This month seems to have passed far too quickly. It was one filled with news. Nationally, the Cubs won the series, and Trump won the presidency. Locally, the Fellows attended a social justice conference where we spent wonderful time in the quiet (and not so quiet), the Fellows and my host family threw me magnificent birthday celebrations, McKenzie and I went to Spartanburg listing to Hamilton, and Thanksgiving came and with it time to see my family including my chubby niece.
In our reading this month, I did an exercise in Sacred Rhythms in which we were asked to think about what we want most deeply. If I could ask the Lord for my heart’s deepest desire, what would I ask?
I honestly don’t know. Well I know. Sort of…it’s really that there are far too many things. I want reconciliation and healing for a friendship, contentment with where the Lord has me now, wisdom for decisions about the future, salvation for my friends that don’t know him, knowledge to know how do be in relationship with non-Christians, stability, faith and assurance. I want life to pause for a second so I can catch my breath. I want peace because I know it won’t slow down. I want to know where I’ll be in a year. I want to know how to respond to political and social strife. All these and more.
I think I should be able to go through and rank these according to how deeply I desire them, pare it down a bit to highlight the most important desire or at least the top three. I confess I cannot. Each desire confuses me to no end. Lord, I have no answers. Relative to the number of questions, I have fewer answers than I did 6 months ago.
In all my questions, I’m learning to hold them before the Lord. If I can’t figure out what I want, or rather want so much that I am discontent, maybe I should ask the Father what he wants me to want (credit: Mary Vandel Young). Holding things before the Lord and waiting is not an easy task for my action seeking, driven-to-excel spirit. I have tried this, and it's not so fun, but I'll continue to try as it seems I have exhausted the other (more active) options.