It is quite surreal to be writing my first ever blog post as a Raleigh Fellow. I have read many of these over the past few years and seen many Fellows go before me. Their excitement and joy towards this program has brought me immense excitement and joy as well— knowing that many are cheering and praying for me as I embark on this journey of MY Fellows year.
For those who don't know me, my name is Carsyn and I’m from Cary, NC. I graduated from NC State this May but have been apart of the Wolfpack since before I was born. I've had a deep love for the city for a long time, and I simply could not leave after graduating. I felt the Lord ask me to keep digging deeper here.
He said: "I have so much more for you in Raleigh."
So I said: "Yes Lord! You don't have to convince me."
Not only could I not leave Raleigh, I also wouldn't dare leaving Apostles. I have been attending church here for about a year and a half and quickly fell in love with the community and church as a whole. Once again, why would I leave?
The Lord has shown me over the past four weeks why He asked me to stay so clearly. I have many connections to this program way prior to saying yes, so there are many things that I have gotten to see behind the scenes before being an official “Fellow.” Prideful me somewhat went into the year with a framework that I knew what was going on, I had all the answers, I knew all the things, I could make the first day not awkward (spoiler, it is no matter what)... basically that I had this whole Fellows thing figured out. A whole bunch of I, I, I and I.
I was surely mistaken! All of my life I have been searching for a sense of safety and security. The Lord has been and always will be the sole provider of this. But often times I find myself trying to find this on my own— through my own understanding and strength. When things started to shift from the expectations I had on myself and on the program, I began to “crash out” (not literally, this is just a buzz word among the Fellows.) I had to uproot the parts of me that weren’t surrendered and scan my heart for what I truly wanted this to be about. I found that my Fellows experience doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s before me. Instead the Lord has already written my experience for me and there is no need for performance, pressure or anxiety.
The past month has been humbling, stretching and filled with gentle reminders that I am not the one in control. It’s been a blessing to be reminded that it’s okay (and actually freeing!) to not know or understand everything going on. I have found rest in this surrender and in the knowing that I am a Daughter of Christ. He provides! Here are some things He's done:
All of the girl Fellows are Swifties. We are working on the boys.
The love we collectively have for our dear friend Conrad in The Summer I Turned Pretty.
We are all really weird. I heard that's a requirement for the program.
Vulnerability. Even when forced through testimonies it is a blessing to sit and listen to someone tell their full story. The heaviness is purposeful as we get to see the full picture of what God has done and what He will continue to do.
All the back to back birthdays!
I really enjoy my job! This was a huge worry all throughout college but I feel the Lord showing me a path in my career. I <3 RHP!
Low country boil at the Parkers!
The Fronczaks. They're as perfect as perfect can be.
Youth retreat specifically Morgan dressed up as George.
Spiritual Formation with Mary Young and lectio divina.
Meeting my mentor Katie Koon! She is so cool and I'm excited to know and be known by her deeply.
3v3 basketball at Maddie Grace’s family's pool.
The way the Fellows ALWAYS show up. It has been hard balancing Raleigh friendships with my focus on being a Fellow, but they show up and are excited about the things I bring them too which has been so so so kind.
Zinchouse...?
Sweet moments with Jonah at N2N!
Ok wow that was a lot. And somehow I still left out so much??? Thank you Lord! Thank you that I have no idea what you're gonna do next and that my plan and expectations always fall short. All I know is that God is creative and what He has for me is beyond anything I could ever imagine.
Until next time,
Carsyn Gilmore