Hi there! I am so excited to use this space to document these next 9 months and share what the Lord is up to. I’ve officially been a Raleigh Fellow for 3 weeks today, but they’ve been the fullest three weeks of my life. No moment is wasted here and that’s a great thing, though tiring as well. I’ve been blessed with great assurance and confidence in my soul that this is where I’m meant to be. The people here, the fellowship, the church, the thirst for God, it all just feels like a beautiful puzzle I can fit right into.
On Monday we had our first class, Spiritual Formation with Mary Vandel Young. Something I love about the Raleigh Fellows Program is the emphasis on not only an intellectual understanding of the things of God, but soul transformation that only comes from actually being with Him. This particular class will be a monthly opportunity for us to learn about spiritual disciplines, contemplative prayer, and different mediums that lead us to the same place - a greater awareness of God’s presence that constantly surrounds us.
In Mary’s class meetings, we will have an extended period of time to practice silence and solitude, intentionally freeing up space in our often hurried and busy lives for the Lord to speak to us. I’ve engaged in this practice before and greatly benefitted from the change in daily rhythm - pausing to recognize how God is moving and breathing around and in us in ways we may not have noticed. Something Mary emphasized was not attaching any positive or negative value to what you notice; in other words, avoiding judgment. As an enneagram type 1 (perfectionist), I found this very difficult to do once I actually was being aware of the judgment I place on myself! I tend to go into times with the Lord with expectation - “Ok, I need to come out of this with some revelation about God, someone He’s telling me to share the gospel with, or some other grandiose takeaway, or else I’ve done something wrong and missed Him. I’ve failed.” Freeing myself up from these expectations felt super unnatural and uncomfortable for my sometimes legalistic brain. What do you mean I can just look at the trees and not think about how Jesus is the root of David fulfilling Isaiah’s prophecy, or some other theological concept, but just appreciate that they are trees and they are pretty? That feels wrong and like I’m not taking advantage of being in the Lord’s presence. I’ve been told I take things too seriously. I think (and feel) deeply - and sometimes can’t turn that off. But aren’t we supposed to have faith like a child? Faith that doesn’t know any biblical references to trees but just stands in wonder at the pretty tree? Faith that doesn’t try to make itself righteous by having great wisdom, understanding, and works, but recognizes its insignificance in the shadow of the mighty Creator of the universe.
In our silence and solitude practice on Monday, I reflected on how my faith often feels like a striving. A reaching for something I’m not quite able to get. What I’m striving for, I don’t quite know; perfect unity with the Father? A life without sin? Assurance of my belovedness, or assurance that I’ve done enough to “earn it”? Perhaps I’m reaching for a version of myself that I believe is good enough to earn it. Regardless, the abundant life Jesus invites us into surely is not one of striving or reaching. It is one of rest and peace and joy in His finished work. This is the phrase that stuck out to me in the lectio divina we did in class - “You will find rest for your soul” (Matthew 11:29). This promise sometimes feels unfulfilled to me. My soul feels anxious and burdened and still in need of saving. This leads me to further judgment upon myself; “Why are you unfulfilled? You’re not obeying Jesus by taking His burden which is light! Do better at giving your anxieties to Him! You’re a horrible Christian.” You get the pattern. So as I enter into this year as a Fellow, maybe I can focus on recognizing judgement and letting go of it. I’ll even try to not to negatively judge myself for judging myself. I did get a lot of insights from the Lord during that hour of silence, but I also just looked at that pretty tree. And I got distracted a lot. And that’s ok. He’s a good Father with a fountain of grace that will never run dry. I don’t want my faith to be a performance, feigning perfection. I want to “boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so the power of Christ may rest on me” - 2 Corinthians 12:9 (my favorite verse). I think the more I practice letting my faith be imperfect, the more authentic and transformative it will be. That’s what I want out of this year. And I know I will falter often, and that’s why I’m so grateful for my Savior who seeks me and brings me back to His way every single time.
Didn’t mean for that to be so long, but here are some of my favorite things from September!
Jigsaw puzzles
Extra toasty cheez-its
DWTS (text CONNOR to 21523 🙏🏻)
Time with the fellows
My best friend Liv getting MARRIED!
My host family’s new kitten, Peggy
The kids at my job
Trying burgers around Raleigh
Audiobooks on my commute
Goals/prayer requests
Don’t judge myself/times with God
Practice active listening
Get in a workout routine
Cook more
What a month it’s been! I can’t wait to see what’s in store!
Caroline Davis
