was lovely!” I answered.
“Wow, so domesticated!!” he exclaimed.
LOL. and ya know what? Hell yeah.
I fear I’m quite terrified of feeling stuck. Stuck in one place for too long, stuck in a job I don’t like, stuck with the same everything for the rest of my life with no hope of adventure or travel or doing something CRAZY that I’ll get to tell a fun story about for the rest of my life. Geez. So much of my life has been beep bopping around to the next fun and exciting thing, both in the grand scheme of things and in the daily adventures. In college, when I’d be upset or anxious or sad, my friends would ask “Celeste, do you have any trips planned?” And 9/10 times I’d realize oh, you’re so right, I don’t. Let me look at my calendar and fix that. And suddenly, the world seemed brighter. Because I wasn’t stuck in the same pace of life forever - I had an interruption to my normal life planned. I think this may also be why my morning routine has been so impactful in my day-to-day. It’s a time that’s mine. I can wake up way earlier than I need to be awake and I can do whatever the heck I want to before I go sit in my office for 9 hours. It’s my scheduled moment of freedom before the daily work grind.
I find myself more restless than normal at work on the days I don’t have anything planned after work. Or on the weekends. (if you’re reading this and you want to take a trip somewhere, literally say the word and I’m there.) I don’t know why I say this. I don’t know if this is something I should try to change about myself, or embrace and keep finding the fun and the adventurous outside of work. I just know I’ve noticed that about myself since starting my new job.
Okay wait back to my day yesterday. After I swam, I went back to my house (yep, I pay rent and utilities now *insert cool sunglasses emoji* *insert broke emoji* *insert just kidding I have a full time job now aha… emoji*), made the waffle I’d been craving all day and sat myself RIGHT in front of the TV to watch The Summer I Turned Pretty. Aka the best thing all week. Not because the show is good, in fact it often makes me so upset I scream, but because of the experience. I get to watch with my roommates! And other friends! And this week Joe and Bailey and Bryan joined!! And we all get to be upset together!! And when it ends, we all groan and lament about how we have to wait a whole nother WEEK before the next one comes out. How prehistoric!! It’s so perfect to me. OH and I got to eat peach cobbler Lola made. yeah. I know. It’s wonderful. (again - “so domesticated!!”) Thanks lala.
To finish the night, I brushed my teeth with Jenna, went downstairs to the Celestial Jen (the den where Jenna and I live), turned on my candle warmer that doubles as a lamp, and read my book until I fell asleep.
I say all of this because yesterday felt pretty epic. And when I stop to write down my days like this, perhaps every day feels this epic in that light!! And there really IS a lot that I love about my life post-Fellows. And also, there are a lot of moments where it’s really weird and confusing and lonely at times and super scary and the feelings of “stuck” sometimes rise up so much that it gets a little hard to breathe. I’ve been calling my mom a lot more these days. And there have been weeks where I’ve called my mom and shouted with frustration and lamented my day and had to text a few days later to let her know that I had a good day and I promise I don’t hate my life but sometimes you just need to let your guard down with someone and I’m glad it can be my mom. You know what she texted me a few days ago? Here. Read it if you want. I shed a few tears at work when she sent it. Thanks mom :,)
She sent a quote that popped up while she was playing a game on her phone (lol)
“Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they’re boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says, ‘sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed’ - because he likes you anyways. He’ll tolerate your junk.” - E. Lockhart.
Then she said:
“This was a quote from my game this morning and it made me think of you. You seem to think I don’t want to hear all your sad, angry, negative crap, but I DO! I love hearing your good stuff, too, of course, but I never want you to think you can’t call/text me bc it’s ‘always’ negative. Sign me up! I love YOU! I always know you’re amazing and your life is awesome, even if you don’t. I may not be any help at all in those times, but if you just need an ear, I can do that! If you’re feeling guilty about only calling when things are bad, file that under ‘attacks from the enemy,’ and dial away. My mom fretted over my well-being bc I called when I was sad, but it was only bc I needed her and trusted her with my sad. It was so much worse when I realized I could not longer lean on her for those! But you can. I’ll be your trash can! Self-cleaning, too, so when you call again, I’ll think it’s the first time you called crying! I love you! Have a groovy day. Or a sucky one. I’m cool with either, bc that’s life!”
Yeah. You can see why I cried.
So there’s my blog. I thought I’d write about my two week trip to Texas a few weeks after Fellows ended, and about what the transition out of Fellows felt like and about what weird emotions I’m sorting through living two different lives (here and in Texas) and what I miss about Fellows and what I don’t miss about Fellows, but I didn’t. But for future Celeste who will read this in a few months and again in a few years and maybe again even beyond that, I hope you smile and look back fondly at this summer of your life post-Fellows.
Things I recommend:
Hiking Umstead. Trust.
Listening to Lizzy McAlpine when it’s 70 degrees and rainy all week
Playing outside literally all the time. I have discovered that my emotions have a direct correlation to how long or little I’ve been outside that day…
Going to the farmers market with Robin. And sugar baby watermelons from the woman who calls you sugar baby.
Shelley Lake. Some call it sacred ground. I agree.
Morning routines & waking up early
Going to bed early, unless you’re laying in Jenna’s bed giggling and reading your Fellows journals with all your roommates
GREEK YOGURT, GRANOLA, & BERRIES
Unplugged walks every now and then
Lake days
Reunions with old friends
El Saucito in Virginia, where Lola and I went to have dinner with her brother on a random Thursday night, that was the best
Journaling
Remembering that life isn’t about finding the right answers, but about knowing God deeper and deeper! I’m living life a little differently these days because of it, and trusting He will be near no matter the outcome!
Being faithful with the input and trusting the Lord with the outcome.
Alright, I’ll spare you. Thanks for being here if you still are.
Celeste