Wait I Like These People

2 months into a 9 month program. 2nd blog post out of 9 blog posts. Wait I’m already sad, let’s go back to 1. Which is wacky because this time last month I was still trying to decide if I liked these people and this place. There is so much traffic, everything is 25 minutes away from everything, it was mid October and there was still no fall (I moved from florida to north carolina- i didn’t move up to have no fall again), and i still miss my friends back home. But hang on.. these people are funny. They’re always laughing. We do fun things like go to the fair at 11am on a Monday, randomly go to a WWE fight and sit in box seats and eat free wings and cupcakes, spend entirely too much money on coffee and food just to be together all the time.

This month was a turning point in my outlook on the Fellows Program. Once apathetic and kind of into it but mostly not really emotionally present, now house hunting with the girls and sad about it already being the end of October. I’m here for this. These people are teaching me a lot about what being a human is — having grace and kindness and joy and discernment, cultivating thoughts about the world beyond what i see on instagram and facebook, having feelings and not denying those feelings, understanding why you feel and what to feel and what to hold onto emotionally and what to let go of, realizing that we are not going to be everything for everybody but that we do have the freedom and the opportunity to reach further into relationships even if that means making yourself uncomfortable.

Everyone finds growth in where they are. And the growth that I’m finding here in Raleigh is something that I am so happy that I’m not missing out on. I’m so glad that my apathy towards coming to Raleigh didn't stop me from actually coming. And I pray that I would not get lost in pure socialization- as I tend to do- but that I would use this time to see God and get to know His person and character in ways I’ve never known- through these people who I now love.

Hey Raleigh, I’m here for this.

Amy

House Hunting

I’ve been in Raleigh for approximately 53 days and I have already had my eyes peeled on the tiny homes with twinkly lights in sweet little neighborhoods. I’ll drive to destinations and point my fingers to porches that feel like they could be my own next year. I envision what it will be like to have a yard for bonfires and porches that facilitate conversation. It’s like I am slightly trying to fulfill this dream of being Joanna Gaines and HGTV needs to hire me for Fixer Upper, even though I have no architectural qualifications.

There are so many clichés around homes. We like to exclaim that “home is where the heart is” and geek out around the concept of a “house becoming a home.” But aside from the aesthetic appeal of marble countertops, big comfy reclining chairs and king beds- we all have this innate desire to create spaces that feel like home.

It’s not the foundation of the four walls that draw us close, but the safety fostered within. The blueprint extends beyond logistics and into pillars that protect us, shelter us and invite us in. I’m sure we all have different connotations of home. Some of us grew up in cold spaces where families were divided and love was withheld. Others of us grew up in kitchens where we danced and sung and felt freedom. Maybe the rest of us land somewhere in the middle.

But I can’t get over the fact that home might not be solely in geographical locations. Maybe a home isn’t just an address we plug into Google Maps, but found in community and people. It’s the people who have the ability to unmask your theatric side that yearns to perform and allows you to walk into doors of authenticity. Homes are areas where our identities are formed and our belonging is reinforced.

These homes aren’t created and bought in one day. We have realtors that help us weed out the unsturdy foundations and deconstruct the lies. We have days and months of building that involve time and patience. We have inspectors that check for mold and other harmful factors lying beneath our surfaces. We have interior designers that create warmth and fill in the emptiness. We have family and friends that make the space unique, lived in, and our own.

I guess I am turning into a poet-loving-fanatic on the side of my house-hunting-career because I can’t leave these thoughts without another John O’Donohue excerpt about homes. (This is not a paid ad, but everyone should go purchase a copy of To Bless the Space Between Us. Or maybe you don’t enjoy poetry, in that case stick to Harry Potter or something.)  

“May this home be a lucky place,

Where the graces your life desires

Always find the pathway to your door.

May nothing destructive

Ever cross your threshold.

May this be a safe place

Full of understanding and acceptance,

Where you can be as you are,

Without the need of any mask

Of pretense or image.

May it be a house of courage,

Where healing and growth are loved,

Where dignity and forgiveness prevail;

A home where patience of spirit is prized,

And the sight of the destination is never lost

Though the journey be difficult and slow.

May there be a great delight around this hearth.

May it be a house of welcome

For the broken and diminished.

May you have the eyes to see

That no visitor arrives without a gift

And no guest leaves without a blessing.”

What if we invited people into our homes and life? What if we welcomed and dwelled and loved without pretense? What if our doors were never locked? What if we tossed our masks at the doorstep? What if our lives became windows that were open and honest and our faith became brick that was sturdy and True?

all the LOVE! -Emily Magnus

Through My Eyes

The first two months of fellows, a perspective (in one second snippets) by Laura Merten.

Pilot Episode

If you know me, then you know that procrastination is a theme in my life. If you don’t know me, then look at the date this blog was posted because it was due yesterday (whoops...sorry Ashley haha). I don’t procrastinate out of spite; however, more often than not, it’s because of my forgetfulness and my slow-and-steady-wins-the-race nature. I tend to move especially slower when it comes to things that require more thought. It takes me a while to process and organize ideas in my mind. However, I do have a couple of thoughts that I’ve come up with this past month that I’ve laid out for y’all :)

This past week, aka yesterday during the 8:30am service, I heard a sermon in which the pastor touched on ways marketing relates to our walks with Jesus. He said that there’s a marketing technique used called FUD: fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Truly I don’t really remember what he said afterwards, but I know that those three words sums up how I feel going in to this year. My biggest hope for this year is that those words shift to something different.

I’ve realized that I have all of this “stuff” to unpack and uncover from college. I thought I was going into this year completely free of any burden or weight. But the reality is, my experiences in college have shaped me in a lot of different ways, many good and many not so good . It took me all four years of college to unpack my experiences from high school. During my time in college, I figured out more of who I was and where the LORD was in the midst of my high school season. I am afraid unpacking college to some degree because unpacking can painful and hard. I mean some of us, myself included, hate unpacking so much we would hire people to do it for us if we could (which we can do but apparently it’s irresponsible to pay someone to unpack your belongings..idk) However, it’s the only way to make a house a home, so I’m ready to be like Chip and Joana, unpack, and decorate the house I’m living in this season. Speaking of the house i’m living in, HUGE shoutout to the Whited’s by the way for their graciousness and hospitality. This next year is going to be a year of growth, but also a year of healing, as I reflect on my time in college.

To conclude, I told the Fellows a story which I think was very formative to who I am today. About a month ago, I was frustrated at a lot of things, I won’t go in to detail because this blog post will never end lol, and I was angry at the LORD. It felt like He had abandoned me and wasn’t hearing me. One day, as I was on my way to work, my car ran out of gas at a left turn at an intersection with the nearest gas station being about 0.25 miles away. Embarrassingly, I got out of my car and started pushing this heavy car on a protected left turn. I was fuming, furious at God because He was truly the only person I could blame for my idiocy. Just then, magically, the car got lighter and I thought that the LORD put some gas in my car… but then I shortly realized two Mormon men had gotten off their bikes and were pushing my car with me.

I tell that story for two reasons. First, the LORD is faithful and He will show up regardless of how I feel about Him. Because that is just who He is. If that’s not the Gospel, I don’t what is *weeps. Just like how He showed up when I needed him to, I am positive that the LORD will show up this year as well, and I am excited to meet Him where He’s at this time. Second, the LORD showed up in the form of two Mormons helping me push this heavy car. Community is something I dread yet I know that God can and will do amazing things through other people. I’m nervous but also excited to go into this year with ten other guys and girls trying to figure out adulthood. We can be each other’s car pushing Mormons as we learn to love one another deeper, in turn learn to love others and most importantly learn to love God deeper.

Join me on the next episode! Tune in a month haha!

Jun.

First month in Raleigh

September 30, 2018

Its crazy for me to think that nearly a month has already gone by in this new journey. It still feels like yesterday when I left Illinois to drive all the way to Raleigh. When I first arrived, I was most definitely a little nervous. How could I not be, I was going to a new place where I knew hardly anyone. In a way, it felt like the first day of college all over again. It was definitely an adjustment, but it took very little time for me to start to see Raleigh as a second home. I feel extremely blessed to be apart of the program with such wonderful godly people. It has most definitely been a lot of bonding packed into very little time, and I have enjoyed every second of it. As we near our first month together as Fellows, I feel like I have had time to adjust to my new schedule. This has allowed to to take time and think about what it is that I truly hope to accomplish with my time here. I truly believe that God has put me here for a reason, but I am not fully certain what that reason might be. However, I know that I want to make the most of my time here by investing in the relationships that God has put in front of me. I'm very excited for the coming months, and I am excited to be doing this program with 10 incredible people!

Josiah Lindquist

Raleigh the Sequel: Ch. 1

Four years ago I moved to Raleigh, NC to begin my time as an undergraduate at NC State (Go Pack!). I was nervous about leaving VA, but so excited for this next chapter in my life. I expected to make great friends, learn lots of things, and grow as a person. What I didn’t expect was to fall in love with this city! Raleigh has become a second home to me and I don’t want to leave.

Just under a month ago, I began the next chapter in my Raleigh adventures. Myself along with 10 other recent grads strapped into this wild ride called the Raleigh Fellows program. Who knows what the full ride will look like, but I can tell you the first month seemed to jump from 0 to 100 real fast… and I have loved all of it!

I am not a writer by any means. This little intro is about the fullest extent of my creative writing skills. So rather than sit on the couch of my amazing host family’s house for hours pondering the different pronouns and verbs I can use to describe my first month accurately, I am going to step into my comfort zone and formulate a list. A list that will hopefully offer a brief glimpse into my emotions and experiences thus far as part of the Raleigh Fellows Class of 2019.

1. 11 recent college graduates + 1 energetic Fellows director = random dance parties, spontaneous singing, and good times

2. There are some amazing people in the world and I just happen to be doing a program with 10 of them!

3. Real life is busy. Time management is important. Sleep is magical.

4. I am going to learn a lot over the remaining eight months of this program. About myself, about others, and about Jesus.

5. My procrastination habits still haven’t changed since graduating college. It is 11:44pm on a Sunday. I just finished my homework due tomorrow morning and this blog post is “due” in 16 minutes :)

These five things in no way represent the entirety of my first month as a Fellow. However, I am tired and don’t feel like thinking of more things to write. Who knows what my next blog post will look like, but I hope you enjoyed this one.

Philip Greco

Moving to Raleigh

I’ve been in Raleigh for 27 days. 27 days ago, I was saying my see-you-laters to my dearest friends and to Charlottesville, VA, a city that had become a home to me after four years of college there. The idea of leaving Charlottesville was incredibly intimidating; I’ve said a lot of goodbyes throughout my life, since I spent most of my childhood moving around, and I didn’t want to leave the people and city that I love. At the same time, I was looking forward to starting Raleigh Fellows, and I know so very clearly that the Lord called me to Raleigh for this year.

While adjusting to this new place and new group of people has been really hard, and I’ve felt sad, insecure, and afraid quite often, there has been so much goodness here. I’ve had lots of sweet time with the other fellows. I have cheered on the hoos at the UVA vs NC State football game and then gone “birding” (electric scooters!) through the NC State campus with Philip and Daylon. I have enjoyed many a game night at host family houses and spent hours talking on the Crutchfield’s patio. We have celebrated Emily’s birthday at Watts & Ward and watched “This is Us” at the Boultons.

How special it was to walk into a community of people that wanted to know and love and support me. My mentor Meg is so very kind and thoughtful (and a very speedy walker!! If y’all plan on walking, expect a workout!), and my host family the Wileys are wonderful and welcoming (and had four puppies when I got there, although they have sadly all flown the coop). Ashley Crutchfield loves Jesus dearly and cares deeply for all of us.

Moving to Raleigh has been hard, but the Lord has also provided goodness here. The sweet moments don’t erase the sadness, and the sadness doesn’t negate the sweetness. I’m living in the tension between gratitude and grief, trusting that God is with me and is working in our dear Fellows community. I can’t wait to see how He moves in and through us this year!

~ Sarah

Letting beginnings begin

Hi! We are so glad you decided to take a gander at all of our scattered thoughts and fun feelings! The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind but it’s been so fun to start to get to know everyone and jump into community. We all come to you from different places, families, friend groups, and seasons of life. We are all still a little unsure of why we’re here and what we want out of this year. But for some reason, the Lord wanted this beginning for each of us. He saw an inner light within each of us that was waiting to be seen and fueled. So here we are. All 11 of us. With different purposes and different lights. John O’Donohue in one of his poems says “shelter and energy come alive when a beginning is embraced,” and my prayer for each of us is that we would embrace this beginning so that the possibilities and excitement can have room to grow and flourish and ultimately provide us a shelter and energy in our new home of Raleigh. It’s a little hard to end our college stage because of how many memories and friendships were made and nourished. But walking into this new home was like walking into a hug. I am so thankful for the community of Apostles and our host families for welcoming us with endless hello’s and meals and laughs. Stay tuned for how this beginning turns into chapter 2 and so on until the fruition of this year is revealed!

It is a Blessing

         I am not really good at small talk.  I think it is one of my least favorite things in the world.  It is funny that I say that because this past month I have engaged in more conversations about the weather than I can count.  For some reason, the LORD has placed me in a new city that is filled with opportunities for small talk.  It is interesting I feel this way because God listens to my small talk all the time.  I don’t know if he likes it or not but he definitely listens when I ramble on to him about little things bothering me throughout the day.  This past month he has listened to me complain about how bad the traffic is, the amount of sleep I should have gotten, and how hot the weather has been.  While it is comical how minute these complaints are they usually lead to conversations that are deeper than I ever expected.  That is how I would explain this first month in Raleigh.  I have had meetings with new friends, old friends, mentors, and pastors.  Most of the meetings start out small, but then lead to deep fulfilling conversations about life, love, and salvation.

 I don’t know why I am here or what I am doing really but I know it is a blessing.  I look around at times and smile because there is a peace knowing that God is in control.  There is little room to stress or worry when what you are doing is not for yourself.  I have been able to engage in small talk that has laid foundations for life-long relationships.  I definitely miss my old friends, family, and life I had in the mountains.  But there is a peace that is beyond compare knowing that the plan you are a part of is not your own. 

So, I’ll I try and get better at small talk and see what the Lord makes of it.

• Alex

Almost a monthaversary

Next week marks one month since the Fellows program started, and my goodness it’s been quite the month! We went to the beach for 3 days, had a dance party, went to the White Water Center in Charlotte, made some music videos, started class, started jobs, laughed a ton, and started to see what it looked like to be vulnerable with one another. So much has happened that it’s hard to know where to start, but here’s a few things that I’ve learned thus far:

1.      Every group of friends has different dynamics that you have to figure out. Joining a new group of people means learning how each other work, and it’s possible to have a much different role in one group of friends than another.

2.      Getting to share an in-depth testimony (~45 minutes to an hours worth of talking) is one of the craziest, strangest, most FREEING things I have ever done. Vulnerability is tough, but I have seen the Holy Spirit work so clearly through it that I cannot deny its power any longer. Community and true, deep friendship/community requires truth and vulnerability.

3.      Being new at a job is tough and weird. It’s easy to feel out of place, and it also requires getting to know another set of people and the personalities they bring along with the dynamics they cast.

4.      Busyness requires that I take advantage of times of quiet to rest in the Lord, and I am really bad at taking advantage of those times. I want to grow in that this year.

5.      Racquetball is FUN.

6.      Living with a host family is the best, and it demonstrates to me the service-oriented and loving heart that Jesus has, and how He chooses to show that through other people.

7.      Any life transition brings difficulties, no matter how many good and beautiful things may be a part of it as well.

8.      Living in the present is essential to learning and growing the most, but it is also one of the most difficult things to do. Living in the past or future is often so much easier for my mind to take hold of.

I’ve learned and am still learning so much more than that, but I hope that can give a glimpse into what this past month has been like. I’m so excited to continue developing friendships with the 10 others in my program, and to continue growing in community together – keep praying for us!

Rachel

New City, Same Me

During my college career, I worked a part-time job at JMU’s student union—go dukes. One shift a week, I would sit in a small booth on the basement floor facilitating the renting of pool balls and board games to any college kid that wanted to play. While the job was great, it offered a lot of down time to browse the internet. Naturally, my senior year shifts often entailed googling what I should do with my life post-grad. It was in these shifts that I stumbled upon reading more on the Fellows program, which I had heard of from friends of friends. In that semi-stinky booth I distinctly remember reading this very Raleigh Fellows blog, intrigued on what many past fellows had to say about the program. So, if you’re a senior in college wondering what you should do with your life while sitting at your part-time student union job—welcome! I’ve been there. Who knows, maybe this is a sign that you will be writing one of these posts in a year.

I really did not know what to expect coming to Raleigh. I found it difficult to articulate what I would be doing in the Fellows program when people asked me questions about post-grad. At the end summer I felt an odd tension of being ready and eager to move to North Carolina and experience the Raleigh Fellows, but also becoming more and more nervous as the date drew near. The evening I arrived in Raleigh, I pulled up to the Daniel’s home and as I walked up the drive, they opened the door and immediately welcomed me in. After they so graciously helped me move in, Spencer asked if pizza was okay for dinner. I knew I was in the right place (pizza is a love language, right?). The past 3ish weeks in Raleigh have just offered more comforting moments of knowing I am in the right place. It’s moments like when the Daniel’s continually invite me into their lives and make me feel right at home. When the Fellows went on our beach orientation retreat and “Yeah!” by Usher came on and we (well okay, maybe mostly me) came alive in dancing and singing together. Eating dinner with my mentor, Laura and having such easy, fun conversation over some dank grilled cheese. Going on mom walks with the Fellows ladies (thankfully, walking is an agreed upon fave hobby) and having meaningful conversation with each of them. Making weekly Triller music videos at Roundtable (even though we missed last week, sorry to the fans). How the Crutchfield’s have invited us not only into their home, but their lives as well. Playing games at the Byron’s, especially the most intense game of spoons I have maybe ever been a part of. It’s moments like these and many more that make me so excited to see what the rest of these 9 months will hold.

Our book for Family Systems Theory, To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue says it quite well, “There is nothing to fear in the act of beginning. More often than not it knows the journey ahead better than we ever could.” I am thankful we trust a God that knows our journey ahead better than we ever could. Here’s to a great year! 

Xoxo

Lauren Brawley

How Did This Turn Into A Memoir, I Just Moved Here?

Alternative Title: Why Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

The first day I came to Raleigh I ate ice cream three times. Despite the risk of becoming known as The Girl Who Is Overly Obsessed With Ice Cream too early in my fellows career, I am here to share with you all of my favorite ice cream experiences in Raleigh. I am quickly becoming an expert- by which I mean self proclaimed expert as no one else has called me that - on the best ice cream places in town.  

By the end of the summer, it was definitely time me to move to Raleigh. I had started declaring every day “take your daughter to work day” and showing up to my mom’s office unannounced. Most days I tried to convince her to leave work to either take me to get my nails done or, you guessed it, eat ice cream with me, despite the fact that my mom is a vegan. Also, I had visited Raleigh this summer on a trip where my boss took me to The Howling Cow Creamery, so I was pretty sure I was going to like Raleigh.

But, the day I moved down I was a freaking mess. Thankfully, Grandma Dot and Granddaddy Bob (who has quickly become a local legend)  live close to Raleigh and took me in when I showed up at their doorstep the night before the program started. They played a few rounds of monopoly deal with me, which was great until my grandma told me that I had unleashed a monster in her. One piece of advice: when your grandma becomes a monster, it’s really time to get your act together and get on the road.

When I pulled up to the Dotson’s house, they warmly welcomed me into their home, they helped me move in, provided truly everything I needed and understood that I was likely to burst into tears at any given moment. They even offered me ice cream - twice.

On our orientation retreat, while writing our fellows covenant, my fellow fellow Alex Gilleland called me out on using one too many bank references as analogies for our relationship with the Lord. That was when I decided it was really time to stop reliving my undergrad economics days, stop listening to “Old Friends” and “Stop this Train” (both of which are worth the listen) on repeat and embrace what this new season has to offer.

For all the people that knew me at UVA, they knew it was always a mystery where my next meal was going to come from. That is 100% still true but as I’ve done some reflecting, I have some people to thank that I haven’t gone hungry yet. One of my first impressions of the program was how many people from Church of the Apostles invest so much into the fellows, and how overwhelmed with gratitude I was that they would do it for me. So here’s to the people and places that have fed me (honestly both physically and spiritually), made Raleigh feel like home in only twenty-one days and have made the Fellows Program come alive for me.

The Dotsons

Aselya has quickly become my partner in crime in all things ice cream eating and Enneagram “nine”-ing, I mean just look, the girl is so innovative, she eats her ice cream with a straw when it starts to melt so none of it goes to waste. She’s gonna save the world some day. Ann has prepared almost every meal for me, nurtured me, cared for me as her own. Jim has understood me, has engaged with me and asked me good questions, has made me feel like a part of the family. Hunter and I have about eight more months to start acknowledging each other at the gym. And the Dotsons introduced me to Black List which is now a Monday tradition- so they have certainly changed me for the better. I am grateful for the months I get to live with them, it is truly a gift.

Ashley Crutchfield

The first thing I heard about the Raleigh Fellows Program was that Ashley Crutchfield is awesome. And it’s impossible to overstate. I’ve already started taking Ashley’s open door policy liberally (my apologies to Mr. & Mrs. Butler to whom I have shown up unannounced maybe more than once). I told my friends this summer that the Crutchfield’s had ALREADY made me so welcomed in their house, that it was so exciting to have an older mentor whose life and ministry is centered around opening their family - the beauty and even the brokenness. The Crutchfields are an example to us all of love and grace and a freaking good time.

The McGinity’s

Megan is my mentor, and when I read her description of what she likes to do, I truly thought I was reading my own. The first time I showed up at her door she fed me and I poured out my life to her and now I think she knows me better than I know myself. I think I am the luckiest fellow in the world that I get to hang out with Megan this year AND her three daughters Lillie, Mary Hardin and Cate who make me melt every time I see them.

The Byrons

Chris Byron interviewed me for the program and I knew I was talking to the coolest person ever. But little did I know I was talking to someone who would take spoons as seriously as I did, would invite me to zumba with him as his mid-life crisis hobby, who I would share ice cream and croquet with. Chris’ wife Pauline might also just be tied with Chris for Coolest Person Ever, so it’s a good thing they are married. She is someone who will go on five (!) mile walks with me and kick my butt, who will go deep and hold nothing back. Who will challenge me to learn more about prayer and about the Spirit, who can make everyone who walks into a room feel welcome. I am thankful for the Byrons and that they have opened their home and their lives to us.

MAMAs

The group of girls in this fellows year is incredible. Thank you to the committee that hand picked Rachel, Sarah, Lauren, Amy, and Emily to be my friends (boys, you’ll be featured next month if you keep letting us watch This Is Us in the Boulton’s movie room #thank #you). Emily has introduced me to my new favorite band, Lauren has taken me through the hardest circuit workouts of my life (#still #sore), Rachel is teaching me new strumming patterns on guitar, Sarah is asking me hard questions as I go through my EnneaCrisis of figuring out which number I am on the enneagram, and Amy offers to go to Madewell with me at least once per week, which should definitely be listed as the sixth love language.

Point of Clarification: No Mom, having kids is NOT in my five year plan.

The BIRDs

My rational brain fully understands that the bird scooters are a boom and bust phenomenon and are quickly going out of style as they dont actually solve any issues of microtransportation. I get it. But BOY are they fun to ride through town. And through the cemetery. And the church parking lot. And literally everywhere. And for a year that is supposed to have very little expenses, your money sure goes quick when you spend $0.15 per minute on these things.

The Morgan Street Food Hall

S/O to my girls at Carolls Kitchen who already know my name. That is friendship my dudes. I think I have walked over here during work more days than I haven’t. Make Your Own Lunch Break.

And, last but not least, the embarrassingly long list of ice cream places I have already ventured to, most of which I have been to multiple times: Two Roosters, Goodberry’s, Raleigh Rolls, Howling Cow, and lots and lots of Double Dunker. Thank you to all of my Double Dunker kindred spirits and supporters in the journey this has been.

Raleigh, you might be stuck with me for a while.

-Laura Merten

For a New Beginning

“In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening:

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.”

-John O’Donohue

You better believe I underlined, circled, and wrote out the word AMEN next to just about every word in this poem. Appropriately titled, “For A New Beginning”, Johnny here seems to perfectly package what every Fellow is feeling into pretty words and good phrases. I think a common theme amongst every Fellow and human that walks the planet is the desire of comfort and yearning to be known. So we choose to cling to the kingdoms and life plans we have perfectly curated for ourselves, but somewhere along the way we are forced out of the places that have sheltered us. For most of us, we outgrew our four years at perspective universities where we could escape the impending doom of adulthood and cling to fun, adventure, and year-long sleepovers with roommates that became best friends. After four years of learning what it looks like to settle into a place and build up a community, we packed up our cars for Raleigh and had to courageously enter into something new and unknown.

So here is to a year of new beginnings, to trusting that He who promised is faithful, and that we would all learn to delight in the process of stepping onto new ground and into new seasons.

peace and blessings,

Emily Magnus

What are you doing again?

Hey friends, family, potential future fellows, or really anyone else that stumbled upon this website on a random Google search for, “Things I should do when I graduate college.” WELCOME. We as a fellow class (hopefully everyone else agrees) are stoked to be here and have been welcomed, loved, and treated as rock stars since we started this past Wednesday. The welcoming week and orientation stellar to the max. Very much Oui, Chef. I am grateful for each hand that went into making this Fellows Program come to life. Thank you. 

I wasn’t really sure what I wasn’t getting into when I started applying for this program and to be frank with all of you I’m still not sure what I am getting myself into with all of this.  We just returned from our orientation retreat and it was full of laughter, karaoke, food, fellowship, late nights, early mornings, and bliss.  I would say the Lord has already begun to chip away at some misconceptions I’ve had about the program and has been molding me to hopefully what this year will have in store.

Why are you doing that? I had this question posed to me many times this summer when I would tell people about the program. People with genuine desires to want to know why and people who were wondering why I wasn’t going to find a job in my field and trying to move up the career ladder. To answer this question, I’m not sure why I am here. I did not want to live in North Carolina, I didn’t want to move to Raleigh, I didn’t pursue the dreams that I wanted to do. I didn't really decide to do to the Fellows program or even care about other options until Jesus pruned the vine and began to chip away at my (keyword, my) life plans. It's hard for me to even fathom being in Raleigh, much less a fellow. So, I still don’t know how to answer the question, “Why are you doing the Fellows?” Ask me again in 9 months and maybe I will have an answer. Until then, I will be listening, living, absorbing, and cherishing every sweet moment that I get to spend here.

Talk to you all soon, 

-Daylon Shaw

Letting Go

Yesterday, we arrived at Figure Eight Island for our final retreat, one last hurrah together as a Fellows class before we part ways. We’re not sure yet where we’ll all end up, but we know we’re losing at least three to different states, if not more. And last night, as the waves crashed just outside our generously rented beach house and the smell of Ashley’s chocolate bundt cake baking wafted into the living room, The Raleigh Fellows Class of 2018 was having a party. DT3, our resident beats master, was the DJ, with Emilee Paige Grissom as MC because if anyone is going to bring energy and life to a party it’s her. Elaina and Rachel tore up the “dancefloor” with moves that would give Beyoncé a run for her money. Faith successfully sang pretty much every lyric to every song that came on, a feat even more impressive when you consider I don’t think she ever stopped dancing. Hayes twirled and dipped Katie around until they both got adorably flustered. Dan and Chris, of course, made us all laugh as they confidently jumped, lunged, and spun like dorks, each playing off the other’s energy. Taylor slept on the couch close by because he has the coveted ability to sleep any and everywhere. And I sat there watching them all with the biggest, goofiest grin on my face. I was overwhelmed with love for these people who have become some of my closest friends. These past few weeks have been pretty hard as Fellows comes to a close. There was so much to be done, so much to plan, and so much to cling to as it slowly slipped away. But last night, watching my best friends laugh, dance, and even sleep, I didn’t have a care in the world. Everyone was 100% themselves and it felt perfect, for however brief a time.

This morning, my Enneagram thought for the day, as a Two, was an affirmation. It said, “I now affirm that I can let go of loved ones.” Well, that didn’t sound like a particularly good thing to do. Not at first. But I do think there’s a reason I read that thought today. Over the past few weeks, the Fellows have simultaneously spent a ton of time, and yet almost no time together. There’ve been conferences to attend, families to host, and job interviews to be had. But when we finally came back together yesterday, with no interruption in sight, it was like no time had passed. I can let go of these people, a hard, hard thing to do. Because we will, at some point, come back together, and I believe it’ll be like no time has passed. I don’t want to let them go, but I need to. I love them, but like all things that I love that aren’t God, they are meant to be held loosely. Holding things loosely is not my strongest quality, which I imagine is why that was the affirmation for Twos today.

Over the course of the next few days, we will affirm each other. Trying to put into words what each of these people means to me, and the beautiful things I see in them, is an insurmountable task on my own. As Taylor said to us Fellows at our closing banquet, “Y’all know what you mean to me.” I do hope the other Fellows know what they mean to me, because sometimes, most times, words fail. But—and I forget which of our class readings this comes from—where words fail, the Spirit intercedes. I think that pertained to prayer to God, but I think it’s apt here too. As I affirm each of the Fellows, I pray the Spirit will intercede for me, so that they can truly know what they mean to me, what I see in them, and how much of a blessing they have been in my life. I will see them again, in this life or the next. No matter where we go after we leave this beach house, we’ll all reunite in heaven. That’s the beautiful truth our Savior gives us.

~ Calley

Chow Chow for now

A glimpse into 9 months with these wonderful humans. Thank you for everything, I love each of you so much. 

-Rachel 

Love these people and this place.

Begin with the End in Mind

"There is a manifesto by Idelette McVicker that has followed me throughout high school and college and has taken on a much more profound meaning for me as a fellow. I am going to read a section of it for you guys -

“Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell. Let us be a garden for tender souls. Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God. Let us be a womb for Life to grow. Let us be women who Love. Let us rise to the questions of our time. Let us speak to the injustices in our world. Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation. Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide. Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love. Let us be women who Love.”

 To my host family, The Jordan’s, not only have you guys accepted me into your family. But you have individually accepted me as your friend. I feel known and loved by each of you guys. You are silly, joyful, and loving and have affirmed these things in myself. I love you guys.

To my mentor, Marsha, this poem describes what is strong and mighty of women and also what is beautiful and delicate about you. Thank you for everything.

To my work at The Green Chair Project, not only are you guys welcoming people, but you are creating space in Raleigh for families to be an extension of that. Allowing them the space to be the “table” where others may fest on the goodness of God.

To the Crutchfields. Not only have you literally welcomed me to your table through numerous round table meals but also on those days where I show up at 2 pm and linger until 1 am. You have no other choice BUT to feed me. There are not enough words to say thank you. It is the biggest honor to be mentored by you guys and to be friends with you. And I can not leave without saying thank you to Molly Crutchfield. You have shown me so much grace and patience, that which far exceeds any 12 year old I know….. because I was never once on time picking you up from dance. I am sorry.

You guys have embodied every part of this poem. I have gotten to experience the tangible feast of the people of God this year. The celebration of the life of Christ Jesus. Thank you guys for everything and most importantly thank you for teaching me how to me a woman that loves."

The first practice we did in MVY's Spiritual Formation class was writing an obituary. It was to reflect on our lives and to learn the discipline of "beginning with the end in mind." So it seemed only fitting that my last blog post be my speech from the celebration dinner; my last public declaration of thanks to the Raleigh Fellows Committee and to all the people that have agreed to walk alongside me this year. Simply because. It is weird to be sitting in that "end." I would have never thought in September that the end would be this sweet and equally sad. But this end really is the beginning. THANK YOU Raleigh Fellows, you have changed my life. Ashley Crutchfield, I'm sorry I didn't do more of these. Consider this my parting gift. 

- EPG

faith

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Oh how I have learned this year to step out in faith (yes ok its my name gr8 lets keep moving). I wasn't super sure why I was to do Raleigh Fellows, I just felt a nudging toward it that I couldn't shake and with somewhat shaky confidence, I moved toward it. 

I look back and see that the Lord did immeasurably more than what I asked or imagined. He has shown me that while yes, there are dry and hard seasons, there are also rich seasons and He is a Good Father that gives us good gifts. 

I could type out hundreds more words of all that I learned and all the ways that I was blessed, but I think I will just leave this: may I continue to step out in faith to what I feel the Lord is calling me to do, trusting that whether it is a valley or a peak, he will not leave me and will continue to bless me. 

-Faith Dunn

a time for endurance

It feels like just over a month ago maybe that I drove into Raleigh for the first time. And yet, my 9 months here is coming to an end. And as it does, Ecclesiastes 3:1 comes to mind, “There is a time for everything under heaven,” and for me, these last 9 months have been a time for endurance.

Endurance in a whole host of ways.

Endurance in a spiritual sense – as I’ve become aware of and fought the lies to entrap me and tell me that I am not beloved, and I don’t belong. As I’ve been prayed over and prayed against these lies. As I’ve spoken truth over myself against these lies. And newsflash: I still fall into lies. Mess up because I’ve fallen for those lies. It’s happened this week. and I’m embarrassed about it. But I keep preaching to myself the truth: I am not clothed or bound by the mistakes I’ve made, but by Christ’s righteousness alone. And I let that sink in a little bit. It’s true, and it brings freedom. But this is a process of endurance, it’s not fast, nor is it simple or easy. The Lord’s redeeming work is a process, but a beautiful one. And slow is fast, as I’ve wisely been reminded, so hang on for the ride. We aren’t riding a train to the top of the mountain; we are ourselves are the mountain climbers, taking one step at a time, and not wavering from the end goal.

Endurance in a relational sense – this season has not been particularly easy for me relationally. I came out of strong college relationships, and those people will always be my dearest friends. But this season has looked like letting go a little bit of those expectations. Being willing to embrace people that I wouldn’t have befriended in college (probably), and seeing Christ in them. This endurance has also been tied with my spiritual endurance – letting go of the lie that I don’t belong, and having the confidence to say, because I am in Christ, I do belong and I have a voice. And every other person here belongs and has a voice that matters too. I have also witnessed the generosity of the church community through this year – both generosity towards me, and generosity towards others — both have shown me Christ.

Endurance in a physical sense – This one perhaps informs the way I view endurance. I was a high school cross country runner, and despite injuries, never fully stopped running in college either. So you’d think physical endurance would come easy, right? wrong.  I learned that one while training for and running the beloved Tar Heel 10-Miler this spring. Running is not easy, and doesn’t feel so good. But mentally, once you tell yourself you’re in it, you should be ok. Well, usually. Unless there’s a 3/4 mile hill at mile 8.5 on the 10-mile course. But even then and there, as I dragged myself to the finish line from the top of the hill (which in itself was harder for me than the hill itself – go figure), I told myself not to quit. Even if I did a slow sprinter’s shuffle the rest of the way, I wasn’t going to quit. And so, I finished. Got myself over that finish line. Not fast, not glamorous (especially at the end there), but endured. And this informs so much of how I view endurance. Keep going, don’t quit, it may not be pretty, it may not be fast, but you have to keep going and not quit.

Endurance in the job hunting sense – yes, I wish I could tell you that I have a job lined up,  I’ll start June 1st, and everything is neat and clean. It’s not. I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m going to be doing. And as I’ve loosened my grip on my plans a little bit and given the Lord control, I’m a little bit less sure where I’ll be too. But it all comes back to endurance: enduring through the process and trusting that the Lord is faithful in that. That somehow He is refining me through the tedious process of writing cover letters and filling in my employment history even though the company also has my resume. He who has promised is faithful, though, and He will surely do it. So this endurance race, should have an end soon. At least a temporary one.

So here’s to endurance – the gift it is to know that in the pain, in the difficult times, in the unknown,that still He is faithful, and He is good, and He is in fact the strength in our weakness who Himself gives us endurance.

“being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have endurance and patience.” (Colossians 1:11) 

-Katie

Peace out for now y'all. Thanks for following along with my fellows journey this year!

Where I'm From

As my workplace internship for the Fellows program, I have been blessed to work at Ravenscroft School in North Raleigh. Not only is Ravenscroft filled with incredibly welcoming people, but it also incites hundreds of memories in me, since it is where I attended school Pre-K through 12th grade. For seven months now, I have worked in a place that feels like a second home, with people who treat me like family. I am not blind to the incredible blessing this is, and I am so very thankful to the school for the opportunity I have been given to work in such a place.

This semester at Ravenscroft, my work has looked a little different, because I am now teaching a creative writing class in the Upper School. So, for an hour most days, I head down the hill from Lower School to a classroom of four students and one other teacher, and I try to share what knowledge I have about a subject that has always been a passion for me. This week, we're on poetry, and I had the students read a poem called "Where I'm From" by George Ella Lyon. Then, they had to write their own versions of that poem, but talking about themselves. Crafting this assignment inspired me to, for the first time since I started Fellows, do a little creative writing of my own. I completed the assignment along with my students, and I thoroughly enjoyed it...

Where I'm From

I am from empty bread aisles with chances of snow,

From high school sweethearts still going strong.

I am from Cheerwine and Cook-Out.

From chocolate and summer rain storms.

I am from a bubble, a glass floor, a name that weighs on my shoulders.

From Little Coo to Mango to Calleykinz.

I am from “Bless your heart” and Falls of Neuse.

I am from privilege that the world will never let me forget.

I am from touch and heart.

From smelling old books, cracked seams, torn edges, quiet turns.

From fat, carb, comfort,

Gallons of swallowed pool water and countless softball sliding scars.

I am from Disney princesses, The Fellowship, and The Jedi Order.

I am from daydreams of kisses and swordfights,

From sharp sarcasm and thin skin,

From war and rom-coms.

I am from Iowa City, Branson, and Deer Valley.

From Eze, Spoleto, and Lancaster.

I am from duned beaches and Blue Ridge mountains.

I am from airplanes and wanderlust.

I am from Blue Devils and a pack of red wolves,

From Hurricanes and hurricanes,

Cherokees and pale, sunburned skin.

I am from contradiction after contradiction.

I am from a kingdom and the King,

From another world to come.

I am from my past and for my future.

I am from more than anyone could ever imagine.

~ Calley