The Freshest Start

Dalton Taylor

Hey friends and family!

As many of you know I committed to the fellows program very late and was blessed enough to snag that last spot just three weeks before the program started. We are now three weeks in and I cannot express the comfort I have experienced from the lord in this last minute transition. I was anxious, nervous and uncertain about why all the jobs I had applied and interviewed for just seemed to fall through in such weird and mysterious ways. Frustration was beginning to boil over. A week before I sent in all my application information, I received an email from a family friend saying the program had an opening last minute because a guy had dropped. In this moment I had two options. The first was to continue to follow these “leads” for jobs that would most likely fall through and be frustrated in what my purpose in life was. The second was to follow the advice of a former fellow we hosted when I was young and “stop being an idiot and do the program”. The straightforwardness was something that I needed (the enneagram 9 in me). So I had a good conversation with our director Ashley and I committed.

Romans 12: 2 says "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will"

A majority of my life I have viewed the start of new things as fresh starts to change/adjust to being the man the lord created me to be. However I never really followed through once I got to the feeling of comfort in whatever the new experience was. This verse in romans was read a couple times during our orientation retreat and has just continued to stick with me in these first three weeks. Of course I always knew the verse but never in the context that it had been explained to me in our first weekend as “new best friends”. I also took this verse extremely literal in that I wanted to renew my mind through the healing and strength of the lord.

This fresh start has been unlike any other in my life. I am so grateful for the 10 other fellows the lord placed in this program. I am thankful for the way the lord has provided me outlets for healing, growth and comfort. He truly works in the MOST mysterious ways. As I continue to grow throughout this next nine months I ask that you pray for our class, jobs, relationships and experiences. Thank you to anyone reading this that has provided financial support and guidance in such an exciting/nerve-racking season of my life. Something I can say I am learning is that the lords plan for our lives is so much more important than our own. I am thankful now that he provided me this program and this fresh start.

Until next time!

DT

Living in Answered Prayer

I think there is something to be said about friendship. In just knowing that one friend can completely change everything. To feel seen, known, and loved does something to us. A prayer for awhile now has been just that;  deep, intimate, hard, and real friendship with believers. It was also a big reason why I wanted to do a Fellow’s program in the first place. Community.

From the initial phone call with Kara Smith to talking to Ashley on the phone (a lot), I got the simplest taste of what Christian community COULD look like, however I had far too many reservations. Was it legit? I know it could be deep and cherished, but could it actually be…. fun?

In a little shy of my one month here I now laugh at that. Laugh at my prayers of asking the Lord to establish at least ONE friendship quickly and laugh at myself that I prayed so hard for the Lord to help me feel comfortable around groups of Christian’s, because I never had really been around any before. I also prayed for my guard not to go up but instead to trust in them. I laugh not because my prayer’s are wrong or that I shouldn’t share even what seems to be the tiniest of my desire’s to the Lord, but because the Lord continues to show me He is who He is. He is trustworthy. He is Provider. It is simply in His nature, it is also His joy in doing so. He is a God who knows the importance of friendship and community. He knew my reservations and so quickly showed me that He provides so much more than I could have ever hoped for. The past month has been filled with deep and quick friendships (praise God), comfort, so many giggles, and meaning. Thank God that He has abundantly more for us than we can ever hope and dream of.

I am thankful for the Spirit led and Christ driven people I have met in the past month. You guys have been reassuring, loving, dependable, bold, fun, and the absolute biggest answer to a long prayer of mine.

Emilee Grissom

Nourishment

by Faith Dunn

The last month has been stacked with transition, new everything, stress, and all other stretching things, so I am surprised to look back and not think, “I don’t know how I got through that but I am glad it’s over,” as I typically do in such stretching seasons.  

Throughout the past month I have felt so covered in prayer and reminded of truth. People telling me to take it one day at a time, people looking into my eyes (and I think into my soul) and asking me how I am doing. People encouraging to press into my identity as Christ’s creation. My host family having a conversation with me when I walk in the door.

This is not how I usually live in a busy season. Usually I rush from one thing to the next, pick up Chick-fil-A along the way, note all the travel coffee mugs that need to be washed at some point, and feel guilty that I didn’t make time to truly connect with my loved ones, hoping that a season will come soon when it comes more naturally.

I have laughed more than I can ever remember, and been refreshed watching busy, important people prioritize solitude with the Lord, a meal with family and/or friends, exercise that strengthens the body and refreshes the mind, hours of prayer, game nights that let you lose track of time, a night of worship, a simple night at home. These are the things that I used to consider luxuries that I have now observed to be immeasurably life giving.

As friends are starting to think about what they will do after graduation, they have started to ask me about Raleigh Fellows. I can’t exactly articulate what I love. Sure, the classes are great, I love my job, and volunteering at Neighbor 2 Neighbor is incredible. But there is something deeply soul nourishing about this program, this church, and the people I am surrounded by, and each day is like a little massage on my chronically hurried soul.

Month 1 in the Books

By Chris Fronczak

Dear friends, family, and whomever else may be reading this: thank you for taking time to learn about what is going on in Raleigh Fellows. We appreciate all the support from every single one of you guys as well as the numerous prayer that have been offered for us already. I would be lying if I said I couldn't see the affect of them on the start of our program year.  I would love to fill you in on a few things that have happened over this past month. Believe me when I say that I would love to fill each and every on of you in about every little thing that has happened, however there is no possible way to include all of that in this post so I will give a "highlight reel" version of that. 

It has now been just about a month since I moved to Raleigh North Carolina.  I packed my car and drove down to 5524 Kimbrook Dr. (my host families address) on Tuesday, September 5th and that date could not have come soon enough.  The last 3 or 4 weeks of summer were pretty tough being at home because most of my friends had either gone back to school by then, or had real jobs, or had started other after school plans of theirs. That period of time (and just this summer in general) was when it really hit me how important fellowship is, to have believers around you where you could bond on the common unity of Jesus Christ with each other.  Also during this time I got really good at explaining what a "fellows program" is.  If you are still not sure what exactly it is, then you are on the perfect website to find that out :)

Have any of you guys ever straight up drove to a totally new place, knocked on the door of a totally new house, and walked in with all your stuff to live with a totally new family that you may have talked to once or twice?  If so then you understand that it is not natural in the least.  It is not common to just walk into someone else's home and make it your own.  These were the feelings that I experienced that day. However when I knocked on the front door I was greeted by a huge hug from Pauline Byron and immediately was sat down and asked my life story before my car was even unpacked.  I knew this was going to be good for me from that moment.  To top it off, the first thing that Chris Byron said to me when he got home from work was: "have you gotten yourself a beer yet?"  THAT is when I knew that this family was awesome and that I would be just fine feeling like I am at home.  Fast forward a whole 3 and a half weeks to now and I feel comfortable enough to leave my clothes lying on my floor and to really be able to be myself.  I think on top of being hospitable, my host family has also cared for me as they would for their own children, as well as been a source of wisdom and guidance to me as I am trying to juggle meeting new people, maintaining old relationships, working, and being involved in classes and other program activities.  It has been a huge blessing thus far and I am super thankful for every single bit of it. 

On top of moving into someone else's house, the next day in the program, we met at our director Ashley's house with all the other fellows and were told that we were to become best friends.  So in two days now I am supposed to call a new place my home, and totally new people my best friends.  I wasn't as much overwhelmed as I was a little uncomfortable.  If you know me, I am not good at doing introductions and talking about myself in that way, not to mention I didn't want my first impression with my new best friends to be a bad one.  Well thankfully, after a whole day spent together meeting church staff, and other people involved in the fellows program I learned everyones names (the fellows that is, I still meet people at church who's name I should know) and felt like we were getting somewhere.  That night we all became more comfortable with each other as they stuck all the guys in a car together to drive 3 hours to the beach for our first retreat.  On the ride we found out a lot more about one another, along with many surprises such as Hayes' taste in music, and Dalton's part time hobby that he is involved in.  This was the story of the beach retreat: we had meetings where we went over rules and expectations of the program, but the best part was getting to play games and hangout with one another laughing and having a great time making inside jokes with each other (which some still live on).  So within the first few days I had been put in some different yet seemingly uncomfortable situations, however God had worked through each one showing me that the strongest way to hold relationships together is through the cross of Jesus Christ.  Now each of us actually are close friends and have been pushing one another in growing towards the Lord together while also taking time to giggle throughout it. 

Ok many of you are probably getting tired of reading this so far and I will begin to wrap it up, but I would like to highlight a few other things that I have learned or gone through thus far in a month: 

• My job: it is not what I had expected it to be.  For those of you who know, I studied Biology in college with hopes to eventually go onto graduate school in the medical field.  I have been feeling unsure about this path over the past year or so, and I figured that if I could work in a position for 9 months during this program I will be able to discern whether that would be the right track for me or not. Seems like I have drawn up a good plan for my next step right?  Wrong.  I was reminded in a rather hard way that when I make plans, they might not always be what the Lord wants for me, at least right now.  So I am working construction at a company called Hill Building Solutions (when I say that fast people think I am saying "hillbilly solutions" which would be an awesome company btw).  I am working with a man named Martin Hill who used to be a member at Church of the Apostles and has been in the real estate and construction business for many years now. Pray for this time with him that I will be able to learn what God wants to teach me. So far I have enjoyed it much more than I thought might be the case. 
• My relationship: I am in a relationship that is long distance as my girlfriend Mayumi is doing the Salt Lake City fellows program.  Going different ways and doing different programs seemed to be a terrifying, awful idea in some respects since we had each always lived 5 minutes down the road from each other in high school and college. However God has shown us each that He needs to individually shape us in our respective programs, while at the same time bringing us closer together in ways that only He can do.  People ask me how it has been doing long distance and I usually respond "that has been the easiest and best part of this so far!" Praise Jesus for technology and being able to see someone else's face on the other side of the country.  He has really forced us to have to communicate in a healthy way with each other, to fight to protect our relationship, and reassure one another that we are committed to each other constantly.  It has been a joy for each of us to walk through essentially the same path in different areas and to be able to share that with one another.  Don't read this whole letter and think that things have not been hard in any ways, but even if they are hard, they are GOOD
• My personal growth: I have already alluded to many things that have forced me to be shaped but let me just reiterate that everything that has happened and will happen here is to achieve the goal of shaping me into the man of Christ that God wants me to be.  If any of you have experienced God shaping you in that way, you know that many times it hurts, many times it is NOT easy, and many times it is not what we think is best for ourselves.  I have experienced all of these in 3 and a half weeks.  Pretty crazy.  I also know that this is just the beginning of this stretching and shaping of me.  I can see areas of my life that still need to be worked on and I have been praying that I would be willing to let them go to God as he wants to take them. One quick example is that for those of you who know what the Enneagram is *eye roll* it has been an obsession amongst some of the fellows and maybe even the director....As stated earlier I am not an introspective, psychoanalytic person so this kind of stuff makes me cringe and frankly I think it often becomes too much about us and less about God.  However it is a part of the program and I will have to commit to learning about it and using it as a tool to find more about myself out and how God made me. 

Sorry for the length of this post! I know so much has happened in just a few weeks worth of time, and there is so much more that hasn't been mentioned. If anyone wants to hear more I would love to spend time telling you and catching up.  Thank you for the prayers and PLEASE keep them coming.  I would not be able to be shaped into the man that God wants me to be without exterior support. 

In Christ,

Chris Fronczak 

I'm Doing Good

In conversations with my good friends, family, and mentor the question keeps coming up. “So how are you doing?” Three weeks in, all I can really muster up in response is a “good.” I elaborate on the program, the people, and my job, which really are all good. They’re great even. But of course I need to speak more of my mind for the people who care about me to feel like they know what’s going on inside. And here’s what I usually say.

New people, new city, new home, new life

There’s no denying that all of us Fellows have made a big shift in the past few weeks. We are surrounded by new. The only people we hang out with are people we just met. The city we live in is still a mystery; where to go on a Saturday night and where the nearest Chick-fil-A is are still questions that desperately need answers. The feeling of home, of comfort and relaxation, in our host houses hasn’t quite hit.  We’ve been given a new world, but we haven’t sunk in yet. Yet.

New normal

I was told throughout my senior year that the first year out of college is the hardest. Not sure how true that is, but I think it has some valid arguments. College life has been our normal for four years now. Before that, normal was grade school for 12 years. And now we sit in this place called post grad life, which really means real life. For the rest of our lives.  Our normal until. I can’t say that I hate it, but I can’t say that I’m thriving in it. Thankfully Raleigh Fellows is kind of a baby step into it. (So check back this time next year when we are actually in real life.)

I tell my people that if I had one of these without the other, it’d probably be easier. Figuring out post grad life alongside familiarity wouldn’t be as challenging. Going back to the school routine, even with a whole new atmosphere, would probably be comfortable enough. But we face both.

My “good” response is not a lie though. As much as I sound like a Debbie Downer, my eyes are fixed on something higher than my life circumstances. My eternal God is still the same. The center of my soul is constant and unchanging. That’s my comfort.

“But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.” – Psalm 102:27

So I’m good. I’m adjusting, but I’m expectant. And I think three weeks in, that’s a great place to be. 

- Elaina

PS: This isn’t my first blogging rodeo. I love my internship at Angel Oak Creative, and they let me post a blog my second week there. Shameless plug.

God is in the process

I've tried explaining to so many people over the last 7 months what I'm doing this year. Sometimes, I'd tell them that what I was doing was called Fellows, and I would explain to them the different elements of what I was doing. Sometimes, all I would tell them was that I was moving to North Carolina, or that I was going to spend some time working at a nonprofit and getting involved in youth ministry at a church. Not untrue, I guess. But what I failed to mention to people, no matter what I told them, was that at the heart of this program is community - both among the Fellows and within the greater church community at Apostles. From day 1, it was so evident that people were excited we were here. From day one, at the welcome dinner, it was obvious that the people who composed the "fellows village" were overjoyed to have us here, and already loved us. 

I've been here 22 days, and some days it feels like much longer (ex. I know my way to church, Ashley's and work without my GPS!) and other days the fact that I don't yet feel like I have a rhythm make it feel like much shorter. I'm learning to have grace with myself- rhythms are hard to cultivate, especially in a new place, with a new job, a new home, and a new community. It is a process of actively inviting the Lord into each day, and actively seeking Him in all things big and small. I also find myself becoming impatient with the time it takes to know others and be known by others. If only we could snap our fingers and be the closest of friends, knowing and loving each other well. But indeed, it is a process; and the Lord is reminding me that I need to trust Him in that process, and though I have a hard time being patient with it- I am confident He is at work. 

In fact- He is so definitely at work that I can pinpoint ways in which I have seen Him and been loved by His people already- in the way that Dana, my host mom, buys special gluten-free treats for me, just because; in the way that my Fellow "mates" already know my love for coffee (I feel so known in this way!); in the way that we have already been able to listen to and share testimonies with each other as Fellows; in the way that we've committed ourselves to communal prayer as Fellows; in the way that Ashley followed the Spirit's leading to pray over me during a conversation we were having; in the way that 6th grade girls have accepted & loved me simply because I'm their small group leader, and the fact they are beginning to acknowledge their own need for God; in the way that Pauline vulnerably shared her heart with me and asked me deep, genuine questions during our impromptu conversation; in someone giving us free tickets (& really good ones at that!) to the NC State football game; in Carryl being not only my "buddy" but also a familiar face at work every day, and asking me how she can pray for me; in Calley's mom making us lunch every Monday; in the way my N2N mentee already accepted me and offered me a hug at the end of our hour together (even though she was a genius and hardly needed me help doing her math); in the encouragement Rachel offered me before I gave my testimony; in Faith buying my chips & guac at Chipotle; in the hugs, prayers, and encouragement we've already shared among our Fellows group; and in the gracious hospitality, generosity, and love shown me by so many already. I could go on & on, but isn't it awesome how the Lord is already working!? (Oh, and I can't forget to mention- the way the Lord paired me with a host family that has the sweetest little dog :).

This year is about so many things, but I think one of the things that Ashley articulated so well at the beginning was that this year is not about performing, it's about being. College was so much about performing & achieving, and though on many occasions, I sought to remind myself that my call was not to succeed, it was to abide and to be faithful, I seldom took this reminder from head knowledge to heart knowledge. But, when I did the Lord was so incredibly faithful to show up. I so look forward to learning to simply "be" in the Lord and to be faithful to Him and others; I expect He will show up in big ways.  So here's to (approximately) 9 more months of growing and seeing what the Lord does.

The Lord is faithful, the Lord is good, the Lord is sovereign, and the Lord loves us- this is true, forevermore. 

-Katie

A Big Waste of Time

Three weeks into the Fellows program I am often reminded of a question that most have faced at least once in their life: "What's next?" On the surface, when I evaluate my current situation in Raleigh, I think to myself, "Great, Hayes, you have simply prolonged the inevitable" Eventually I am going to have to put a foot in the career path, pay for my own rent, and "grow up." Why delay what is assuredly to come? When I told a friend last year that he too should consider a Fellows Program he said, "Is that really going to be the best use of my time?" At first I was hurt when I heard this, but then quickly realized the answer to his question; no it will not be the best used of your time, not from a worldly standard. From the world's perspective what we are doing is a bit ridiculous: discerning this thing called "vocation", spending time in "Christ centered community" and pursuing youth for the sake of the Gospel will assuredly not accelerate one's career, or lead to quick riches. In an age that is about efficiency and success the Fellows Program without a doubt could be seen as a tremendous waste of time. Yet, for those who call themselves disciples, we are in a relationship with an ageless God, the creator and giver of time, who wants our hearts far more than our productivity; his call is to abide. As a Christian I am beginning to see the beauty, freedom, and gift that is the "inefficiency" of this year long program. Life in Christ is not about the most success in the least amount of time, but rather it is about investing in and pursuing  a lifelong relationship with the Lord Jesus. I am so grateful that through the Raleigh Fellows I am encouraged to pursue this as the foundation for whatever the future hold, this time is truly a gift. I have found that this program seeks to cause recent grads to establish their work, relationships and very selves on God's love for us that was demonstrated on the cross.  Perhaps this moment in Raleigh is not a waste of time after all, but the very best use of the days that God has given us. On day 20 of the program I am so thankful to have the opportunity to waste time getting to know the Lord on a deeper level in a wonderful community.

-Hayes 

A Newly Working Fellow

As one who studied English and Creative Writing, I tend to structure my writing in an anecdotal way, leaving it to the readers to figure out what I'm actually trying to say. Given that this is my first blog post as a Fellow, my introduction to the world of whomever out there wants to read this, I thought a anecdotal blog post was only fitting...

Pre-Fellows Program

“Guess what, girl?" my boss says. "You’re in Ms. Smith's class today!”

“Shadowing?” I try not to sound too hopeful.

“Substituting.”

It is my second week at Ravenscroft. I have zero classroom teaching experience. Ms. Smith teaches Kindergarten. For a moment, I consider faking an illness.

Thirty minutes later, I greet a class of fourteen six-year-olds as I try to decipher the half-page lesson plan that is supposed to guide me through a seven hour day.

“Who are you?” one girl demands. “Where’s Ms. Smith?”

“She’s going to be late today. I’m Miss Mangum.”

“Miss Mango?!”

I grin and tell her she’s welcome to call me Miss Mango if she wants. The other students laugh in that high-pitched, innocently joyful way only little kids can, and a couple of the boys pretend to eat my arm, because I’m a mango.

But at snack time, when my boss's son pretends to pour his juice over another student’s head, I tell him to stop or I will take it away.

“You can’t do that. If you do, I’ll tell my mom and she’ll fire you.”

For a second, he has shocked me into silence. No one, not even an six-year-old, has ever threatened to have me fired. But after a moment, I lean down to his eye level. “She wouldn’t fire me. I’m not afraid of you.”

“She’ll fire you!”

“Wanna bet?”

That silences him, but later, when Ms. Smith returns and I leave the classroom--all but sprinting out--I am still haunted by his threat, and by my less-than-professional response. I pray I never have to sub in that classroom again.

First Week of Fellows Program

Boy 1 is stabbing Boy 2 with a freshly sharpened pencil. Don’t yell at the children. Girl 1 is sprawled out on the floor like a starfish and refuses to get up. Do not yell at the children. Girl 2 and Girl 3 are yelling at each other because Girl 2 cut in line. Do not yell at the children. Boy 3 has just dumped an entire bucket of crayons on the floor. Do not yell at the children!! The rest of the class stands semi-quietly in line by the door, ready to go to lunch. The 1st grade teacher’s assistant appears in the doorway, and we lock eyes. Help! She immediately blows the whistle around her neck. The stabbing and yelling stops and the crayons are now forgotten, but Girl 1 remains on the floor.

I get down low so she can see my face, but she looks away. So, I channel my mother and say her name slowly, softly, and dangerously. She looks at me.

“I need you to get up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna!”

“Do you want me to move your name down and make you do a reflection with Miss Taylor?”

She groans and rolls over, pretending to get up, but a few seconds later, she is still on the floor. I walk to the discipline board and move her name down from “In Danger” to “Teacher’s Choice,” which means she will have to sit with her teacher and do a reflection sheet, and possibly call home to her parents. When I turn around, she is in line and looking at me expectantly, like I will move her name back up now that she has finally listened. I don’t. I just move to the front of the line and lead them out the door.

Third Week of Fellows Program

“One time, when I was y’all’s age in this very classroom…”

“Did you go here?” one of the boys asks.

I nod while one of the other students shushes him. Another boy starts to roll around on the floor, kicking his classmates. I say his name once, firmly, and he sits back up. They all look up at me from the rug, completely silent now. Listening.

“I was sitting at the computers, just like y’all did earlier. And I opened something that was just for teachers to open, and I clicked a button I shouldn’t have. And guess what happened?”

“What?!” most of the shout.

“They had computers when you were in school?” the same boy asks.

I nod again, trying not to laugh, and say, “I crashed every single computer...not just in second grade...not just in the Lower School...but every single computer at Ravenscroft!”

They all gasp.

“No!”

“How?”

“Did you get in trouble?”

“So much trouble!” I shake my head as I remember. “I had to go see the principal and she called my parents!”

“Tell us another story!”

“Yeah, another funny one!”

The bell rings to announce that school is dismissed, and the kids all whine.

As they file out, one girl asks, “Will you be here tomorrow?”

“No, Mrs. Stevens will be back tomorrow. I’ll be at the front office, though, so if you need ice or a Band-Aid you can come see me.”

She turns to her friends. “I wanna get hurt extra bad tomorrow!”

I laugh and linger in the doorway after they’ve all left.

~Calley

Certainly Uncertain

Uncertain. That’s the word that I’ve used to describe my life as the Raleigh Fellows Program is coming to a close. Uncertain of what job I’ll have; uncertain of where I’ll be living; uncertain of who I’ll be after this program is over. For some reason, the uncertainty of life has been pressing harder on me than anything else at this stage.

Mark 4:35-41 tells a cool story about Jesus and his friends. The story is that Jesus is tired after a long time healing the sick and being around a crowd of people so he asks his closest friends to go across a lake with him so that they can get away from the crowd and rest. While Jesus’s friends are sailing across the water, a huge storm comes up. As the friends are trying to keep the boat afloat, they find Jesus sleeping in the stern! They wake him and ask, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” Then Jesus tells the waves and the wind, “Quiet! Be still!” And the wind and waves died down and it was completely calm.

Can you imagine? You’re in a boat with your friends and all of a sudden you’re caught in a storm that’s so bad you’re afraid that you’re going to die. It’s all hands on deck to keep the boat from capsizing and you see one of your friends sleeping to the side. “Jesus, don’t you care if we drown?” I would have asked the same thing if I had been in the boat. In fact, I have asked Jesus that question, a lot lately. Jesus, don’t you care that my life is so uncertain? That I’m overwhelmed and apprehensive?

And then Jesus said to his friends, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

Before Jesus and his friends had gotten on the boat to go across the lake, Jesus had been teaching the people and healing the sick and performing all kinds of miracles. And yet in their time of panic, Jesus’s friends so quickly forget the cool, powerful things he’s done.   Just like me.   If Jesus’s friends could have taken a step out of the panic of the present and looked back at the ways Jesus had come through for them in the past, I don’t think they would’ve asked the question, “Don’t you care if we drown?” I think they would’ve woken him and said, “Jesus, please help us.” I see how I get so caught up in the moment that it’s hard for me to look back at the ways that Jesus has been there for me, which is pretty selfish if you think about it. It’s not all about me! It’s about Jesus and that whether I believe it or not, he’s in control of all things. And if I look back at my life, I can affirm that to be true. Yes, Jesus might be sleeping at times, things might get out of hand and life might feel overwhelming, but even so, nothing is out of his control. Yes, I still wonder, “Why did the storm come? Why was Jesus sleeping in the first place? Why didn’t he stop the storm sooner?” But what I am certain of is that Jesus didn’t let his friends down and he has come through for me every time, so why would he stop now? 

So now I want to say thank you. Thank you Jesus for friends who have supported me and loved me in the way I needed it most this year. For our teachers who sacrifice their time to share with us more about what your design is for work and for our life as a whole. For my host family who has sacrificed time and money to provide a safe space for me to come home and rest. For my mentor who has walked alongside me offering encouragement and wisdom. For the fellows committee who has worked behind the scenes to bring all aspects of this program together. For Ashley, who has been a bold leader as well as deep companion to us all this year. For the Apostles community for making us a part of the family from the very beginning. For nine months to spend learning about who you are and who you made me to be. I'm certain that we'll continue to wrestle through this in the lifetime to come, but we'll do it together. Thank you Jesus.

-Kenz

End well.

**Disclaimer: I know that most of my blog posts have been about community, but when I think back on this year, that is the area I have learned and grown the most in, so forgive me while I brag on my people :)

A year ago today, I was graduating from college (Go Dins!) 10 months ago, I moved to Raleigh. 9 months ago, I walked into a stranger's house and met 9 other strangers who I'd be spending LOTS of time with. But in September, I had NO idea what Christian community really meant. I knew what it seemed like from the outside, and I knew I wanted it. But, in September, I began to experience it, slowly building my own definition of community along the way.

It happened as Jessie asked me how I was feeling when she could tell I felt unsettled after a group activity on our first beach retreat. Or when Stephen brought me my favorite food for lunch, seeking out tough conversation that would eventually strengthen our relationship. It was Kenz and I's deep life chat in the backseat of the minivan our first night as Fellows, sharing pieces of our stories and our hearts with one another.

It happened as I learned how to navigate a new work place with Richie, and feeling like he was a safe space almost immediately, accepting my tears, questions, and unformed thoughts on those front porch rocking chairs. It was sitting in Starbucks with Mariah, praying fervently and believing in a God of healing and of power. Or looking at Gebbie's face as we rafted down the whitewater and knowing I wasn't alone in my fear. It was in the way I watched Zach begin to bring the group together from the start, whether it was over a ridiculous game of train at the beach or somehow getting me to a State football game... GO TARHEELS! It was Matty teasing me like a brother, but also showing me what it looks like to have a deep understanding of the Holy Spirit.

It was Ash encouraging community by asking tough questions, including "intentional hangouts" in our schedule, or always being willing to start a hilarious dance party. It was the way Spencer and Derick and Ally and Pete welcomed me into their family, always making me feel like I was just one of the Daniel's. Or Barbara sharing her wisdom with me, encouraging me, and praying intentionally.

It was Sam and the kids giving up time as a family and letting a bunch of loud, hungry people in their house every Thursday night. Or the Fellows alumni welcoming us into the family. It was the teachers introducing me to new ways to experience a God I've known for what feels like forever. It was a group of 15 sixth grade girls meeting weekly for fellowship and prayer as they begin to understand who that God is. It was a church family who stretched out their hands and prayed for us, making sure we felt known and cared for. 

And this all happened in the first MONTH!

So thank you, all of you, for the ways you have taught and are continuing to teach me what community means. I wrote a blog post in October about how I had been searching for the "easy button" for community building. But community is not easy, it takes work. And I have learned more and more that those tough moments are often the same moments I feel growth happening.

As I begin to reflect back on the year and attempt to "end well," there are many questions still left unanswered, many uncertainties in the future. But, I know that the Lord has used this community to give me a more clear picture of who He is, drawing me closer to Himself each day. And for that, I am forever grateful. 

-Carryl

Surprise!

If I could try and find one word to sum up my experience as a Raleigh Fellow this year, it would be the word “Surprise.”  This year has been a surprise from start to finish. I never expected a lot of things about this year, but then, I never expected to be in the Fellows program in the first place. It is this unexpected that is the blessing, the gift. The Surprise.

Last year around this time, I was thinking about and praying over my future and the Lord put on my heart this verse:

Ephesians 3:20-21 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

Praying over this verse, I thought, “Wow, I don’t know. I can ask and imagine a lot. How in the world does this verse work?” And you see, what I discovered this year is that, it is not that the Lord takes our plans and does more than we ask. It is that the Lord has his own plans and then places them in our life to bless us in ways we never thought possible. It is the very surprise that makes the gift “more than all we ask or imagine.”

And that is what I can truly say about this year. I never expected to live in Raleigh, to live with a family that feels like home, to have a community of peers that quickly have become “my people.” I never expected to work in Youth Ministry and then step into a full-time ministry position. All of this is more than I could ever ask. The truthy of the matter is this year has been totally unexpected. A Surprise - immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine.  

And as I look towards the future, what is after Fellows, there are a few things that I know and a lot that I don’t.  The cool thing though is that God is not done working. I believe He still wants to surprise me and I can’t wait to open some more of His good gifts. 

-gebbie

Why Every College Graduate Should Do a Fellows Program

Richie Rojas

Over the past 9 months, I moved to Raleigh, NC to start the Raleigh Fellows program. For those of you who do not know what a Fellows program is, then let me explain. The Raleigh Fellows program is a part of a growing movement across the United States called the Fellows Initiative. It is about a 9 month Christian leadership development program that aims to equip recent college graduates with the foundations to enter into the workplace. This mission is accomplished through many learning experiences like bible classes, mentors, work, personality and career assessments, and more. The goal is to develop a seamless life between work and faith realizing that all work and life is pleasing to the Lord.

Now there are fellows program across the nation, but I felt the calling me to Raleigh. So I picked up and moved cross country from Arizona to start a life in Raleigh. Little did I know the challenges and growth that would occur. So here is my reasoning for every college graduate to take a year to do a fellows program!

1.     Take the time to invest in who God designed you to be.

Over this year, there have been countless opportunities to understand and learn more on how God specifically designed me to be. I am walking away from this year knowing my strengths weaknesses, spiritual gifts, love languages, personality type, and so much more on how I work and function as a person. I have taken the time and effort to use the resources that were provided to me to learn more. Society has formed us to constantly thinking about what is next. We are always going for one thing to the next without spending the needed time to sit and learn.

2.     Develop spiritually with solid Jesus loving teachers and mentors

The fellows’ community is surrounded by so many knowledgeable, wise, and loving people that are looking to disciple and train us fellows. We have been gifted to have so many teachers and mentors through the program and church that share their life experiences and gifts so we can connect with God in new and enriching ways. I have walked away with so many spiritual “nuggets” this year that has allowed me to gain an added Christian worldview.

3.     Learn how to participate in community

 “Community.” This is one of those Christian words that people really never teach you how to do or what it looks like. We are all stumbling around trying to figure this word out. The fellows program places you in a forced community. We did not choose each other, but God placed us together to learn and grow together. Too often if we don’t agree or like somebody, then we choose to go elsewhere without engaging in the hard uncomfortable conversations that ensue with relationships. This year I was placed in a group of 9 people that I had the opportunity to develop and grow with. Life happened. Things got hard. But something beautiful happened when we pressed in instead of leaving, we experienced true Christian community.

4.     Get glimpses of what Christian marriage and parenting looks like

This may be a weird point to read, but is something so vital! Each fellow is placed with a host family for the year. This family sacrifices time, space, and money so that a fellow can live and be a part of their family. I was placed with the Boulton family. This family of four boys has loved me, taught me, and incorporated me into their lives. Most importantly they feed me!! But really.. I had the privilege of seeing how a Christian husband and wife love each other. I saw how Christian parents loved, discipled, and taught their kids. This family opened up every part of their lives to my many questions about life, Jesus, and every day venting. What a gift!

5.     Experience a consistent and strong church

Each Fellows program is based out of a church on purpose. I have practiced out of Church of the Apostles, an Anglican church here in Raleigh. Coming into the program, I was hesitant to enter into this church not knowing what to expect. I have been blown away by what I have learned. The program hopes to connect the value of church to the need of spiritual community. We as fellows get to experience every part of the church. We are involved with youth ministry, Sunday school, volunteering during church services, and more. I have come to really value going to church every Sunday and being involved in the many avenues church provides. I have come to learn about Church history and tradition in a new way. It is giving each fellow a backbone and context in church.

6.     Witness and engage the bottom lines of the city

This was a foreign concept to me before the fellows program and didn’t really know what it meant until getting to experience what the “bottom lines” mean. As a fellow you are engaged with community outreach and transformation. To view the bottom lines of the city means to enter into the needs and shortcomings that occur in the city. It is about developing a worldview that doesn’t look inward, but outward to the people and city you live in. How many of us can actually say we truly understand and know the bottom lines of our city? Through fellows, we are starting to scratch the surface of that. We get to mentor kids from inner city Raleigh through Neighbor to Neighbor. We serve every month through a service project that sees a need in the city. Fellows is teaching us to constantly see outward to our city and participate in God’s continual process of renewing the city.

7.     Lastly, you get to meet Ashley and Sam Crutchfield

Ashley Crutchfield is our program director here in The Raleigh Fellows program. Then there is wise and generous husband, Sam Crutchfield. This family pours so much into the program so that each fellows walks away changed and closer to Jesus. They seek to equip every person that comes through the Raleigh Fellows by carefully orchestrating every part of the program so it consistently points to Jesus. You will never regret getting to know Ashley and Sam. They make you feel like the most special and loved person in the room. They have an incredible ability to lead us well, but also get on our level. You will dance, laugh, sing, cry, hug, and realize through all of it that you are known and loved.

I could continue to go on with the many reasons why every college graduate should do a fellows program, but that would make this way longer than it is supposed to be. I know I am definitely missing a bunch of stuff as well that I could have added. But hear me say this, things won’t always be easy or perfect during a fellows program. That is just life. Every fellows experience is different. We all experience rough patches. But I promise you that you will walk away from the year closer to Jesus and knowing yourself way better. I have been challenged, stretched, and hurt at times. But all things that I have experienced this year have pushed me to pursuing and loving Jesus more. I am walking away so glad I did the Raleigh Fellows program.

Now you go sign up!

http://www.raleighfellows.com/

https://thefellowsinitiative.org/

Robots and Burgers

Hey guys!

Sorry for being MIA. Life has been fairly busy recently. But, to catch you up, I am no longer jobless! I have accepted a job as a vertical marketing specialist at a company called Dude Solutions. I know. What a name, right? But, Dude is no joke. They have been around since 1999, have around 400 employees in their Cary office, and has been voted as both one of the best places to work and one of the fastest growing companies in NC last year. Dude is a cloud-based operations and facility management software company. I’m so excited to start May 17th and if you have any connections over there, please shoot them my way!

Also, my time at the Raleigh Fellows Program is nearly over. My last day as a fellow is May 13th. Nuts. Time has flown by and I just want to thank you all so very much. Without you and your prayer and financial support, I know and believe I wouldn’t have grown the way that I did this year. With that being said, I want to send you off with one more witty, insightful and, hopefully, clever update. It is the least I can do. Literally.

Alright, story time. A man by the name of Steve Garber was telling a story at a conference I was at recently. Steve oversees an organization called, The Washington Institute: Connecting Faith, Vocation, and Culture. He started off telling us that he had just recently started gathering a small group at a nearby college that had a famous robotics program. All the guys he was gathering with were Christians and were working on their graduate degrees there. They would meet up in the robotics lab each Wednesday night and have discussions on several different things: scripture, culture, vocation, science, and how all are intertwined. One such Wednesday night, they were talking about robotics in our culture nowadays. Steve was leading the discussion and heard the door open behind him. He was in the middle of a sentence and concluded his thought a minute or so later. However, when he turned around to see who was there, he saw no one there. A few days went by and Steve met an Australian pastor who was on a sabbatical and was going to be in the area the next couple of months. When the man was asking Steve about local believers, Steve invited the man to join his group on Wednesday nights. They talked back and forth for a little and they came to discuss the location and occurrence of the meetings. Steve then confirmed that they met every Wednesday in the robotics lab on campus. The man then asked, “Were you all meeting up last Wednesday? I walked in on a group of 10 guys last week talking about robotics so which lab should I come to?”

Now, for some of you all reading, this is not a big deal at all. “Of course the pastor was weary! They were a group of Christians talking about robotics during small group.” However, my question is why is that so taboo? Why is a group of Christian, graduate robotic students who are discussing robotics in a robotics lab not acceptable? See, the point that Steve was making is that we as Christians have made our vocation and Christian walks as a make-shift dualism, if you will. Why waste time talking about robotics when you could be studying scripture and praying?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not diminishing either scripture or prayer. Scripture is God’s word and insurmountably important in a Christian’s life. And prayer is a gift from God that allows us to freely communicate with the maker of the universe. However, what I am doing is pointing out this dualism that several us believe, me included. That Jesus is not found in the hours of 8:00-5:00 Monday through Friday. How can that be true? See the reality is that most of us spend 45+ hours at our jobs a week. That is more time than you spend with your spouse and kids. It is more time than you spend at church and small group combined. More time than you spend sleeping some weeks.

You see, I find it crazy how we treat our jobs as a “necessary evil” instead of a way to live out our calling. From the beginning God created us in his image. God created and so do we. God worked and so do we. God rested and so shall we. And, the thing is, work was created before the fall. Therefore, it is inherently good and part of our nature. There is a reason that we as humans need a vocation beyond a paycheck. It is hardwired into our DNA.

You see, I have found myself being 100% confident that Jesus cares about my work and what I do at my job – however small or meaningless in my eyes. That when I do good work, He is glorified. That when I feel life is ordinary and monotonous, Jesus is working. That the work I am doing is bringing about redemption in our fallen world.

Another story from Steve: a man named Frans opened a burger joint. Him and his wife had been Christians for many decades then. His burger joint had become well-known as the best place in all the state to get a burger. His restaurant had received award after award for their food. One day, he was approached by some out-of-town guests who knew his story of faith. They asked, “why don’t you have any crosses hanging up? Or anything representing Jesus? How are we sure in your faith?” Frans took a second and replied similarly to Jesus does in the gospels, “Those who have taste buds, let them taste.” You see what he is saying!? You see, Frans had told Steve some time ago that he felt his call was to make burgers “the way they ought to be made”. How profound. To go about ordinary things as if unto to the Lord.

This brings me to my final thought: my work matters. That I have been equipped with skills and gifts that help me in my work. That my work is a part of His work. That my story is a part of the big story. That my faith in Jesus gives meaning to my entire life. Not just on Sundays or small group nights. But rather every day. That a belief in Jesus must create a seamless life. That a group of Christians talking about robotics in a robotics lab is glorifying. That a man making burgers the way they ought to be made is glorifying. That a guy doing marketing for a company called Dude Solutions is glorifying.

So now my question is how might you take part in doing something the “way it ought to be done?”

Thanks for the ride and reading these updates friends. 

Zach Kunkel

lean in

Overwhelmed. The best adjective to convey how I’m feeling as Fellows begins to wrap up. Fellows activities have somewhat slowed, but housing and job-hunting more than make up for fewer assignments. This is the 3rd time in my life the path hasn’t been well-lined for me: first just when I graduated in 2015, then this past year before Fellows, but this time is different. Going to Spain was a one-year commitment, as was Fellows. Now the pressure of finding something more long term feels critical.

Of course life goes on. No one and nothing stops so I can devote all of my time to job-hunting. There are projects at my internship, which will soon include passing off my duties for the transition. There are also friendships to maintain, some to build into next year and a few that distance will complicate. Over it all, I seem to be wrestling far more, deep spiritual questions than I ever have.

One of my high school teachers once pointed out to us the natural rhythm of life, that is, the almost universal pattern of wishful planning. Always wishing for the next big event. From high school on to college, then a job, marriage, children, retirement with other major events filling in the gaps. He warned that mentality leads to wishing our lives away. So live in the present, in contentment. Problematically, I have no idea how to do that for more than a few moments, and in the big decision periods of life, contentment seems counterintuitive.

I want a life not driven by checklists. The list in my head is too long to remember, but writing it down makes it feel unmanageable. And then my list of questions is daunting too. Unmanageable. Maybe the real issue here is my incessant attempt to manage my life instead of holding it before the Lord. I know from experience this doesn’t go well for me, and yet I haughtily seize control, insisting I know better. Leaning into the discomfort may be the better option, but I’ll fight with all I have until I’m forced to give up control. I have to remind myself my Father is giving me grace when he brings me to that place. If the best thing for me is to be close to him, and if I can only do that by letting loose my tight grip, then it must be grace that charges me to give up. Lord help me lean in.  

J. Nordstrom

Exhale. Rest. Inhale.

The month of March has been jammed packed from the beginning to end. It went from one thing to the next. Throughout the month though, I was constantly reminded how BIG our God is and how he is constantly fighting for justice, renewing community and individual people, and speaking ever so quietly when his children get quiet enough to listen. Wow… What a God!

Here are a few highlights from March!

We started off the first weekend of the month heading to Washington, D.C. for the Global Prayer Gathering for the International Justice Mission. Talk about thought provoking, prayer intensive, and freely feeling the Spirit move! As fellows, we were honored to enter into the stories of the people IJM works with. We listened and heard as speaker after speaker presented what they are doing in different parts of the world with specificity and authenticity. We spent time praying to the God of many names: Elohim, El-Shaddai, Yahweh, Jehovah and Adonai. Each individual name described an attribute of our God. I have never spent time reading and learning about each name of God. That is something that has slowly been incorporated into my life this month. I also valued how intentional IJM functions as a whole from company prayer times every day, to how strategic each plenary session was planned and balanced with worship and prayer, to the belief of raising up communities in their own country to fight injustice, and continually and faithfully relying on Jesus. One of the most beautiful sights and memories that I treasure was experiencing Spirit-filled worship with the other fellows. There were several times I would look at all of us and see each encountering our God in a special and unique way. I walked away from this weekend loving everything that happened. I was informed about modern day slavery, touched by the spirit, and inspired to strive for change in my community that God has called me to.

In the middle of the month, two of my awesome Arizona friends came out to Raleigh to visit me. It was such a sweet time of catching up, but also picking up where we last left off. We spent the time exploring Raleigh while taking many pictures along the way, driving to Charlotte for a fantastic Judah and the Lion concert, and eating some goooooooooood food! Throughout our many explorations, I was so blessed by these friends and the time they gave to me singing, dancing, and living life.

We ended the last weekend of the month with a Silent Retreat at St. Francis of Assisi Retreat Center led by one of our teachers, Ray Siegler. Over the course of 24 hours, we spent time in silence seeking to purposefully spend time with Jesus. We sought to allow God the time and space to speak to us as we quieted our minds, lives, and hearts. I did not walk away having this grand revelation from God, but I did walk away feeling closer to Him. Ray consistently reminded us during these times, it is not about doing or a checklist, but an opportunity to reconnect and focus on our relationship with Jesus.

Exhale. Rest. Inhale. The theme of our Silent Retreat, but this ended up how the busy month looked like. I would feel tired and busy. Sit to be with myself and Jesus. Then feel rejuvenated and peaceful in Jesus. There were so much good things going on like a professionalism seminar, realizing my best friend was sitting next to me, meeting with a financial planner, multi-ethnicity talks, hanging with the fellows, and more. It is easy to get wrapped up in the busy, and forget that God is in the midst of all of it. He is constantly renewing each one of us! I walked away from this month seeing how busy my month was but realizing that I was surrounded by God’s presence way more.

Richie Rojas

"I love you, but I disagree"

You can see the depth and security of friendships in the space and ability you give people to hold different opinions. To hear each other and talk about an issue, and give the other person the freedom to say “I love you, but I disagree.” I was drawn to this community by this very fact. I remember during my interview, Sam Crutchfield, the husband of our director said, “Round table is a unique time. It’s good to sit across from a fellow believer in your community and say ‘I disagree with you.’”

I have found that this is incredibly beautiful and honoring to the people around me. I can love my fellow Christian and disagree with her, because the truth is, what is “Christian” is not always incredibly clear in many topics. Our round table discussions have ranged from politics to generational questions, to how we can best love nonbelievers. I have found that at least once in every Thursday night, someone says some variation of “I disagree”, and it’s a beautiful thing. There is space to think, to wrestle with ideas, to disagree with your friends, who, at the end of the night will still be your friends.  

This year, I have been given the space and freedom to think through and wrestle with thoughts, ideas, and God on my own.  This year is not about conforming to one ‘group-think’ attitude, or about listening to a person who will tell us the one and only “right way.” Sure, there is Godly instruction, sound Biblical teaching, and a commitment to the authority of Scripture. However,  there is space for disagreement, space for questioning, and ultimately, space for growth. And that is a beautiful thing. 

-gebbie

I Responded to THE Queen B

Hey everybody!

Hope that you jam-packed a normal month into these short 28 days. February was QUITE a month for myself. “Why did you emphasize ‘quite’ so much Zach?” Because I have some big news for all: in response to the Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles, I liked it so I put a ring on it. In normal words, I have a fiancé! It has been such an awesome couple of weeks and Hannah and I have been celebrated and cared for so much. With all this excitement, I would be foolish to not ask for prayer from you guys. Can you all pray for us as we plan our wedding? For the details and conversations that will be had along the way. That when we get stressed about the details we would remember that the day is ultimately about our life together, not just this one day. Ultimately, that during this season of engagement, we would seek Christ first.

Not to us, Lord, not to us,

but to your name be the glory,

because of your love and faithfulness.

Psalm 115:1

Life is busy. I remember back in high school when I thought, “man, life is going to be so free in college”. Ehhhh, wrong. Then, I remember thinking in college, “man, life is going to be much less busy when I graduate and start working”. I know. I can’t even think of a good excuse for believing that one. We are all busy, all the time.

Personally, I think I make myself busy half the time. Alright, maybe more like three-quarters of the time. But I should be busy, right? Because if I’m not busy, then I’m not important. Or if I’m not busy, then I’m a bum. Or if I’m not busy, then I’m unproductive. You might be thinking that these aren’t true but wait. Think about it. Think about your friend or coworker who is always busy. What do you think about them? “They must be important with all of those meetings and friends” is about what I think. Think about how much America values busyness. The sad thing is that somewhere along the way busyness started to equate to worthiness.

How did busyness become something where people look to for their identity? I have my own thoughts on that but I am no John Piper/CS Lewis/Francis Chan so I will spar you my failed theology and logic. However, I think we can all stack hands and agree that gone is the 9-5 business day. Gone are weekends. Gone are the minutes we think we don’t have to have a conversation with someone. We are all just “too busy”. The world and country we live in values busyness and we eat right out of the palm of its hand.

I’ve been thinking about this busyness phenomenon for a little bit and have asked myself how I can attempt to be less busy. Or at least to slow my life down. And I found an answer: silence. If you know me well, you might have laughed at that answer. In a world where from the second I get to work I am bombarded with questions, expected to be on my A-game, and it doesn’t cease until my head hits the pillow, I have figured that I have to be still and silent before the day begins. Without those minutes of silence and tranquility, I might not make it (dramatic but trying to make a point!)

“Am I being unproductive? Should I be doing something else? Is this a waste of time?” and many other thoughts plague my mind for the first few minutes but as I press deeper into silence, I begin to see its fruit: peace, single-mindedness, clarity, ability to think clearly, proper ranking of importance and others.

Oftentimes, I drive into work in silence. Not because there is nothing but commercials on the radio. But because I have come to realize that these moments of “wasted time” are prime-time moments for us to come to God and rest (Psalm 23:2). Do I view them as this all the time? No chance! I’m an idealist, not a saint. However, I would say that we, myself definitely included, too oftentimes rush to the next thing in order to be busy. Take advantage of long drives into and from work. Get up a few minutes earlier in the morning. Go on a walk or run with no music. Press into the silence. It is not as scary as you think. Also, I bet you need it more than you know. 

silence and spiritual formation

I think “mortified” is the word to describe my feelings the first day of “Spiritual Formation” class. Our teacher led us though a mild exercise in which we spent a few moments in silence and then reported whatever word was on our heart or mind. All I could think was, “This is hoaky,” …sorry Mary. Please read on; I promise it gets better. Rather than to voice my thoughts, I took a pass on sharing with the class and instead left thinking, “We (this class and I) are not going to get along.”

My sentiments have changed since then. It’s been a gradual change from hostility to affection but definitely one of great consequence. Back in November we began practicing the spiritual exercise of silence. Just to sit with the Lord in silence with no agenda, no formulated prayer, just a desire to be in his presence. When we were assigned this task, I thought, “Perfect! I’m an introvert and I get to sit in silence and call it homework” …I quickly found out I could not sit 5 minutes in silence without getting restless. I wanted to do my laundry or answer that text message or read a book or whatever. Silence is a learned skill.

At the beginning of the year, in one of my first meetings with my mentor, I laid out my then current issues and asked for advice. Mentors think hard and then give advice, right? Ever so gently, Terri suggested the Lord just might be beckoning me to seek Him and not answers to my never-ending questions. How counter-intuitive and counter-productive. I need to fix. What is being if I never do anything?

God speaks in those still, quiet moments.

In SF the a few weeks ago, I selected 4 pictures (from about 500)—one that drew me, one that represented my desire, one that represented my hope for the future, and one that represented my fear of the future. To my chagrin but not by design, I found I’d selected ¾ photos with a theme—mountains and ocean. These weren’t scenes I’d ever seen nor expect to see in the United States. They were in Europe, maybe even my beloved Spain. So many thoughts elbowed their way from the recesses of my mind to the forefront. I’ve been on a beach like that. I’d like to get lost in the streets of that town. This is my dream. Why can’t I live there?

The desire I’d tried so hard to shove down bubbled to the surface. If only I could live abroad and have the faith community I so desperately need. And isn’t that a good desire? The way I’d experienced God in Spain was intoxicating only after the reality of living there without Christian friends was suffocating. Life and culture in Spain was so much healthier than in the states. God seemed so bigger, closer. The kingdom was far more vast.

I was sentimental, broken, confused. Those scenes felt so out of reach. I felt like a pawn in someone’s game. No agency, blindfolded even. But then I didn’t and don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my own memories. Could I revise my own history and convince myself life in Spain was far better than it actually was?

So what can I do with all this? I thought. Again, enter Terri. Pay attention, she said. Is this a desire for something or a fear of the alternative? she asked. So I went out to Umstead State part and considered this question as I explored the terrain, trying to channel my inner mystic. 15 minutes with Jesus in a blend of agenda-filled prayer and silence. Lord is this a desire for something or a fear of the alternative? This time instead of seeking a hard answer, I held out my question with an open hand. What might you do with this time, Father? No answer, but for maybe the first time in my life, I was completely at peace without an answer. Silence and peace are learned.

This is new territory for me. I’m praying it continues. Life’s easier when I stop trying to fix and stop asking God to give me answers quickly. That only exhausts and frustrates me. He doesn’t work like that anyway. In silence with unclenched fists and open hands, I want to seek the Lord and see what he’ll do from there.

J. Nordstrom

Jesus In My Place

As we loaded up the minivan this weekend to head to the beach, I’m not sure any of us could have imagined what the Lord had planned for the COTA Women’s Retreat. Sure, we may get to stare out at the ocean from our hotel room on a dreary February day. Yes, we would hopefully meet some new women from Apostles. We would probably enjoy our speaker, Kathy. And we had heard there might be a pretty fun dance party one night. 

But the Lord had abundantly more for us. We didn't just stare out at the beach, we walked in the sand on a sunny, 75° February day. We did not just meet new women, we heard real stories, we bonded over shared life experiences, we forged new friendships. Kathy did not just speak good words; she dug deep in scripture and in her own heart and shared the powerful, raw story of redemption—in her life and ours. And oh, we would definitely forego a restful night of sleep to dance all night with a whole bunch of women. 

And our God worked. The Spirit moved. Jesus redeemed. There are stories of healing—from deep down in our toes to deep down in our souls. There are stories of experiencing God through new gifts. There are stories of Jesus showing up, even in the midst of pain. 

My story (in a very abbreviated version) is when Jesus took my place at the table. In a very powerful moment of prayer, I was asked to go back to a moment in my life where I felt pain and rejection. I went back to that moment, and struggled to find Jesus there at first. But, after some conversation and questions, I was able to confess some unforgiveness, admit my deep need for Jesus, and then it happened. I went back to that painful memory, and I looked for Jesus. And there I saw him. He was sitting at the table, in my place. The hurtful words and insults still came, but Jesus took them all. As I sat cowering behind the chair I was previously sitting in, I no longer heard the insults because they went through Jesus first. I watched him take my pain and my hurt. I watched him pick up my burdens. Yes, Jesus took my place. The chains began to loosen, I finally tasted the ice cream, and it was delicious. I felt free.

So, thank you, Apostles women, for choosing to love. When a confused, hurting 23-year-old girl admitted that confusion and hurt, you did not run. You prayed. You asked questions. You spoke truth from the Lord into the deepest places in my soul. You pleaded with Jesus on my behalf. You did not even know my name, but yet you called me sister, you called me daughter, you called me friend. Thank you.

-Carryl Tinsley

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2Legit2Quit

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Ah February. The month with the least amount of days. Even though it was only 2 or 3 days less than the other months, it sure felt like it went a lot quicker than that. People always say, 'time flies when you're having fun'. But I didn't feel like I was having fun. I felt like I had wasted away a whole month, not really getting myself anywhere. I apologize for the tone of this blog - I don't mean to sound so sad, I'm simply telling the truth of how I felt about the past month. Of course, when I look back and carefully analyze each week, I see how I have been making progress in my life's journey and how I have touched the lives of those around me. I think what has really been causing this cloud of unhelpful deceit around my head is my inconsistency with reading God's word. For this entire month, I have been spotty. I have not been consistent with the time or the length of time spent in scripture. I surely always feel less energized and motivated when I have not had my slice of that good pie.

Don't get me wrong. I am not really trying to promote legalism when it comes to reading the bible. I have never been a slave to starting my devotional time every day at the exact same time, or feeling horribly guilty when I don't. However, I do believe in spending that time with God every day, because that time is sacred and I want to be in a relationship with Christ in which I talk to him every day. If I am to love him above all else; if he is to be my closest friend, how can I possibly not be in connection with him every single day? I am not saying that praying and reading the word is to become a chore, or another line item to check off the list. I am saying that it is and should be the single most important thing in our lives that we look forward to each day. And I had an empty-feeling month because I did not choose to make that happen. I think people are often mistaken for being legalistic, when really they are just in love with God and believe that nothing should come above the time they spend with him. Now, we all spend time with God in different ways; in our own ways. But, "as long as we continue to reduce prayer to occasional piety we keep running away from the mystery of God's jealous love"! My closest friends are those whom I share the most with, and those who know me best! I am saying that my February just did not feel right because Jesus was not one of my closest friends this month. It was a one-way street; the traffic was only heading South. 

I had written in my journal the following words: "God, graciously shift my perspective on your word. Give me grace to come and drink."

Drink? What am I drinking? Here I am referring again to his word - that I would follow through on what I know is best for me. I cannot describe it any better than this: "Imagine a man walking through the desert and in desperate need of water. When he finally finds a river, he experiences overwhelming delight. Kneeling down at the river bank, he is not asking himself, "What is the least amount I can drink and still satisfy the thirst I have?" No! He is asking, "How much of this water can I possibly get into me?!" Alas, too often for the past month (and of course many times too in the months preceding February) I have been that man, asking the first and undeniably idiotic question. Thus my prayer for you and me and everyone is this - to be rational and ask that second question when we come across the river of water that is God's word, and to desperately gulp it down as if our lives depend on it.

Well (pun intended), because they do.

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mattyC